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Needing some support

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:32 AM in Depression and Coping
Hello. This is my first post here. You all seem really nice, and I am really in need of some support from people who know what its like to be struggling every day.

So a little bit of background. I am an almost 30yo mum to a 2 year old. I am heavily pregnant with my second. I have scoliosis and have had previous surgery on a ruptured disc (10 years ago). I have three other ruptured discs in my back and constant sciatica down the left side accompanied by numb feet since the op. I have been advised that I will need to have a fusion at some point, but was given the advise that I should wait until after having children.

I am coping for the most part, every day is different of course, some worse than others. I am at the point now where its all just compounding though. Having daily pain and looking after a toddler is HARD.... Having pain, looking after a toddler and being heavily pregnant is proving to be almost impossible!!!!!! I have now had to stop the pain killers I was on because of the stage of pregnancy I am in and other than going for injections I am left with paracetamol. I am so determined to be as drug free as possible while pregnant as I would just feel like such a failure if it effected the baby in any way.

I am struggling though. Really struggling. My poor little boy is having to be pretty much left to his own devices at the moment and the TV is constantly on. I have now been diagnosed with depression and this big black cloud has descended on my mood. Its all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings. I have family coming over just about every day to help out which is a great help.... but they just DONT GET IT! My mother keeps telling me that I have to just suck it up and get on with things because thats what a mother has to do............ she doesnt seem to realize that just getting up and making it to the couch for the day is me DOING THAT! I am so lucky, my little boy is just lovely and stunning and so thoughtful and everything that you could want your little one to be, but I just dont have the energy or presence of mind to be with him. I am in so much pain that I really just have to kind of switch off or I am just not going to make it. Everyone is helping out so much and I just feel like I am being this massive burden. I wonder how much more of this my husband can take.

I have to keep reminding myself that pregnancy doesnt last forever... this will pass and in the very near future. I will be able to get back to a (relatively) manageable pain level soon. In the meantime though I am needing people who understand what its like. People who understand what a massive undertaking it is for me not to be taking my pills. I did the same thing at the end of the last pregnancy, but of course I COULD just stay in bed all day then and it didnt effect anyone else. I just want to give my little one the best start possible....... I am finding that it is taking everything I possess just to make it through the day though.

OK. Rant over. I hope that you all dont mind that my first post is like this. I hope that you understand. I have had enough of being strong for everyone and still being made to feel like I am not doing enough.... there is only so much that I have to give. I am at my limit.


  • Your amazing that you can deal with so much and being pregnant! I can't imagine what kind of pain it all comes down to but I can say this...

    Next time your mom says suck it up, ask her to turn around and then drive a rusty nail in between her vertibrae...;>)

    Well, only if you don't like her very much...;>)
    congradulations on the new baby, I hope and pray the birth goes well for both of you!

    As for the toddler, is there any way to 'setup' some kind of 'station' by your bed? What I mean by that is have things so you can lie down on your bed and have coloring/reading books, paper, crayons, etc. right there so your little one can spend some quality time with you while you manage to get some rest?

    Have you tried to explain to the toddler (him or her?) that you could really use some extra hugs and how you could use the little bit of help (drawings of pics & such) to not only keep you company but to pull him/her away from the tv?

    Have a tv in your bedroom & watch stuff together?
    Make 'your' comfy spot like a basecamp (sorta).
    I'd rig a big sheet over the bed for a tent, do something like that so again, you can rest and your toddler (if old enough to 'get into/understand') can be nearby with mommy.

    Just a thought.
  • I wouldn't call ur post a "RANT" it is a story of an AWESOME MOTHER who would and is doing everything possible to keep that unborn child well.
    I just wish your mother understood your pain a little better. I have learned throughout the years that...if a person has never walked down the path of CHRONIC PAIN...they have NO IDEA what we face everyday!!
    Just know you have us SPINEYS to lean on when u need to just vent or if you just need to read others stories to help get u through the day. I will be praying for you and I want to hear how you are doing!! Keep your head up and God Bless!
  • Hi Mum and welcome!!! You never ever need to apologize for your rants!! I'm very sorry you have to go through the pain of your medical conditions without any form of pain control! I had a boy and then boy/girl twins, but that was BEFORE the pain started, so I can't imagine what you are going through!

    Do you plan to have more children after this one? If not, I pray you will find a pain level that is tolerable, while still being in the proper frame of mind to raise your children! If so, you are very brave! Well, actually, already you are brave! <):)

    BTW, congratulations on another child! <:P

    You will find all the support you need here. We all have heard "suck it up" so many times, if we had an acre(hmm, guessing here!) for every time, together we would own the world! =)) =)) =))

  • Thank you all so much. You ARE lovely, what a difference it makes just to have people telling you how well you are doing. I have already felt more buoyant after reading your posts... it was the push that I needed.

    I will be sticking around for support, and hopefully offer what I can in kind.

    Its so hard to unload on family and friends. Not only is there no way that they can possibly understand unless they have been there, but there seems to be a negative reaction to someone who 'complains' all the time. I dont think I AM like that, but its the way I have been made to feel on occasion. My husband is fabulous but as my only source of emotional support at the moment I feel like I am relying on him too much and I worry that he cannot take too much more... especially once you add pregnancy hormones into the mix!!! :silly: Having a resource like this is just the life line I need at the moment.

    Thanks again!
  • Congratulations on your perserverience! I admire that! I understand your pain and not without meds! Not that I am not against what you are doing re meds, but a friend of mine went through her painful pregnancy using a low dose narcotic (dr approved) and the child turned out perfectly fine! The little girl now wins awards and all that stuff now.

    I just had my 4th back surgery and not happy about it. There were issues the surgeon didn't take care of etc. I am in the depression and totally get you on that. I contemplate dying everyday with the pain & anxiety. I don't have anyone around except my boyfriend when he's not working. I wish I did have some family around, I am lonely & scared in my pain most days. I try to count my blessings every day.

    I wish I knew all this was going to happen so that I could have had kids. I am childless and sad about it. I am glad for you and understand how crazy it sounds with the fam and all that; see if you can draw some limits on those, say who irritate you like ur mom. have her come for shorter visits. Have quiet time set up for you and get some of your family members to help set it up - for a daily occurrence! (pain w/out meds warrants it) The guy who posted before me had some great ideas too I thought. Now I fully understand how depressed you are but perhaps not how innudated with people, you youngest and, and well I wish for all the best for you and your venture!
  • I am so sorry things are so bad for you at the moment. Being lonely is the worst. Everyone here is so nice and I hope that you can find some of what you need here. Is there a pain support ground around your area that you could get in touch with? I am in the middle of looking into this myself and its interesting whats out there.

    Thank you for finding the strength while so down yourself to say such kind things to me. It means a lot. :hug:

    If it came to it I will of course take meds... I am determined not to get to that point, but also fully understand that it is also out of my hands. We will see how we go.
  • Thanks for all of your advise! Those are some great practical ideas that I am going to implement. I already have something similar set up next to the couch... you have inspired me to take it a couple of steps further. He is still very young (20 months) so while he understands that Mum cannot give him horse rides or crawl around on the ground playing blocks, he does get impatient with me if he wants a snack or something that I have to get up for. We are getting there though, I just have to keep repeating my mantra.... "pregnancy doesnt last forever!"
  • And here I thought that mantra was what we husbands kept saying to ourselves!!!

    And people wonder why bull elephants are so testy!!!
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