I just couldn't make it. I have an hour drive and got 1/2 way and turned back around and came home. My left side of my neck and into my left shoulder down my arm is killing me. The back of my neck is painful too. It's like a big toothache. I knew if I made it in, that the pain would even get worse sitting at my desk and working at the computer. I'm also thinking that the stress and anxiety of going back has increased things too. What am I going to do? I feel like a big whiney butt and a failure. My husband lost his job the first week of this month and I'm out of leave. So I really have to work. We have some money in the bank, but it's still scarey. I had a C5/6 ACDF on 6/15, after having two lumbar surgeries last year. I just had a followup with my new NS last week and he gave me Zanaflex for the muscle problems I'm having. It helps some, but makes me terribly sleepy. I'm also taking 7.5 hydrocodone, but they really don't touch the pain anymore. I just feel like something's still not right. I've tried to realize that the ACDM did prevent permanent nerve damage in my arms and hands. My right hand has started buzzing again, but I know I also have carpal tunnel.
It's so hard to continue to have pain, to try and be a model patient and return to work, be strong, and it's just hard. I'm worn out still and I just want to give up and give in to it all. My low back still aches and at times I get nerve pain down my left leg. I had cage migration and it's still bulging, but the NS revised my hardware, adding screws to stablize everything and made more room for the nerves.
Thanks for listening. You guys are so supportive and understand like no one else can. I'm a supervisor at work and my employees can't wait for me to come back to lead them, there are a few that are quite dependent and wait to be told what to do. I am driven to do what I'm supposed to do, but I just can't get there this time in my mind and in my body. I hurt. I'm tired. I'm mentally just not ready as well as physically. My husband expects me to go back, my doctor does, my team at work does. I'm letting everyone down. So here I sit, online, at home, trying to do some work from home, on meds, constantly rubbing my neck and shoulder, leaning my head to the right, stretching my arms over my head. And I'm blabbering on and on.
I do start PT this afternoon at 2pm. I've decided that if it makes the pain any worse, I'm making an appt back to the NS to see what's wrong, get xrays, something.....