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jj-from montrealjjj-from montreal Posts: 60
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:29 AM in Chronic Pain
Interesting word in the eyes of a chronic pain sufferer,
Whose hopes evaporated in a flash. In a second, just as much time it took for my doctors to say those dreaded words,
“There is NO more treatments at this time”, (in other words, this is IT!)
Oh yes lets not forget the -GOOD LUCK!

For a very long time Hope did not, could not exist I could not see a future, especially with me in it. My business, my family, my medicated broken body/ and mind forced me through the motion, time past, some how life went on. At this point in my life, Hope was just a four letter word.

As time went on, and life became harder and harder to justify, It might have had some thing to do with the amount of medication I was consuming, and at the end of the day; I still felt like crap.
I was loosing my ability to think straight, my decision making was compromised. You pretty much know how my mental state was. My physical situation was also deteriateing faster then I had time to adapt. Which I might add, I was a pro at.
Then to make things worst; I broke my right leg and was bed ridden for 5 months.
(I was self employed, trying to support a young family at the time)
My life crash and burn around me and there was nothing I could do. My independents was gone, my dignity was gone I felt I was a burden to everybody around me.
I was the one every body depended on, not the other way around.
I felt helpless, frustrated, and extremely angry. I wanted to be left alone, I disassociated my self form reality, and everybody around me, I gave up.

The day my life changed,

That day; I don’t recall anything special that happened. I remember being miserable like usual, not wanting anybody around me. My daughter on the other hand was/is, a very persistent individual, she insisted on talking to me and like usual got her way. As she came through the door, in to the room, were I was calling home, I saw her eyes, they were wide open, a smile from ear to ear. She was clutching a sheet of paper which she was so proud of, and insistent that I look at. It was her grade and most importantly the teachers comment on how well she did on this project. We worked on this project together; she told me that with out my help she would have never figured it out, so she felt that I deserved some of the credit. As we sat and talked I realized how much of an impact I had on her life as well as the rest of the family. Just being there was important, she my rat daughter gave me the kick in the realities I needed.
It was that glee, that smile from ear to ear that put hope back in to my life.
I learned; there is always Hope, sometimes you just got to look harder
JJ from Montreal


  • Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am so glad that you were able to pull yourself up and that your daughter helped you do it. I beleive a lot of us here continue to have hope and remain positive and do our best to not let this beat us down, for the sake of our children.

    If it weren't for my children and their desire to have my undivided attention, I would probably lay in bed all day and all night. Instead, I push myself to keep going. I go to my son's field trips even knowing how horrible I am going to feel later on. It's all worth it when they give you that big smile and look up at you with those beautiful, innocent eyes and say "Mommy I love you". It makes the pain worthwhile.
  • :H How's your day my dear?? I'm doing great! Happy Easter to you and yours!! O:)

    Evelyn :H
    Had PLIF in 2008 and a Laminectomy. One level fusion, L4-L5.
  • Happy Easter to you too. I'm doing as good as can be expected. How are you doing?
  • I don't know what to say except that your post was an amazing inspiration. We can all wish to have such a "muse" in our lives as your daughter has become for you. Each of us has a reason to go on and we all need to look long and hard to find out what that reason is. I keep telling myself that I'm not useful anymore and I need to stop that stinkin thinkin. Thanks for the words.

  • That's great you have new hope and you're here for that very reason. You're there because you're a parent and your child needs you. Just as you are as there's not much you can change for now. One day I hope there's a way you'll be without pain but now at least the meds are keeping you here.I know I'm here for a reason. I've had this pain for 17 months and off work for 14 months. I walked a half a block on Saturday without my cane. I don't know if it was just a good day or I'm healing. There was a snowstorm so I won't be able to walk but I do work out on my bike or glider machine. I can't give up hope now. I go for my 5th epidural on Wednesday and hope that it'll be the one that takes away more pain. I hope you're doing well. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • What an inspirational story. I have goosebumps. I hope your pain gets better and I'm so happy about your wonderful relationship with your daughter. She sounds like a wonderful little lady.

  • i must stop by and say they were truley wonderful words you just posted.
    after talking to you in chat this fine morning i did realise that you mood had lifted tremendously,you were more up beat and generally just having a good old laugh.
    im so glad to see this post jj because it verifies my thoughts and im so happy that you have reached a good road in your life.

    LOVE P
  • Thare is always hope.
    Even when you live alone and have no family.
    Hope makes you get up every morning and face the day, even when you know your day is going to be another pain filled day.
    Hope makes you get dressed and enjoy the small things in life.
    The first Robins in the spring.
    The first green sprout of spring.
    The sound of frogs chirping over the hill at the pond.
    The sound of children laughing.
    These are just a few thing that make me happy and give me hope.
    I wish I could take every ones pain away coz it sure sucks!!

    Hugsssssssss >:D< to everyone
    Patsy W.
  • What a great outlook on life you have. Thank you for your wonderful, inspiring words. You are such a kind, caring person Patsy.
  • So there I was, 6 weeks ago, running 25 miles a week, weight lifting 3 days a week, planning a motorcycle trip to south florida to see friends. Never a painful day in my life. Hell, people depend on me. Then on Saturday, a week before my trip, my left butt cheek started hurting. Pfft. No biggie. I'll stretch it out, run 5 miles, and I'll be great!

    2 weeks later I couldn't even get out of bed. A week after that I was crying, the pain was so bad. Doc ordered an MRI and I ruptured L4/L5 disk. I was soooo mad at myself. How could I be so careless and stupid! I was lifting weights and crushing my back and I didn't even know. So here I am 6 weeks later. I feel much better (I thank God every night!) but my life went from 100mph to 0 in about a week.

    If this site has taught me one thing, if I get a warning flag from my back, I better change my ways because I may not get a second warning.
  • should be full of despare, she had a lo of physical chalanges, yet all she could talk about was her feauture. Just being in her presence gave me hope.
  • That's wonderful news JJ !! I am so happy to hear you say that.
    That should inspire all of us.
    Keep the chin up. I am rooting for ya.
    Here is a hug from an old lady. >:D<
    Patsy W
  • JJ,
    Even hope needs a plan and it has a connotation of expectancy and longevity, new norms are imposed on us and not of our choosing desire of making we have to accept our plight with good grace and we are accepting ourselves. Gone may be the superficial measure of previous success and I know I am a nice person and can look in the mirror and say today I have tried my best in difficult and challenging circumstances. I know myself better every day, who and what I am, it is humbling accepting minimal output for maximum effort.

    Well done JJ here is a lesson for us all doing and surviving, to your daughter you are her life in everything you do and say, and you will see yourself in her. Sharing your time and support the greatest of gifts, the embodiment of putting others first, as you say just another day.

    My own children have lived a unique existence and will have an individual story of how these changes impacted on them, in all things I have tried to make them more important than the pain, with varying success. Teaching and sharing is a more important role than can ever be imagined and will live long in the memory.

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