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Where am I and how did I get here, things were so good before.

Bob in the forestBBob in the forest Posts: 287
edited 12/27/2012 - 5:26 PM in Chronic Pain
Seems like it was just yesterday when everything was going great. Then I had an accident at work. My leg started dragging behind me as I walked. Pain, this pain was something so hard to block with my mind. I've grit my teeth so hard to put up with it, that I've grounded down my teeth flat. The operation #1, at first i started crying as I woke up coming out of surgery saying to the nurses that I don't have that pain. This was promising. Not to learn to walk again and a 90 days in bed while I healed. Found that kissing my wife made me want to urinate. Brushing my teeth did the same. As I healed and learn to walk the pain seem to increase over time. Pain pills! lots of pain pills. Antidepressant's too because my manhood was slowly slipping a way. My wife had her need while I was still in bed healing so she thought it was OK to see other people to fulfill her urges. That sickness and health didn't mean to much to her. When she caught he father cheating on her mother as a child, it was ingrained into her that that was acceptable. Standing for any period of time has been my delema. When the doctor looked into what I was still having pain he said it was forming scare tissue and I needed another operation. Still wondering if it could have been done with a endoscope and not the massive hole carved into my back damaging all those tendons. I had to except what was going on and hoped that I'd get better. Well it didn't but for only a short period of time but it still had the limitations and pain medications. I liked dancing and picked that back up for a few years but then the pain started getting to intense again. Stronger pills and more pills. The last bone doctor said to fix the problem I'd need major back reconstruction surgery which would take two days to complete, going in through the front and back. Then there's all the hard wear they put in your back which would leave me perfectly stiff. For now he said we will just treat you with medication. The antidepressants have been doubled a couple weeks back and feeling better in my spirits. Still those thought do cross my mind where it would be better to end things. I was down to about 1 to 1 1/2 hours of standing until the cortisone shot in my back this week, which really helped out. The Kadian time release morphine seems to help a little bit too. It takes about 2 hours in the morning after waking up to stabbing pains of laying on the heating pad before I can stand to make a cup of coffee. Then it's back to the heating pad for several more hours to get my back and hips warmed up enough for another cup of coffee. Then I'll turn my computer on. I'm limited to a 1/2 hour to a couple hours of sitting before I need to take a break and lay back down on the heating pad. I looked at the last MRI next to the latest one I got last week an things just look worse every time I see them. Lifting things is a real trick and I try to use mechanical advantage. Living on SSI has been very hard and limits the doctors I can see or travel. I'm so lucky to be here in paradise where I don't want to leave. Driving takes it's toll on my back so I'm limited to a ten miles round trip and don't do that very often. Life is so different from being able to hop on the Harley and travel like I once did. The bikes are all gone and that love of my life is gone. Anyone that can keep a marriage going while going through this where things just keep getting worse. Money is a factor for depression too. I used to buy and sell computers and would have a new one every few weeks. Now my computers so old that I can't even run the newer programs. I put up with the older computer and the software I have. Doing work outside like taking care of the place takes so long to do anything. What would take a half day now takes days to weeks. I have to surrender to my predicament and know it's not doing to get any better. I'm not even trying to get involved with anyone because I don't want to put then through what I put my wife through. It's so hard for anyone to understand what you are going to and your pain levels. My big happiness right now is photographing the wildlife here along with the trees and flowers. That's something simple and something I can afford. There's always those thoughts in the back of your mind that you know you can't do anything about. New Computer, hope the car will keep running, want of a better cameras, add things to my telescope. At least seeing and interacting with the wildlife is a joy. Whether it's the deer, the skunks, the raccoons or turkeys some how they recognize that I'm damaged and cut me a lot of slack. Then there's the presents you try to have with others where it doesn't look like your disabled. I finally got the disability plate for the car because my ego stopped me from getting that. Now it's the back brace and knee braces just to walk and try not to limp. Hide at home where no one sees me to see what a mess I'm in. Sure as I read another post, those thoughts cross your mind all the time but the sane part is you keep them as thoughts. Very hard to keep my mellow zen like personality going at times. Crying, I stopped doing that years ago, eyes ran out of tears.

Out At Bob's

Nature pictures taken here which keeps my mind in the plus zone.


  • What beautiful pictures, you have talent and have some sort of special ability to get that close to the animals. Now, I have to admit I'm not a raccoon or skunk fan, but one of my favorite things to do is to go deer watching at a local forest preserve. It somehow is true, the animals sense that we are not threats. Don't know how, don't know why, don't care, I just appreciate it.

    I have had a hard time, and still am, in mourning for the loss of my old life. I teeter-totter between anger, denial, depression, and grief. I strive for accepting the "chronic pain" label because I think only after I accept that will I be able to heal mentally.

    I get tired of the fake smile for the "normals" and the little tricks we do so that they don't notice how much we hurt. I get tired of them noticing I am different. I finally gave in to handicapped tag but NOT plates. If I'm having a good day I want to be able to park in a normal spot and not be singled out. I've got a long way to go in acceptance.

    I'm on anti-depressants and trying to get biofeedback approved by work comp. In my mind, when the pain gets bad, I take myself to my happy place. I think biofeedback would help me do that better.

    Marriage has had some rough spots for me, too. Five surgeries in less than 2 years is way too many. Been to marriage counseling, lucky for me hubby still around but I know he feels the strain of having to do extra. I feel like I need to be careful so he doesn't give up on me. I guess I've got to first figure out how not to give up on myself.

    I don't really have any words of wisdom or magic wishes to grant for you, but some of your words ring so true that I had to respond. Please continue to update your website, you truly have talent. I cannot drive right now so it can give me a visual of the forest preserve I like so much.

  • i had a bit of a cry reading your post {i am often a little weepy when i am up in pain {every night at around 3 am } i can identify with a lot of what you have said regarding your wife and self esteem and other things in your well written post .i do feel for you and other in the same boat i have not yes seen your pictures but i will as photograph is a passion of mine too .i am going to give you my email should you wish to communicate at any time feel free to do so .take care tony.beer1@googlemail.com
  • I am in bed- struggling- reading your email and i am crying for both of us. I do not see any light thru this tunnel. I asked God to take me last night. I guess asking him isn't enuf because I am still here in Earth.My marriage is lousy, and everything I just loved I can no longer do. Just daily living hurts- only in bed am I OK. I live on meds of all kinds and I'm fed up. I am envious of your beautiful pictures- they bring me so much pleasure. Just beautiful, simple pictures make me cry. You are not alone- I am out here in this with you. I wish there was a place where we could all live and give each other love and support in BackWorld-lol.
  • Welcome to Spine-health. I have to admit I sat here crying reading your post and the replys to it. I try not to let my pain, etc. get me down and can keep a happy face on when I need to, but once in a while I think we all need a good cry because it's not fair that we have to hurt so much. I know there are people way worse off, but it's ok to pout now and then I think. I used to be very athletic. Now I'm so far in the other direction!

    I have had three back surgeries and am now waiting for my SCS which hopefully will be May 1st. Later in the summer I am supposed to get a cervical fusion. This all on top of having an unexpected partial colectomy in January for an intestinal blockage and then infection which kept me in the hospital much of the month. They couldn't do it laproscopically so I have a lovely 8 inch scar up my front to match the three up my back (and various others) Enough already!

    I looked at your photos Bob. They are beautiful. You are very talented. It's nice that you have something so peaceful to help you escape your pain now and then. My escape is playing with my 10 month old granddaughter as often as I can. I used to baby sit her once a week, but gave it up when I got sick in January.

    I wish you well and please come back in here often. I have learned that this is a great group of people and it's nice to know we are not alone in our situations. Though it sure would be nice if we could all wake up pain free one of these days! Hang in there!

  • Was a good summer last year and I was actually getting things done. Got a cortisone shot in Sept. Went back to see Dr. Chris and get shots in my knees of knee juice. Three shots, one per week for three weeks. That' when I asked Chris if I could get a shot in my thumb. My left hand had a large bump, a bone spur Chris said and there's a operation for that. Great, i was loosing my grip on hammers and had a hard time opening jars. It was getting late in the year and I figured once the rain started I won't be working outside. I started fixing up the cellar, plaster the concrete walls and paint them white. I stapled old feed bags to the ceiling to keep the insulation from falling down and it looked like an upholstered ceiling. The bags are white so it was nice and bright. I wired the place up and have compact lights all over. Have a radio there and my air tools plus some storage of boxes. So, I felt good going into fall and listened to Chris about the Thumb surgery. It's an out patient surgery so it can't be that bad, I'll still be able to do things in the cellar. Have shelves to put up. So, surgery day. Go in and it's sunny fall day. When I woke up my back was killing me. My upper arm was real sore also. My hand was the size of a softball. Bandaged up, half awake, hand hurts, nurses are giving me shots of morphine and I'm starting to joke with the girl. Morphine is interesting. You still feel the pain but you don't care. So I get home and lay down because they gave me the Michael Jackson knock out juice, propenal, spelled something like that. Dr. J. said, "I'll see you when you wake up and I was out that fast, no counting backwards, just out. So at home I just felt like sleeping. They told me to keep the hand up, this made sleeping rather hard to do. The next day the hand was throbbing, my arm was sore for some reason and my back was really hurting. They had strapped me down, put a tourniquet on my arm to stop the blood. They cut a piece of a tendon from my forearm to make up a triangle shaped object to replace the triangle shaped bone that goes between my thumb and rest of the bones. It helps you get that apposing thumb that humans are famous for.
    Had to step outside and feed the herd and flock. Momma girl is so pregnant so it Pretty Girl. The deer are standing back from the turkeys, the hens are here too. Mr. Friend is turning out to be a great leader of the herd. Everyone is learning so much.
    So sleeping with this club shaped hand where you couldn't do much with except place it out of the way. This made me sleep funny. I had one arm to help me turn over and it was working over time. Was using plastic bags to cover my cast so it wouldn't get wet taking a shower something I have to do every morning plus I have to wash me hair. I just can't go out in public even if it was only the animals here. So something funny happened to my back while trying to sleep funny. My back was hurting because I was strapped down on that table and now I was sleeping funny. It was about two weeks into this recovery and had four more with this cast on. There's these little bones on the spine that help keep it lined up and not falling off the pile of bones, they are called facets. There's nerve running between them and from sleeping funny it cause inflammation, that cause intense pain which kept me from moving except in one direction forward and backwards. No side to side movements at all without shooting pains where you feel like your going to pass out. At first being a man, I thought it would go away in a day or two. Two weeks later the pain was the same, no change at all. I was having a hard time getting out of bed, hard time raising to stand, saw bent at a 90 degree angle and not going any where. I got to the doctor and got steroids, prednisone. It started to help with the inflammation in one day. I think I took two pills a day for a week then the pain was coming back like I hadn't done anything. Made it to the bone doctor to have a look at me hand and told him about my back and that prednisone was working but I ran out of them. He gave me a prescription but these were a bit different. Same amount of days but the first day you took about 6 or 7 pills. The next day it was one less until they were gone. It was in a blister pack so you couldn't mess up. This did help me and the pain almost completely went away. I could stand up again but had this cast on but it was going to come off soon. The girl called me to remind me to come in and I asked if we could take it off today. No, you have to wait till Monday. I was hating that smelly cast, I itched, I could take a shower, I could type on the keyboard with one hand. So I get the cast off and my wrist was so stiff, I wanted to wash my arm right there in the office, the stinking skin was falling off when you rubbed it. So it's sunny after raining for weeks and was going to start up this weekend. I'm sort of driven to do things hurting and all because the accomplishments would make me feel good something I found out that summer. It was like the pain didn't matter because I got something done. Then the weekend came and I'm thinking the weather guys were wrong again but I had been shopping and the cabinets and fridge were full. I just picked out a hundred pack of DVD's and started backing up my the hard drives. I got a lot of the photos off, I had 80 plus gigs of photos and needed space. I also found this site with open source software, it was free and there was a lot of it. I got every operating system that was there along with programs that went with the operating systems. openSUSE 11.1 I found was the easiest and had the most on it because it was a DVD, that's a long download. So I made up install disks for all the operating systems. Made back ups off all the programs, all this cool Linux and Windows programs all free. I made 20+ DVD's of photos and 20+ of programs plus the operating systems. Then the lights browned a bit and flickered then the power was off and would stay off for the next week. It took longer to get the phone and DSL working again. I grabbed a flash light and looked outside, it had been snowing for hours and caused a ponderosa pine to break off 30 feet from the top and fall across the power and phone lines, that was at the north end of the property about 300 yards away. I found this out the next day, Monday December 4th. So there was white everywhere and the trees were dropping over touching the ground and if they couldn't bend they would break. All night I was hearing the sound of trees breaking and snow hitting the ground with a big thump. The house felt like it would shake every time this happened. I noticed the deer were coming here while it was snowing, they needed food other wise they would freeze to death. I usually know everyone but there were some I saw that grew up here as a baby and went out after getting antlers. One deer's antlers was damaged. One of them was bent down almost to his mouth, the side of his face was all bloody. The regulars were all here plus the rest of the herd. They weren't fighting, and hardly moved when I came out. The look on there faces was more fear then hunger. I'd sweep the table off and cover one side with grain and they ate like they haven't eaten in days. That was the only way they were going to stay warm too. The trees were bare and the grass was all covered. There was 24 feet of snow every where and drifts up to 3 feet. My car was covered and looked like a big snow ball. I really got dressed up to go out on Monday. Had my riding gear on that covered my legs and it went up to my chest. put on my gadders over my boot and was wearing my big boot, the Swiss army boot. A boot with in a boot and very insulated I couldn't feel the cold at all. Had my down jacket one and knit cap and gauntlet gloves from my riding days, back when my back was a lot better. I walked along the power lines sort of. I could see the pole and the wires were hanging loose. The top of the transformer was ripped off and one insulators was gone. I was all nice and warm but walking in deep snow that sticks wore me out after the first 50 feet and I had a bit to go. The road was covered with trees dropping over so I was ducking under then and moving as fast as I could. Clumps of snow would release and fall from the trees knocking other branches cascading the works down. It was a total fluke storm. I've never seen anything like this the ten years here. I got up to where the tree broke off and hit the lines, now it was a u-turn and back. I was taking pictures of everything but that's another story. I got back and got the numbers to PG&E and ATT and walked up to the neighbors house because he's got a cell phone. That was out but his home phone worked. The towers had been damaged all over the county. I made my calls. ATT took note and said they would get here when they could. PG&E told me to walk to the gate and open it so the crew could get through, they will be right out. Well they weren't of someone locked the gate after I left. I had to walk almost a 1/2 mile in that snow and my back was really telling me about it. My minds telling me to rest and if I did that I just might fall asleep and freeze. Push on back to the house. Got the camp stove out and cooked dinner and listened to the radio. Not much else to do but sleep and it was only about 8 PM. My new LED flash lights were great. I had one one for a week and the AAA batteries were still working. The next day I here a rumbling sound then guys talking. I couldn't see them because the trees were covering the road. Then two guys in a 4x4 with big tires and chains came blasting through the snow. They were on a scouting party coming to check on my outage. We pulled the tap off my car and that removed just about all the snow. I shoveled a place open to move the car. The guys pushed and I had the engine going and the car moved about 12 feet. Two days later a crew came up with about 10 guys. In about 5 hours they had a new transformer on the pole with to new cross arms. The patch the wire and pulled it together with the help of the truck backing up and a long rope. They had to cut down some trees to pull the wires through but I didn't care I wanted power. This corner where the lines all met up took out a big area of houses east and north of me because the breakers had all blown. So when I went to turn things on some things worked and some didn't. My phone never worked again either did my TV and for my computer, one drive was damaged when the heads hit the platter. The computer wouldn't boot and Ive been working on it ever since. Installing Windows XP I don't know how many times. I'm in the safe mode. But back to the damaged trees. Two apple trees fell over. I cut the top of the trees off and trimmed them up. With ropes and cables I pulled them up. They are tied to three trees and it's standing up real nice. Blossoms are blooming and it looks like it's going to make it. So I started cutting all the left over branches into small pieces and putting them in a wheel barrel. I walked them to the north end where I have a scrap pile of other branches and cuttings. I made three trip then picked up everything and put it in the wheel barrel. The one extension ladder was the heaviest one but I got everything to the house and put away. The next day I had a hard time moving, getting out of bed, walking to the couch, my right hip was killing me so was my knee. I'd try to stand leaning left but then my left leg would start burning. I'd sit down and I could feel the burning slowly moving out of my right leg. So that's what I've been doing, looking at the ceiling and trying not to move anything, not even a finger. Have a cortisone shot lined up. Having shots in my knees going. The doctor looked at my MRI and said it looks like a hundred year old spine, no, older. He also said it's the worst spine he's ever seen. Then he said he's not just saying that but it is the worst spine he ever saw. He asked if I wanted to do surgery and hoped I wouldn't say yes. He told me I was to young to have a back this bad looking. So it's pain pills and not much else until I get a cortisone shot. Working with my wildlife is the only time I feel that the pain leaves me because I'm so concentrated of them giving them something special friendship. To see the deer smile when I come out, my little albino girl raccoon who is just the cutest thing. My skunks come running up to me and lick me on the nose, I'm laying on the floor at the door. Spring is coming if this foul weather would get out of here. Oh, lets not forget the bear that came to visit on Dec. 24th and slept on the porch, that was so special, the look in his eyes as he was looking at me.
    Have a new site.
  • From being depressed over not being able to move, walk, stand, sit, and the list is always expanding. The thought going through my mind, it's terrible, glad you can't hear them. The little things that set this pinched nerve flare up are so minor that I'm really hating life. The why me's are going through my head constantly. After watching some of the crime shows on TV, those twisted ideas go through my mind. Can't get any twisted ideas like the crime shows so they seem to help put ideas in my head. I keep wondering how my father has gone through this same deal and is still living, not so well at 92 but his side of the family has long genes. My grandmother died at 106. Thinking that, I wonder how I'm going to make it that long and what I might do, especially after seeing a crime dramas. How am I going to keep from doing something stupid. I've been dealing with pain for 20 years since the first surgery. Right now it's the pinched nerve I'm dealing with that's causing my right hip to be in so much pain. Made a cup of coffee this morning. I could stand there why it was brewing, I laid back down. Just pouring water into the coffee maker I had to lean on the counter then switched to the step stool. I heard the coffee maker finishing and I didn't want to move, I just wanted to lay there motionless. I forced myself to get the coffee and it was still somewhat hot. Getting back to the couch I'm sitting with my chest resting on my arms resting on my knees. The phone rings, it's the doctors office telling me that prednisone wouldn't help me. I called them last Thursday, glad they could get back to me in a timely manor. Drinking the coffee and wanting to hurry up so I could lay down again. Phone rings again, insurance company wanting me to get a three month supply of drugs mailed to me saying it's cheaper. My co-pays the same but it's cheaper. After taking to the woman and having to walk to get my insurance card in my pants pocket and walk back tell here all the info she tells me I need to talk to someone else to order the drugs. OK, thanks for calling and she repeats thanks for calling. No you called me, I said. OK, back to coffee and now is just warm so I can pour it down. After laying down and listening to a few hours of radio I turned on the computer and returned to the couch. Lets patch up with flector patches. They work pretty good and fast too. Doesn't get rid of the pain like all the meds but makes it more tolerable.

    The rain just stopped been having another winter storm. Need the water by why doesn't it come in winter. I think were in the 123% right now for the year and I have water in my creek again after not for 4 years. I lost a cherry tree a couple weeks ago with the last storm when it snowed. The girls are here, my female deer and their babies. Getting brighter out. Cherry trees still laying across the road.

    I'm wondering how many more times I'm going to wakeup with a pinched nerve again. The last two years have been rather difficult for me. Real hard to be smiling at anything. I've found myself staring out the window at the birds for long periods not moving a finger. Moving seem to set off the pinched nerve. So does standing and walking. Driving in the car isn't very good either. I was a passenger and closed me eyes trying to think my way out of the pain. I live in the mountains so it's already a beautiful place. I try to blank my mind from thinking anything. I have to say, reading other peoples problems does make me feel grateful that I'm still mobile sort of. I wish I could get medical things right now like going shopping but it's like mail order, have to wait for an open day. Going to the doctors tomorrow for the second shot in my knee. I hope this give me another 6 months without knee pain. Then it's dealing with the cortisone shot on the 21st which feel like an eternity away. Better lay down and watch the news and try to be grateful but that's pushing it.

  • Really having problems and it's very painful. Taking morphine 4 times a day and Norco 6 times a day. Pain meds don't really do there job. Seems it's worse in the evening when I'm making dinner because I'm on my feet. Pain Management doctor said I should think about surgery. The orthopedic doctor made a reference to surgery also. I've been spending most of the time these days on my back or side but laying down. I don't like the idea of going through major surgery, not when they are going to go through the front of me and back of me. Worried about the recovery time. Will I be able to tie my shoes after surgery. Living alone it will be hard to do everything. Worry about my animals, they're not pets but wild animals that I made friends with that sort of depend on me. The deer will be fine, the turkeys and raccoons will be fine but I don't know about my little stinkers, my skunks. I raised them from babies and that's all they come to when I call since I did that when they were babies. The raccoons will come and go. They show up once in a while and will also come to "Babies." The one I worry about the most is the albino raccoon female. She's a real cute little girl, smaller then the rest. I think she's pregnant. I have three pregnant deer also.
    I've been sitting with a pillow under one cheek to cause my hips to lean and I'll try sitting up straight. This takes pressure off the pinched nerve. It's not perfect but it's better then nothing.

    I've heard about the Cage type Fusion and going to see if I could get a couple levels done to stabilize me. There are some levels that are flat and undistorted from wear. If I got a level done with the cage it would lift my spine apart and stabilize that section. Then I'd wait until that heals up and see how it is. If I could get a couple levels done, mainly L1-L2 and L2-L3 that would be what I'd start with. The next level would be L3-L4 where there's no space or disk. The recovery time would be a lot faster then carving a big hole in my back. The L3 level is the one that's causing the hip pain. If I could get that taken care of I'd be fine, sort of.
  • I do have to admit you are one of the first posts I have read in a long time that really brings the pain and suffering all into focus. As straker wrote you are very well written.

    I can only share my experience in how I deal with it. While no one is in the same situation we all have to
    deal with loss when it comes to the chronic pain game.

    I have decided mentally now after a year that there is no "fix". I will never be my old self cause even if I recover physically I will never recover mentally. Therefore I look to myself as "re-born", the old js is gone and here is the new one. They are not the same person and this is my new lifestyle and world.

    Next I have found in my journey that we need purpose and for most it is their family. I believe based upon your posts that the critters outside your home are your new family. They depend on you so you must do all you can for them. If surgery is the way you can fulfill that than I think you should think heavily about doing it. Those guys need you.

    My birthday used to be 8/22/1965, now I consider 3/6/2009 my new birthday...that is when my life started over again...
    I am now trying to make the most out of this new life.

  • I've gone through a few things in my life where either I put myself in a life and death situation or where I became deathly ill and pulled through. Stopped my drinking and drugging over 25 years ago. I was real sick then from the abuse. My liver was real beat down, 1% functional when I left the hospital but I was feeling so much better after not drinking or using drugs. Then had the surgeries which had another side, I'd get better and back to normal. My second surgery I went to give my blood for the surgery and they called me back and said I had Hep C. They just came out for a test and now were screening the blood for Hep C but not before the surgeries I had before this. the doctor told me at the time the virus wasn't doing anything, that it might affect me 10 years from now. Ten years later it effected me. At first I was just feeling really tired. The doctor was giving me a vitamin b shot but after about 6 month he said I'm going to run some tests. The Hep C count was off the chart. They could read any higher in quantity. So faced death again. Was working a contract so didn't have medical. When they found out was sick they drop me like a hot potato. My back hurt from time to time and it seems it was getting worse. I had longer periods where it hurt. Sort of came to a point where you say, I'm ready to cross the great river to the happy hunting grounds. I went around saying good by to everyone, giving my things away. Doing the interferon treatment, you almost want to die going through that. Made my way up here and found this place. Remembered it from many years before when I first came through here on my bike. Except this time the housing boom had struck. I found this humble little place on 7.5 acres. Didn't know I was going to meet all these great friends. When I first moved here I though of them as animals but seeing the way they treated each other the caring they showed each other it changed my mind. They aren't pets because I don't own them. They are free to come and go. It's safe here so they hang out. I have a lot of fruit trees that they like. The skunks get what I'm having or cat food. I sure enjoy watching them all, interacting with them. When I'm laying on the floor in front of the door with the skunks or last year the baby raccoons I don't seem to have pain. Do get cramps at time. I don't know, it must be the joy I feel being with them that my mind blocks out the pain. I've always been one to deal with a lot of pain and just walk it off. This is something you don't walk off because you can't walk. I'd like to find a way of putting my mind in this joyful state to block the pain. I'm thinking I could get the cages put in and stabilize a couple levels. That would space the vertebrae apart and keep the little bones from banging together. They sound like Ferrets but they are on the spine. From what I've read here that works and recover time isn't that long. Being flung off a ladder didn't help matters. That's when everything has gone down hill even faster. That happened two years ago and it seem the pain would just come and go depending on what I did. Now I'm to a point I'm getting these pinched nerves. Last November I rolled over in bed and heard some crunching and had a pinched nerve when I woke up. The last two times I don't know what happened. I did cut the weeds down on the road and got tired, when I woke up the next day my hip was hurting again. Knees going too. Why my back and knee are painful at the same time, that puzzles me. I remember the other pinched nerve, I stood up two apple trees grown together that fell over in last December's freak snow storm. I took my time, didn't stress, did it over four days so I wouldn't hurt myself. I cut off a lot of the trees to lighten them up. I used ropes and cables so I wouldn't have to do any work. Cutting up the left over parts, I cut everything into sticks about a foot long. I made three trips to the north end of the property with the wheel barrel, didn't even put much in the wheel barrel. Was totally easy and again I was tired and sweaty, woke up with a pinched nerve. It's that L3 area that's causing it. I need to talk to a doctor about using the endoscope. I just can't stay laying down for the years to come. It's even hard sitting here typing. I was one of those people that sat at the computer typing for 18 hours a day with no problem. Going have to figure out how to put my spine picture here. Have one from the flouroscope. The MRI's are really bad, my doctor goes over them with me. How we could be laughing while he said it was the worst spine he ever saw, that it looks over a hundred years old. Have to lay down on the heating pad before I go to bed.

    You have to see the little buddies. Their eyes tell the whole story.
  • Although we all know the pain is a daily thing, wouldn't it be nice if we could just throw a switch every once in a while to stop it all. A nice walk in the wilderness would be refreshing without the pain. Throw the switch!!! Bit since thats not feasible in life, the only switch to throw is in our mind. I can get alot of things done when i set my mind to it. But the end run is i know i'm going to pay for it when its over. I am still barely making it through my 8 hour work days. But as soon as i get into my truck for the ride home I'M DONE. Off to my recliner until bed time. Funny but Bob, sometimes i enjoy your peaceful forest abode. It may be just in my mind ,but i can sense the serenity and smell nature.
  • Pain is a good obstruction to thinking. Whether I'm Reading or listening to the radio or watching TV, I'll loose segments due to pain. When I'm reading, I'll find myself staring at the page but my mind is some place else. Pain just stops everything. I'll find myself holding my breath, tensing up muscles as I move, the noises I'll make and didn't realize that I've been making but noticed it lately, it most have been loud enough to bother me. I remember a TV show was making a joke out of people getting old and making noises doing different things. Those grunts and groans as your getting up, lifting something, stretching and you don't notice for the most part. Being around the deer I've found that I can walk quiet but stepping on a twig they will stampede away. Now I'm making noises as I move. Still walking quiet mostly but the grunts and groans scare the animals. To see their eye open and look at me puzzled.

    My computer is setup to turn the display off after ten minutes. I walked to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and sugar and milk and come back, the display was off. It's not like I have a big house, it would fit into one big room of many of the new homes. The house was built in two parts. The first part was around 1900 and was a place to store farm tool and warm up by the wood burning stove, a one room place. Then after World War II, they added two bedrooms and a bathroom, divided the main room into the kitchen and living room. The wood for the house was milled up the hill from here and all the 2 by 4's aren't finished. All the wood is roughed out before the final milling. This place is good for one person to live in any more you would be bumping into each other.

    The pain management doctor said I'm never going to get rid of all the pain but I could get comfortable. Still working on the comfortable. Laying down is about the only time I can get close to that with the help of a half dozen pillows.

    I see the bone doctor on Wednesday. Going to make a list of things I need to talk to him about. If I don't I'll only remember what he asks me. Walking from my car to the office will cause me to drop several of the matters I'd want to speak to him about.

    I've been told I look like a mean person or that I'm angry even though I might be totally happy and feeling great. The other day I got my spine to line up and felt like I was standing inches taller but looking in the mirror I was still hunched over.

    I've got the new computer about a month ago and been loading my software. I've set up the XP computer and networked them together. Now I have to find a place for the Linux computer. I piled everything on the dinning room table and need to find a flat place for everything. Funny how flat spaces end up holding things. It's also interesting how long it takes to do things these days, something that would take an hour now takes days. I really have a hard time walking. The biggest problem is caring things around unless it's small and light.

    Leaning back in my chair and closing my eye and taking a deep breath of the fresh mountain air blowing through the house. It takes me to the places that I've been camping in my younger happier days with the same smells and freshness.

    Lets follow the safety features the new computer pointed out to do like rest, stand, more around, lay down and view the ceiling from the couch.

  • Thanks I rechecked your links to your photos they're great! I loved moving here from downtown to a half hour drive away to this house and we see raccoons and a wild rabbit and a fox even. We also have cardinals and twice a year I've seen blue jays stop by. I also saw a woodpecker recently. Old Woody on our tree.

    Sorry you're having more nerve pain. I hope you can see your Pain Management Dr soon about that. I wish you the best if you have surgery. Your pets can be provided with food in big bowls or something if you put the bac on a table or something to feed them. Your health is important to be able to look after them later. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Hey Bob - sorry to hear you're suffering. Pain is no fun, that's for sure. I hope the pain management doc can help you out. I also hope they can make some decent hardware to get you put right again. I was supposed to have one surgery, but ended up with two -- four days apart. I regretted the surgery for a long time because I had some major nerve flare-ups and increases in pain, but now, a year and a half later, I feel really great. I have my life back.

    Nature is such a calming and curing force. Are those mule deer? You've really got quite the menagerie there. Watch out for the bear and cougar, but enjoy your other critters.

    All the best,
    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • Bob I hope you aren't offended by someone like me. I'm in retail and cashier. My physical theripist wrote a letter to my HR so I have a stool at my convience. I can't do without it.
    I'm a people person and when a customer complains of pain I'm nosey ask in a caring concern way cuz I am. They always talked to me about their pain and their situation. 9 times out of 10 we end up talking like good ole friends. We never know how much or how many people are in similar conditions and have nobody that can really understand us. They always come hunt me down to come through my line and update each other. I hope I can continue to be there for them and they for me as well.
  • I don't know if you had people come up to you standing upright, who are going out dancing tonight and still able to run and jog. I will be talking to someone and they over hear me talking and but in, saying they know what it is to have back pain and will say I had a back pain once. I don't know how many of those I've talked to. They never had to go through surgery or have their whole world turned upside down. You lucky that you can still work, I really like working in engineering. I love to be creative. I've worked at some really great places over the years. Today I was sitting down writing a letter and was able to site for 35 minutes before I had to lay down. Standing is like that also and many of my plans like going to several stores always get changed at the last minute when I can't stand no more. Do you get people telling you they have so much pain and never had any surgeries but really can complain? Being in public is nice to meet all these people, you get to take a part of them with you when you talk with them. It's great to round off your personality by all those encounters. I really miss being around people some times. I was hanging out with some interesting people. It was nice to go to events and thousands of people would hug you and know your name and you would know theirs. I really miss dancing, that was so fun. Miss the Hollywood nights. I'm glad I got sober and have been sober for 25 years now. I've done so much then get the rug pulled out from under me a couple times. Going to the doctor on Wednesday to talk about surgery. So much needs to be done here and I hate the recovery time. That's one reason I've been putting it off for so long. I was just going though some pictures of last year. The picture of the big animals and getting snowed in. I'm putting them on Flickr. http://www.flickr.com/photos/outatbobs/
    Wish I could setup a site with a big slide show where I'd have more picture. Flickr only lets you have 200 current ones they show. I'm not sure if they archive the rest where you still can see them. Well, it's about that time again to turn everything off. Got to play with my skunks to night. Sat with Mr. Friend for a while at the picnic table talking to him. Walking there was challenging. When I first moved here I could still walk up the hills and around the property. I can't even walk to the mail box, have to take the car. Sorry, I'm whinning again.

  • Whine all you want. Its a great stress reliever. You have beautiful surroundings that I would love to have. I'm in the Arizon Desert.
    My last ESI I had last week did nothing. Two weeks before he said if it didn't work then we need to talk surgery. So I don't know what to do.I do know I can't take the pain much longer. Neither can my husband. He's been exceptionally patient with me. He's very active and I feel guilty.

  • Hope the spine x-ray shows up, haven't done that before here. Well it's going to either work or put some strange looking text. It's an x-ray of my last cortisone shot. The needles stuck in my back so he could see if it was in the right place before injecting the magic juice.

    Today was one of those bad days where noting helped. Lifting my body up taking the weight off the spine only made crunching noises, that can't be good. Last year I rolled over in bed with a cast on my arm so I was watching out for it and heard crunching sounds, the next day I woke up with the pinched nerve. It was helping for a few minutes, I'd have less pain. Maybe long enough to make coffee, fire up the computer. Today it hasn't worked. I've been stretching just about everywhere I can find to stretch and getting, "no can do." Started out crunching real good in the morning like someone cracking there knuckles. Most of the time it doesn't do that but I can just feel the weight of my body hanging. Leaning to the left helps when I'm sitting down but that's not helping like it did. Must have been flopping like a fish last night because everything was all over. Pillows on the floor, blanket turned all over the place. I usually sleep like a rock and don't move. I don't know what I did different. I spent most of the morning and afternoon laying down listening to the radio. Have two ways I'll lay that aren't too painful. Didn't take the morphine until 9 AM, been trying to putting it off till noon. At 10 I turned the computer on and sat here until I had to enter the password. Was getting real jumpy, squirming around. Have my chair fixed up, it's the bondage chair. I have webbing going around the top with a clasp in the front when it gets to hard to hold the body up, I clip myself in. So, sat here for a short time and laid down. My right leg was doing it's thing and I got up to take a Norco. At 1PM I took a morphine and Norco. At 3 PM I took a Norco and morphine and went out to lunch with my landlord. Took the cane too. Too much walking and when the meal came I had a Norco. Driving home we must have hit every hole on the road. I was lifting my body up with one hand and holding on to the grip above the window. About 5:30 PM took another Norco. I still am having such a hard time walking, have those baby steps, all hunched over like the man I never said I'd be. The one as a kid I made fun of with my buddies. Lucky I can take a break typing this because if it was timed I'd be out of luck. It would look like a bunch of Twitter posts. Another nonproductive days. That's so depressing, that I can't get anything done. I was thinking I could get a tarp and sit on it and maybe pull weeds. Standing up I'm in the right position to pull weeds, don't have to bend far.

    See the doctor tomorrow. Having thoughts, should I do it now or can I put it off. Can I get one level down and stabilized and let that heal, will that be strong enough without the hardware. What the minimum that he could do for now. What would be the shortest recovery time.

    At least I got to sit here longer then this morning. Yesterday I lasted 35 minutes just after noon sitting here typing a letter. One thing good about morphine, the pain might still be there but you don't care as much, if at all. Rest time.
  • It made a link of your entire post, but it takes you to the picture! That looks very painful Bob. I hope you can get some help.

    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • You're photo's are amazing! That would be awesome to live somewhere like that and be able to take nature in that way. The animals are not scared of you one bit. It is like they know you will not hurt them. You do have a wonderful gift. :)

    Hang in there. It is a rough road for anyone with spine problems and chronic pain.

    My neighbor just herniated a disc, pinched nerves, etc., in his lower back and it has brought him to his knees with pain, literally. He keeps telling me he does not know how I have done it these last few years, mine is all cervical though. I tell him I have no choice. I am too young to let it all go (and stubborn) :) And my kids and hubby need me.

    And the depression can get to you but you have to try and push through that, some how. It all takes time and to have people to talk to here has been a life saver for me, truly.

    Take care.
  • Either you have long arms or that's your baby, Mel

    I'm feeling extra depressed today after going to the doctor. He said there isn't anything more I can do. That I need major reconstructive surgery or nothing. No half way like I was thinking by just doing a couple levels first and let that heal. It's going to take two days to complete the operation going through my front and back. Lots of hardware. Recommended I see another doctor for his opinion. Recovery would be a year. Just don't know if I'm ready for that, have to think about it. What will I have to setup to get through this. Can I get help with things. Didn't ask how long I'm going to be in bed. With my first two I was in bed for 90 days. He said you could get stronger meds. That's going to be a must for right now. Going to have to call the Pain Management doctor. Had a wet eye session earlier when I got home. I guess that's somewhat normal even for a man. This is a big move so I'm going to read all I can about this surgery. My first two surgeries I went in blind, I think at the time I didn't want to know. Have to think about getting my knee replaced too. Think I might have to have that one done first.Think I'm going to sit and stair for right now because I'm really in shock.

    Smiles? Sort of,
  • Sorry you're feeling so rough after seeing the Surgeon and you need to have surgery soon. ((Gentle hugs.)) Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • How are things going for you? Did you decide to get another opinion? I'm hoping you've found something to lift your spirits.

    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • I am sure that many man tears have been shed by people on this forum. I'm a women and I think I've cried more in the past few month's than blocks of years prior. I just feel so overwhelmed and hurt so bad sometimes there is nothing else to do but cry.

    Let us know how your second opinion goes. Maybe you'll be able to think a little clearer after you hear what he/she has to say.

    Hope your doing ok...
  • Went to the bone doctor, EDITED last week who left me hanging, saying there's nothing else he can do for me. This was a doctor I considered my friend and were on a first name basis. I've brought him fruit trees that I've grown from seed here. I'd see him outside of the office like at Home Depot. I'd be telling him how to grow things so the animals wouldn't eat them. Now I can't even after several call find out why he's dropping me and can't even make an appointment to see him to talk to him and find out if this is because of the 40% cuts from Medicare. He had fliers out saying he was going to drop everyone if they didn't stop the cuts. This is a doctor I've been seeing for almost ten years and he won't even tell me why he can't see me anymore just that he can't do anything for me anymore.

    I did get a course of Methyl Prednisolone, some thing like Prednisone which cleared up the pinched nerve problem almost over night. I had called Dr. EDITED's office a week earlier to see about getting prednisone because this has worked twice before when I had a pinched nerve. Having a pinched nerve is very painful and there's nothing you can do, doesn't matter how much pain pills you take they don't work. You can't do anything. Walking is almost imposable, grabbing at things to hold as your walking around the house. Having to lift your leg to get it over the edge of the tub or into the car to go off to the doctors. I don't really go anywhere any more. I don't mind being here because it's such a beautiful place even thought the weeds are three feet tall now after so much rain.

    When I get into my chair to work at the computer the only thing that moves is my fingers because it's to painful to do anything else. I don't look left or right because it moves my body over my hips where my spine connects. My spine bends even a little sending me gasping for air or crying out in pain. You feel like your going to pass-out because of the pain.

    I've never taken so many pain pills before to be able to just walk, get in the car and go some where. I've had to cut shopping at the store to where the pain gets so great and I hanging on the cart make it to the checkout. The women there all know me and help me which is nice about a small town.

    This last two pinched nerves came out at L3 so I was told. It's so hard to remember that long ago due to the amount of pain I've gone through, even though it was just over the past three months. Now that the prednisone stopped the pain from the nerve at L3 I can feel the sciatic nerve pain in my left legs which was always there just that the other pain was so great I couldn't feel it. It's not bad but it's not good. My lower leg and foot are in a bit of pain and it grips me at every minor movement, they stimulates the nerve pain.

    I've taken two courses of prednisone and got a cortisone shot to help the pinched nerve at L3. The Dr. EDITED had a hard time getting the needle through the area he wanted and had to move a level lower. I was good for almost a month when I started having pain and hunching over. I'd lean back and try to get my spine lined back up, thinking I'm standing-up straight I looked in the mirror to see me still hunched over but not as bad as I was. The only thing I can think I did was to use the weed whacker on the road to cut down the weeds. The next day the pain started as I got out of bed. I saw the pain management doctor about this time and he saw me hunched over walking so slow taking tiny steps because I couldn't lift my feet. He prescribed more morphine and a few more Norco to help me get through the day. Looking back I don't thing the pain from L3 was cleared up after the cortisone shot just that it felt so much better. Having such a drop in pain your feeling it's a miracle. I know I've drop drinking coffee as much as I used to because it was so painful to walk to the kitchen maybe 20 feet away. I've noticed that walking from where I'm sitting here at the computer to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and back my screen saver had gone through it's 10 minutes and the monitor had turned off. I'm a lot better this week after taking prednisone of 5 days. The blister pack has the days laid out and you take 6 small pills the first day which you wonder how could that do anything but it does. The next day I was feeling so much better taking the next 5 pills was a pleasure to take seeing what took place over night. I'm still finding myself grabbing the arm rests of the chair and lifting my body. I was doing that on the kitchen counter also and letting my body hang loose. For a few minutes it takes the weight off everything. I've tried it before taking any pain pills and it was so painful I couldn't do it. I had to wait until the pain pills started to work before I could try lifting myself. I've just walked to the kitchen and ground some coffee and got the coffee maker started without holding on to anything. :-) Doesn't sound like much but for me right now it's amazing. I'm still shaking a bit but that seems more internal but I do notice my fingers shaking a little.

    I need to have major surgery on my back. The surgery was described to me as a two day operation. The first day they would go in through the front taking parts out to get to the spine. They would take all the broken disc material and start putting in hardware. When that's done they put the parts all back in and sew me up on the front. The next day they would go in through the back and put in more hardware. This all would straighten my spine out to a normal curve and space out the vertebrae. This is the simple part of the repair because it's now going to be a year of recovery. What that takes and how I'll be left I don't know but that's what really scares me because of the harsh place I live. I just don't know if I'll be able to do any walking to make it to the bathroom or to get something to eat. I've fixed the lights so they all work from a remote but there's so much more that I might have to fix. Last weekend feeling somewhat good I needed to get the weeds cut down so I could walk to my car from the house. The weeds go from the walkway down a mild slope to the road. I put my normal back brace on and added a weight lifter belt at the top of the brace and a elastic corset around the bottom to keep my hips from moving or I should say my spine from moving over my hips. Little did I know how it was going to compress my intestines and how it would compress anything inside them. The next day I started sweating and ran to the bathroom. I really had to go and because of some of the nerve damage from the first two surgeries I'm sort of numb in some areas. I can't tell what's going on. I have to press down so hard to urinate, never thought that would be stimulating and give me an erection but it does me. Then brushing my teeth makes me feel like urinating, so does kissing but I don't have to worry about that anymore since I'm divorced. An hour later after passing a pound cake which I'm sure was stuck because of the size, I get up and have to change in to dry cloths because of the sweating. I have been taking vegetable stool softeners but ran out. Thoughts of having a hemorrhage because veins were sticking out because of my struggle during this hour. Thought of Elvis, did he die this way pounding out out and blow a gasket. I really thought I wasn't going to make it through this. I'm watching myself now to make sure I go every day or every other day. It's so easy to let that go because you don't want to get up or move from where you are.

    I'm still rather concerned about recovering from surgery and it's going into the hottest part of the year. This how is old and late afternoon it's real hot inside and needs to be opened up. Then if the fall the temperature range is so dramatic going from highs of 80's to 30's at night. Going toward winter which every day is a surprise. Will it rain or snow. Will the power and phone go out again like last year. I was somewhat lucky last year being between pinched nerves and able to make it to a phone and call the power and phone companies and tell them wear the lines were down the first day after it snowed. That was the scariest first 24 hours. I'm not so scared of the wildlife but having a 200 foot tall tree fall and crush the house, that's rather common here. When the power company was out the night before they came down the lines from the north but stopped before they got here where the lines were down. Walking to the gate to let the power company trucks in was so killer. Deep wet snow that stuck to everything. Trees drooping over and breaking not knowing if your walking under them and one would break off, it's remind me of being in a old gold mine and not touching the walls where the mine would cave in. I should be out cutting up the broken trees laying around before winter but that's out. I still hear people cutting trees up every weekend. Want firewood, it's going cheap since there's so much. So, recovering has me scared about what I have to deal with outside besides having to deal with my body being out of action for a year. They need to bolt me together from my sacrum S1 to the first vertebrae above the lumbar section. So when I stand from then on I wouldn't be able to bend. I tried posting a picture of my spine last time I had a cortisone shot but it highlighted every thing I wrote and became a link. I have my last MRI from 2008 and would like to post some of those photos but going to have to work at that. Well, the days almost over, it's 4 PM and it took me from this morning to get here to type. I'm afraid of moving and doing anything where I'd cause a pinched nerve again because it takes so long to get into see a doctor. Why Dr. EDITED doesn't like to prescribe prednisone when he knows it's going to solve the pain problem, it's being used as a anti-inflammatory. So many times the thought of running to the hospital has run through my mind but what kept me from going is the pain to get there.

    So, I',m lost, paralyzed with fear.


    Standards agreement and posting rules.
    Naming specific institution or doctor names is not permitted in the Spine-Health.com forums.
    Edited by Authority Member Cath111. 6/11/2010

  • I know how you feel. In August of 2008, I was cut off from my doctor. Nothing to do with insurance (not directly anyway) but just that they have a policy of not operating on anyone who needs more than two levels worked on. I had three blown discs and they said there was nothing they could do for me. I called every neuro and orthopedic surgeon in my area, and none of them would see me. I was a mess -- emotionally and physically. Fortunately, there is a teaching hospital a few hours from me and I eventually found a surgeon there who could help me. The drive there was excruciating -- I had to stop every half hour or so to get out and walk and stretch because I was in so much pain from driving. The first day I had an appointment with him, I met a woman in the hallway who was walking with a cane. She told me when she first came there, she'd been in a wheelchair for about a year and was in immense pain. She thought the world of my surgeon, so I decided to put my faith in him. I was supposed to have just one surgery, but I ended up with two -- the first from the back, the second (four days later because I had lost too much blood during the first) from the front to put in the spacers where my discs used to be.

    Yes, it will be at least a year of recovery for you. However, you seem like a strong person. I'm kind of a tough old broad, but sometimes I can be a wimp. I live alone and I managed to do just fine by myself. I made myself some meals and put them in the freezer before I went to the hospital. I had lots of canned soup in case I couldn't cook anything. I lived most of my life on the couch, because it was easier to get up and down from there, and I was close to the bathroom and the kitchen. It's a rough road, but I think it may be your only chance at feeling better. If you do nothing, you won't be improving your situation.

    Just make sure you find a really good, trustworthy surgeon with a good reputation. We're not really allowed to discuss doctors on this site, so you'll need to do some research on your own.

    You can do it. Don't let life pass you by with all this pain.

    3 level spinal fusion, L3/4, L4/5, L5/S1, November 2008. Stiff, but I can walk.
  • Last week before I took the prednisone I was really hurting, hardly able to walk, sit, stand, putting weight on my spine. Dr. EDITED had just left me hanging something he's never done before. Chris seemed like he was meeting a person that he hated for year but we have always talked and joked around, so I didn't understand Dr. EDITED's actions. I can't believe how fast the prednisone had worked, it took about 5 days, the full course of taking the pills when I was feeling good, I didn't even feel like I needed pain pills I felt that good. I still was a prisoner in my own mind though. I didn't want to do anything fearing I'd hurt myself and the pain would return. I couldn't think, my mind was locked up in fear. How am I going to handle a year of recovery. What will I be able to do, could I stand, could I eat and how could I eat, how will I get things outside of the house. Who will help me, I don't know anyone here, not really, except my forest friends and although they would like to help they couldn't, not like Buddy did when I was going through "Hep C" treatment. I've been laying around sleeping, even forcing myself to sleep because I didn't want to face the day. I've had the window shades pulled close keeping the inside a nice evening shade of dark. The last couple days I've forced myself to start doing little things. When your mind is locked up with massive depression, that's the only thing I could think it was. That's why I wanted to do anything I could where I didn't have to move much but get something accomplished. I've been on my hands and knees rolling up and bagging cable, picking up little things that are out of place, washing dishes and did laundry the last three days, just three loads and the hamper wasn't even full. I had to break the depression cycle. I've been here before and the only way I know how to break this is facing my fears head on. I made phone calls and got appointments next week with two doctors, the pain management doctor and my GP. I don't know how long it took me to pick up the phone but it seemed like days. I've gotten on the computer and looked up a couple hospitals that do back surgery that I've heard of before and also looked at ones I haven't heard of. I'm going to have to keep it in the area as best I can and it looks like it might be 50 plus miles away, something hard for me to do since ten miles is about my limit. Today I took a slow walk around the house, something I haven't done is so long. I sat outside with a few of my deer friends and big birds, the little birds came out too, they feel safe here even if I'm outside. There's a couple families of blue jays that will cry out seeing me knowing that when they do there's seeds on the picnic table or some places else I put seeds for them. There's one jay with a hurt wing that has been coming around for a couple years who come flying in and hopping around. Sitting there I felt so good outside, my mind was a blank, I need to let go of thought so I can think again. I can't rent space in my mind thinking the worst even if it will be but that's in the future and not now and I can't do anything about that yet. I'm down to a minimal amount of pain right now and have been only taking a pill in the morning and one in the evening, I think that's enough to keep me from going through with drawls. My hips hurt while I walk and my steps are small. I took pictures on my walk around the house which mad me feel good. When I'm taking pictures of the small flowers and plants I question why they are here, why do they grow like this, are other plants needed to be in the same area to help these plants grow. I've noticed that many plants seem to grow together and I've been studying them since I've moved here. From working with the apple trees and other fruit trees to little tiny plants on the ground where you need to get on your knees to see. I've been collecting seeds from everywhere around the county and bringing them here to see if I can get them to grow. While I'm doing this it seems my mind is so focused on them I'm not thinking how bad off I am, whether I need surgery, and even my pain level seems to go down. I was one the porch with five of my skunks and one albino raccoon and my pain level was down to nothing. My little friends are walking around me and coming up to me, each one in it's different way but I'm sure it's their way of greeting me. I think part of my fears was loosing my forest friends something I've worked so hard to get them to trust me. I probably should have been doing that with humans but there's a different kind of trust I've seen with the creatures, that's something I haven't been able to describe in a few word or say it's this way. I've been a good "Human" photographer and could read a persons face so well and tell them what they were thinking of and what was causing them problems. I could see it in their eyes, the way they smiled and now I'm seeing the wildlife the same way, I see it when they smile and can tell when they are happy. I can't wait to see Momma Deer's babies when they get older. They will be smiling and so full of life. Everything around them is new and worth exploring. Me, I'm old but still try to see life as new like through the babies eyes. You see the details you have missed the years before. I like living here and I don't want to leave and hope that surgery won't make me have to leave because it is a harsh environment here. For now I'm going to live for today and not project the future because it isn't here and I can only change what is now.


    Standards agreement and posting rules.
    Naming specific institution or doctor names is not permitted in the Spine-Health.com forums.
    Edited by Authority Member Cath111. 6/11/2010

  • I've just check with the list here ant the top of the list was, "Sutter Neuroscience Medical Group: Spine Center." It's not all that far from me about 50 miles one way but after reading about the group it looks like the right place to go. I've made a easy problem hard with worry, projecting the future, fear, depression, everything my mind wanted to wander off to present the fear in me. I don't like driving because it's hard on me but seeing the pictures of the doctors faces gave me encuragement. You need to trust the doctors that are going to work on you, that trust is that extra bit of help you need to make things work.

  • I thought I was doing pretty good since I took the prednisone last week. I've been feeling OK for the most part for around a week. Whether it was doing laundry which I had to force myself to get up to do or my simple walk around the house yesterday, I have been treating my body, spine, body parts, what ever you want to call it with kid gloves. Well, that sounds nice, what does it mean, "Kid Gloves?" I've heard that so many times over the years and I think I'm using it properly in the sentence. Wonder where you would look up slang quotes?

    So the pain in my hip has started again. I was sweeping the porch when it started a few minutes ago. I don't know if I can lay down on the heating pad? Maybe ice it down? I have these gel packs from shipping that I keep frozen and ready to use. It's also a large mass of solid cold so the temperature of the freezer stays more constant. Just like keeping a couple gallons of water in the regular part of the fridge helps keep that area a constant temperature and keeps the compressor from coming on every time you open the door.

    I was feeling so good last night, I was cleaning up the kitchen, washing dishes, pots and pans, things I've been putting off during my last episode. I even baked a cake, German Chocolate Cake which still needs to be frosted, something I was going to do today. Well, that might be out, I can feel that drain on my head where it feels like I could drop because of the building pain. That muscle in my right side of my cheek and the hip joint are hurting. The muscle is tight like a knot, it did that last night too. I rubbed it and it loosened up and didn't feel like it was cramping. I'm also feeling pain at the fold of where my leg bends on the front to my body, I guess it would be called the groin area. I feel like it's a heat rush but I'm not sweating. My upper leg is really burning. I have two pack of ice on my back right now, might have to pack my whole hip area.

    I just can't believe it how I went from feeling so good yesterday, I was actually very cheerful coming from the depression last week where I was so lost. I had hope yesterday. It was just to good to be true. I wanted to beat the depression that was coming on before I couldn't get out of that dark hole I was falling into.

    I don't think it was my walk yesterday because I was walking so slow and just taking photos of flowers and plants. I took over 600 pictures, I saw the counter but it was just in passing. I was so careful not to stress myself. The other day when I started forcing myself to do things, to be active even if it was slow, I had to do something to feel I accomplished something. I was sitting at the computer last night doing some writing and editing photos, checked my "facebook" account since I was getting what turns out to be spam because they sent it to the wrong email address from what I had on my account. Why I have those type of services that I don't use and don't know anyone because I'm not going to go through the list of people begging them to be my friend. I know I have three network or social group accounts but I don't remember what name I used, what email I used or any of the passwords. I should close them because I was going crazy setting that thing up last night. There are page after page of security questions, who can see me, my photos, my profile, my friends. I guess that six degrees of separation just got closer. So, sitting last night here listening to the TV, taking a glance at it as I'm going to the kitchen for something to drink.

    Speaking of drinking, I'm real glade that I'm sober not that I could afford a expensive drinking habit right now but that wouldn't do my mind any good. I could see how you could really slip into a deep depression by drinking, the pain and all the meds your on. I could see how a person thinking dark thoughts might take action if they were drinking. It's hard enough doing this sober, don't need another problem hanging on my back.

    Well, I can feel the meds I took a bit ago when I came limping in. It's not taking care of the pain totally. I'm still real tense trying to hold myself up and in place here.

    Miss Big-Bird came on the porch getting spilled grain that's on the porch. Hens tend to look sad to me. The male birds have a lot of emotions that they display. I'm always amazed when they come walking up behind me and I'm doing something like gardening. They will stand there watching me work as long as I don't turn around and look at them. If I do turn around I'll keep looking down, that's fine with them and they don't get scared.

    Between the packs of ice and my meds I'm feeling less pain. I don't know if it will go away or will I send the evening in the hospital ER. I've thought about going to the hospital but I'm a guy, I'm going to tough it out, right? Some of my friends that I write to that aren't close to here said, "Go to the ER, they have to do something." Well, I'll keep you posted on the pain over the weekend.


    Sorry Cath111 for using names, looks cool being censored.
  • No apologies necessary, just glad I could please you with my censorship. Sorry, just doin' my job.

    Love your posts, keep 'em coming.

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