I'm always a "glass half full" kinda gal. In the last 2 years I've lost my mom (she was given 3 months to live and I stayed with her and moved into hospice to help her die), I've lost my brother-in-law who was like my brother, I was overcome with extreme pain in June of 08, told I wouldn't walk much longer in Sept and had surgery, PLIF plus decompression plus removal of an "enormous" cyst that was wrapped around and engaged in my spinal cord in Nov, 08. 7 hour surgery. Large loss of blood. Hate to say it but there are times now I wish I hadn't "made it" through.
I used to be a runner - for 25 years. I've always been religious. I am (or was) a CASA (court appointed special advocate) for abused and neglected kids. My hub and I have owned our business for 20 years. Now nothing. I am in constant and severe pain. Have some degree of permanent nerve damage from the cyst. Am on my 2nd epidural steroid injection in 2 weeks and on top of that have a root canal next week.
I'm so tired of being useless and a constant source of pia (pain in the a@@) to my entire family I can't even tell you. I go to work and after 4 or 5 hours of sitting, can't even tell you my name I'm in so much pain. My husband "tries" to be supportive but when he sees me suffering so much he gives me a quick hug and heads for the hills. I need my mom but she can't be here because she's, well, dead. I have a grandchild and one on the way but I'm too "crippled" to even pick my granddaughter up.
What do you all do with all this-all these desperate emotions? What is to be gained? I've certainly had life events. Cancer twice-me, loss in the family. But nothing like this constant, crippling debilitating pain. I'm so mad at God - worse than Job. I'm so depressed I worry myself. What is left? How much pain can a person endure? Is being on a life of pain medication worth it? I used to be the "strengh" of my family. I AM the strength of my family and I'm letting everybody down. I really don't want more medication. I'm on too much as it is as far as I'm concerned. I take 10 to 15 mgs of lortab a day. Some nerve stuff (gabapentin) and a few muscle relaxers but WAY too much for my brain, I think. But certainly not enough to control the pain - by leaps and bounds.
OK. This isn't me. "Me" has left the building. Sorry for the rant but I really don't know how much more of this constant, burning, searing pain I can take. What's the point? Really? Everybody yearns for the "old me" including me. I don't know what to do.
I know many of you feel the same as I do! I don't mean to take advantage of this forum but honestly, I'm at the end of my ability to cope. I'm tired of putting on a happy face. And worst of all, I've lost my faith.