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I dont know why I am doing this

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,670
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:29 AM in Depression and Coping
I am not doing this for your pleasure or intrest. I need to vent and maybe writing here is as good as writing a letter or something just to burn it later. This is my first post. I have always been a little sadder than most. I will tell the stories of depression I have felt even though it has no bearing on the physical pain I feel now.

My life was sad early on my story is probly typical of someone my age in many parts. My parents divorced when I was 1 or 2 it was the first saddness I ever felt. I was pick on at schoool at 5-8 first time suicidal was at 6 but I couldnt do it obviously. Growing up it was difficult to live in a split home. I dont know why but through my school years I felt completely rejected had 1 true friend at that time I didnt have a 3rd arm or something holding me back. when I got to high school I still felt like a drop of water in the ocean I found something I enjoyed in swim but it wasnt enough. I moved to my fathers and switched schools in sopyhmore year from there to senior year I fought with my father constatly and started smoking pot due to depression. My mother disowned me due to her losing a piece of jewlery that resurfaced later and my father relocated me to my 30 something yr old sister in nevada after catching me smoke pot. I went back to him after only going to a psychiriatic center due to me drinking with antidepressants since pot wasnt available it was afelony in that state and less people out there smoked it. I was a junior in highschool at this point. From there I smoked pot for over a year until my depression ended since my father wouldnt buy my antidepressants or take me to counselling my drug taking increased once I graduated high school. At this time my mother finally warmed up to me again aparently she found what was lost expiermenting with meth, and lsd while continueing to smoke pot.
I decided to quit and leave all the people around me that did anything illegal to do so I enlisted in navy. Unfortunately they do drug tests in the military and I cam up positive for marijuana I was booted from boot camp after 3 weeks. I was sent home from chicago to california on a bus. I redirected the bus to my mothers city instead of my fathers due to my father was a retired marine.

I returned to mother lost my belief in god and 10 yrs later move away again to out of state depression strikes me again due to someone making a wrong turn. A stupid fender bender not even a roll of my jeep or get launched thru the windshield. Now I hurt all the time and I fantasize of death. I should be greatful I wasnt hurt worse but I have never had a serious problem before. I am going to get help rem and mari thank you for that. I cant however keep this inside and let it rot my soul but how can I let something go and move on when it wont let me go. Traditional counselling is going to be pointless. How can someone truly be happily in pain. I am pissed off and tired of this crap. One year as of March first. One miserable year. I have been depressed over emotional crap that can be fixed by a change of view on a situation, but this isnt emotional it is physical and it has made me emotional I cannot change my outlook on this its a bad deal any way I look at it.

I cannot change the way I feel about this but I will get the best help I can over this a team as remzy calls it. I feel pathetic for venting like this.


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