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Things just cant get any worse UPDATED AGAIN

iowarobiniiowarobin Posts: 1,268
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:34 AM in Depression and Coping
Hi all. I know you all know how long I have been in pain before and the last eight months since my PLIF. Well, things are probably at the lowest point in my life they have ever been. I have had to close our convieince store, as it was not profitable. I am really having a problem with that because we have had it for 5 years and it is my fault that it is closing, because of my back surgery and unable to work. I feel like such a failure. I had my own insurance agency for 10 years and built it up to a sucessful business over that period, selling it to any agency that wanted it.

The past 4 years has totally drained all our money for Dr bills, and to keep living. Now I find myself trying to figure out how to make it week to week. Its all my fault due to my back. I feel so totally useless to my dear husband. He works all day and comes home and tries to take care of everything I cant do. Its not fair to him. I watch all the couples going out and having fun with each other, and I cant even help him feel like a man.

To make it even harder, our mini dauchshund of 15 years is getting so bad we had to make an appointment to have her put to sleep tommorow night. Even though we have other dogs, just the same it is so hard. I know shes had a good life, but it doesnt make it any easier.

I just wish, when you get to the point I am feeling right now, that I could just go in, get a shot and go to sleep. I dont know how much fight I have left in me. I cant see a life that is lived on pain meds and sleeping and drs and pain meds and surgery and more meds. Its been so long and it is just getting so not worth the fight anymore. I feel my dear husband deserves a wife that can make him laugh, and make love to him. One that can pull their own weight. I am 49 and wont make him take care of me like this forever.

Sorry folks. I am just so down, and things just get worse day by day. I dont get better, the bills get bigger and the struggle gets harder. Welcome to Robins Pity Party. Sorry...


  • Robin, I feel like I was reading a post that I could've written. I told my husband the other day that I feel as if I'm the broken part of our family and that I'm the one slowing everyone down. He scolded me for talking like that and swears he doesn't feel that way. I'm pretty sure your husband doesn't. We had to have our cat of 11 years put down in June after she had a stroke; we still have her brother but it was still hard.

    I'm 40; ok, I'll be 41 in less than two weeks so I know exactly what you feel about needing somebody to help you so much and "not being able to pull our own weight". I feel sorry for my kids (6 and 4 yrs) that didn't ask to be put in this position either. All I can do is love them (husband and kids). The kids are happy when I read to them, snuggle, kiss, and help them learn. It helps when you marry a good man. It does test us to know how to ask for help and to be thankful that we have people in our lives that are so willing to give it.

    All I can say is we're in this together girl. PM me any time. If you want, I'll give you my number and you can call me any time. >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< and lots of prayers. You've been through so much. It's time that you get better.
  • Of course they can. Just to name a few:
    Your children could be killed in a car accident.
    Your husband could be diagnozed with cancer.
    You could lose your eyesight.
    You could lose your home.
    You could end up in a shelter with no pillow-top bed.

    You obviously have a husband who loves you, and children who glow when you read to them & give them quality time. You are a very blessed woman.

    The poorest person is not the person who loses his dreams;
    It's the person who lose his hope.

    I hope that your dark cloud will pass soon, and your vision will be cleared by the sunlight.

    Get off the pity pot now. The blind man with one leg and a tin cup needs it.


    Blessings, Rusty
  • Thanks for the response. I have a tumor behind my eye that is being watched for cancer, because it is as the head of oncology said, extremely hard to get to. I have not lost my dreams. They were gone along time ago. I just am losing hope. Its all I have had left. But hey thanks for the support.
  • It is not your fault that you have a bum back and are down on your luck. You have no control over that, you are not that powerful, none of us are. I really wish that there was some sort of magic button to push on the computer that can give a person that extra boost they need when they need it. I guess the best I can do is to say that I hear you and although it may not seem like it, there is always a rest stop just up around the bend.

    Your sweet little doxy will be well taken care of and will feel no more pain and no longer be exhausted. He will be romping and playing and laying in the green grass enjoying the sun. Take his favorite blanket with you and let him know that it's okay to rest now. One thing that has helped me is The Rainbow Bridge. http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm

    I wish you strength and peace.

  • Thanks for your kind words. I have been through so much, that it is hard to express how much in writing. I know that there will always be ones that have it worse than I do. I just feel so helpless. I hace always been such a strong person, it is very hard for me to be this way. I have always worked through all my problems and lately they seem unsurmoutable. You know how it is when you loose touch with all your friends. They all care, but thier worlds keep going even when yours slows down.

    I just feel that I made such a mistake having this surgery, and dont know how to fix it. It is so hard thinking that the last 8 months have all been in vain. The surgery was so difficult and the hopes of the recovery i wanted, well they are getting farther and farther away. I look and read of others that have endured it so much longer than I have. I just felt that I went through so much trying to find out what was wrong and what was the best thing to do, that I should have had a better result.

    Laying around and taking pills isnt my ideal of what I want to do the rest of my life. If I try to move around, and walk and get active, I only pay for it by going to the hospital for IV pain meds. If I lay around and take meds, I feel like a pile of poop. So that is why I am so down. I just need a positive in my life right now, and havnt had any for so long. If I take enough meds to get remotely comfortable, I am a zombie. If I dont, I cry. WHere is the furture in all of this...Sorry...Just cant or dont know what or where to go from here. But thanks for the ear. I hope this makes some kind of sense.
  • It makes total sense. I know it doesn't mean much or help how you feel, but I've been there and know how you feel. I got to the point where I got angry over the entire situation and decided that I was going to get myself out of it one way or the other or cripple myself trying. It has been a long road. I am sitting here very grateful tonight because I have for today made it to a better place. I am functional and not a burden to my husband today. I won't try to mislead you, it has taken a long time and a lot of hard work and determination. The key is though, it all started when I got angry at my situation and decided to do whatever I could to get out of it.

    I wish I had the answers for you. Either way I will listen anytime you need to write.

  • I wish you had answers for me too. I am glad that you have had some sucess with yours. What did you have done, and when. How long has your recovery been? If you dont wish to share thats ok. I would appreciate anything you can tell me that would help me on my journey on recovery, and especially, thanks for letting me lean on you. Gonna try to get some sleep. I'm like a baby lately with days and nights mixed up. Fentanyl has me all screwed up. Hugs to you my friend >:D< Robin
  • I truly hope my comment does not upset you...but I was wondering if you have been told that you will not get any better? Also, I have always wondered why your surgery took so long? I don't know enough about your situation so if my questions are ignorant, please accept my apologies.

    Unless you have been told otherwise, you still have time to heal further. You are still not a year out from your surgery...and you had a BIG surgery that usually requires a long period of adjustment.

    I had my fusion a year and a month before you and I am still healing. Progress is so slow that I do not realize it is happening at all until I stop and remind myself how I was several months ago...what I could do then as opposed to now, etc. These are truly "baby steps" and I will never be as well as I had hoped, but I still have hope!

    Please tell me a little more about your situation, if you feel up to it.

    Hang in there --

    xx Gwennie
  • Well I went in for a simple spinal decompression and wound up having 7 lumbar surgeries in just under a year and a half, plus 9 weeks of open wound healing. It sucked and never seemed as if it would end. I started doing great and stumbled coming out of the water and tore the meniscus in my knee and had to have that fixed. I had always battled terrible headaches, but they started escalating during all of this. I went to have one surgery to fix that at C1 and C2 and wound up having 2 with surgical complications. I lost part of my hearing, my balance and just when I got that manageable I started having horrible spasms in my neck and shoulders and radiating pain into my arms and hands. Found out the surgery had denervated two muscles in my neck and set everything into a big collapse. So I wound up with a spinal cord stimulator to control the worst of the pain.

    Anyway, basically from July of 2003 until May of 2008 my life was brutal. I tried to keep working but would have to take leave without pay for months at a time. My husband stuck with me through it all, but I don't know why or how. I finally gave up working in July of 2007 and went to doing volunteer work part time.

    I could go on and on but that should give you some idea.

    Friends, doctors and acquaintances kept telling me to give in to the fact that I would never be able to do what I love to do ever again and that I should start thinking of lifestyle modifications I needed to make. It pissed me off and I never looked back.

    I hope by now you are getting some sleep. May tomorrow dawn a little brighter.

  • i lay here on the floor thinking and thinking how can i help robin. i think over and over and over. i'm sure others here are trying to come up with answers. just know others here are with you. i wish i could come and help with the store. i wish i had won the lottery and could help you with$. i wish i could remove the pain but all i can do is sit here by your side and keep wishing some change of fortune. you have others who care about you. keep up your battle for win or loose we will be honored for how we fought
  • Boy life is really hard for you at the moment and I am really sorry. Wish there was a magic answer-like Pete have been racking my brain of how I can help. It's not much consolation but I respect your bravery at putting it on paper, maybe someone has an insight which maybe of help. Just wanted to say Hi and to send you a Big Gentle Hug- hang in there and be proud of how you are continuing to fight the battle. Hugs n' Loves - Paula
  • O:) Sending you a angel to watch over you while you're feeling so down.

    Please don't feel worthless -- so many of us have been where you are -- you didn't ask for what's happened to you physically. You are doing the best you can with the cards that have been dealt.

    So sorry about the loss of your pet -- that's a heartbreaker =(( but you've been a great mom and she's had a good life with you, lots of love, care and comfort. I know you'll miss her terribly.

    Like Pete and so many others, I wish I had the $$ to help all of my spiney friends but all I can offer is prayer and faith in God that your situation will improve, that answers will be found for both health and financial issues. Believe me, I pray for myself also.

    Lots of hugs >:D< and healing and comforting thoughts coming your way,

    You're not alone in your despair,

    Big group hug from all of us coming your way,

  • hi robin,
    i was crying when reading your post, cause i also feel that way sometimes. i have been thru all this yrs ago and broke down many times. alot to do with meds, can cause alot of feels not very good.emotions very mixed up.your very blessed to have,hubby, kids. and really try to see all the positives in your life.i also feel so bad can't be there for husband ,and kids.when i feel like that i think of how to help others that are worse off. and there r so many.i have a friend,her daughters totally disabled 22 no verbal, list goes on,when things so bad for her,her hubby went bike riding on day (faulty seat) he hit bump seat came off he went flying in curb hit head, last five years he has short term memory loss.if he takes walk she has to write on post-its directions.she is my inspiration.
    i use to help feed hopeless,and give clothes out, cant do much that now.but i will again someday.
    just reading to your kids it alot more that some parents do.it is a great gift.just talking with them,hugging them.they will be great adults.
    please pm i have been there and back here again,but since last time i throw no pitty partys. give give to others in whatever way u can.it will keep ya up in spirits.
    anytime you feel down type it out, reach out.keep reading others stories, it will inspire you. i'm so thankful found this forum.new here,go in chat ,rooom different times i go in. i'll keep eye out for you
    take care
    names mary
    hug kids an hubby everday they do understand.
    i will pray for ya
    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • Robin, has your doctor mentioned any corrective surgery or anything else that he can do to alleviate your pain (other than pills)? Would you consider a pain pump (if you don't have one)? Know that many thoughts and prayers are going up for you to help you get through this. I think that feeling useless is pretty common to us, so it's something that everyone can identify with.

  • Hey girl

    Just checking in on you. Hope maybe something made you smile or even a little laugh today. All of this sucks big time. For me, I'm trying the laugh or cry school of thought. If I don't laugh, I will end up crying. I went in for a three level (C, T, and L spine) MRI today. The staff was wonderful and tried to say or do something to make me smile. Got several hugs and lots of encouragement. I've been there a lot in the last year.

    If you lived nearby, I'd take you to get a pedicure and either dinner or coffee. A little self pampering helps especially when you're with a friend. Before my fusion, I got a pedi and had all 10 toes done in a different color. Last one was only 5 different colors. Gets lots of comments from people, teaches the kids in the neighborhood their colors, and amuses me from time to time.

    Thinking about you. Sending you lots of prayers and >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< :*
  • I, too, have felt exactly like you do today, many times over. So please don't feel alone. Actually, your courage and strength has amazed me and helped me at times when I have felt down and read your posts with advice. You are such a strong and courageous woman. You have a right to have your pity party and grieve some of your losses with all you have had to deal with.

    I have felt your pain and also felt like I didn't have a purpose anymore, a burden to my family, friends too busy, and wondered why I am still here. Then something small happens and I realize how much my husband needs me, just to guide him with small things or moral support, how much he depends on me even though I need and depend on him more than ever, and how lonely and sad he would be w/o me. I get a reality check and it brings me back to reality.

    You have so many issues to face right now you have a right to be sad and upset. I don't know why we have to suffer so much or why we have to live with pain, broken bodies and spirits BUT don't let the pity party go on too long my friend....cry, cry, get angry, and then get up and hug your husband, call a friend/family and let them know you just want someone to come visit, watch a comedy with you or something. I don't know when or what will help you....the problems will still be there tomorrow, maybe for many days ahead, but I just know you can find something to laugh about (I laugh at myself alot and make jokes about how not everyone puts their pants on the same, life when you drop both grabbers, just daily things that happen that others take for granted....it helps!LOL) and little reasons why you need to be here!

    I had my surgery in Sept. 08 and I have just started to feel better, stronger and can see some improvement, it takes so long to heal and you have had the pneumonia and more so please give your body more time and give yourself a break!

    I agree with Beth,Gwennie, C, Pete, Judy and watergirl and all your spiney friends here....we are here to listen and help you. Get some rest and remember I am thinking of you today!

    Take care!
  • You are obviously depressed, and it's no wonder. Have you gotten any psychological help to deal with your suffering and grief over the loss of your businesses and the life that is passing you by? I know, you can't afford to see another doctor, I understand that, but the things you are expressing show obvious depression (I've been there) and you need help to get out of that bottomless pit.

    The pain and suffering I've read of in so many of these posts just tears at my heart. How I wish there was something I could do to help. There is something I can do, I can pray, and I will be doing that for each of you who have lost so much and yet are here to give to others. image

    2009 Foraminotomy C6-72010 PLIF L4-S1Multi RFA's, cervical inj, lumbar injLaminectomy L3-4 and fusion w/internal fixation T10-L4 July 17Fusion C2-C5 yet to be scheduled
  • Today was better. I had some dear dear friends stop in on me. It was the medicine that made me feel better, that and all of you here! Beth, I do so wish we could have a pedi together. I think that would be great. It is so much fun to do simple things like that with friends. I did that with my daughter a couple years ago. It is what makes memories. I wish we all could get together and have a good ol hug fest! you all talk about being so strong, but you know, you're strengths have inspired me when I needed it also. Our Dear Buffy, mini daucshund is now in a better place free from pain. My dear hubby had to go in with her, cause I didnt think I could take it today. It was so hard to see him go through it. She was a 6 lb dog, that scratched his side and got covered by a blanket. We will miss her, but I know it was best. We buried her at our family farm.

    Back to my friends, they are the ones who take me to my ortho every time. It is two hours there and two hours back. They always make me smile and we have a lot of fun. It helped me so much to see them. I go Monday for injections by the screws to see if it helps and we will know if it is the hardware. I am so hoping it is. Even if it means another surgery, that means maybe an end to the pain. Or at least alot.

    I am on an anti deppression med, effexor xl 75 mg. It normally is enough, I just think I was at my limit of what I could deal with. But you all helped me through a rough one, and today it does feel better. I am not ready to give up. I need to work on the positives. Tomm I get my hair cut, and that always makes me feel new again.

    I also did alot of soul searching, and praying. I know he listens and is the best therapist I have. He made me feel better, and renewed my hope and faith in people and stuff. I will be ok. It is maybe a one day at a time kind of thing, But I will be ok. My kids are both grown and sometimes, enven though they dont know it, are the stables in my life. My son has given me the sweetest grandaughter, who just turned one. And they are expecting another any day, a boy. I have to get better to be the best grandmother in the world. So that is also something to keep me up.

    This is getting way to long and maybe sappy. You all are the best!!! I was at one of my lowest points, and you all brought me up to see all the goodness in the world. Sometimes it is hard. I thank the Lord that I have all of you. You have no idea how much you all mean. And Beth, I am saying a special prayer for you, in hopes that your test reveals something, as well, that will bring some resolution to your pain as well.

    Again, hugs and love to you all. I am doing better, and will keep up the fight or adventure or whatever it is we call it today. I hope you all have a restful night, and know that I am OK. Love, Robin
  • I am so sorry you are going through such a bad time. I know how you feel. I feel the world passing me by. If your husband is like mine, the last thing he would want is for you to feel bad. When you are the one that is sick you blame yourself for everything and usually it isn't our fault.I was a hairdresser and after years of working for other people I opened my own shop. When this happened to me I had to close it. It broke my heart and it always will.My husband had to retire early to take care of me. He says he was ready to quit but I have doubts about that. I also have dogs.
    Lucy is 14 and has been such a joy. I know it is only a matter of time before I lose her.I can't imagine her not being here. All we can do is take one day at a time.I will keep you in my prayers.Feel free to vent anytime.
  • I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. Keep thinking of those positives!!! I hope you have another good day today, too!!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • I just want to let you know that I truly understand how you feel and that I've also struggled with discouragement and despair. At times I do feel like a waste of space and that I let down everyone around me. I blamed everything negative on myself.

    I also had to force myself to realize that I did not cause this; I didn't bring this upon myself. My husband does his best to curb my negative thoughts by letting me know that I am loved and needed in any way, shape, or form. I do serve a purpose. So do you sweetie. Nothing in this world can take that away.

    You have been through so much, and even so you find the strength to log on here and help others in need. It means a lot to everyone, believe me. Through your posts you have encouraged others to keep fighting and not give up, even when facing the worst. You ARE stronger than you think ;)

    I wish there was something to take all the pain away. All we can do is keep on living and be there for our family and friends. You are not alone and will never have to worry about suffering by yourself. We're here for you >:D<
  • I had written this on a previous post, but I hope that it will help you now.

    When a friend of mine had to have her dog put to sleep she asked the vet if he believed that there were animals in heaven. I will never forget his reply -- "The Lord is coming back on a horse. Where do you think he got it?" Then my friend was able to let go of her dog, knowing that she would see him again.

    Peace be with you at the loss of your friend,


  • Hi,

    Robin I am glad you are having a better day today. This life of pain and surgeries is very tiresome. I think on some level we all feel like a "burden" and wish we could do more with, and for, our family, friends and ourselves. I also heve 2 young kids (4 & 7) and have frequent guilt trips about what I am unable to do with them. However, I then try to think about what I can do and concentrate on that. I understand your feelings about your husband too, he sounds like a good man, be thankful for him, he obviously loves you. I wish you and all of us Spineys have better days ahead of us. Lisa
  • I'm sorry I didn't see this post earlier, but it's good that so many people have sent you their very best wishes and prayers.

    It's funny (not funny haha, funny wierd) that when we have those very bad days, they seem to last so much longer than the good days. But I'm glad you did some soul searching and are feeling better. Sometimes it's the family that makes us feel worse because we feel we're cheating them somehow, but then they are oftentimes the only ones that can also make us feel better.

    I so, so understand about having to let go of your little baby. I lost my doggie soulmate, Merc, on April 14 and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. They leave an awfully big hole for someone so small, don't they?

    I'm sending you a very big, but gentle hug. Take care and please continue to keep us updated, not only on your pain, but on what happens with your tumor.

  • Robin, when you're having problems even having a spark of hope just remember that we are all here full of hope for you. Just let us know and we'll open the floodgates!

    I just remember that God is not going to deal me anything I cannot handle. I can't control what's dealt to me but I can control how I play my cards.

    I'm happy to hear you're doing better.
    Spiney hugs >:D< >:D<
  • Hey girl

    Just checking in to see how you're doing? Hope you have a great weekend! Remember, we love ya and are praying for you. Lots of thoughts and support for you! >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • I was happy to hear your friends came by and made your day! Just what you needed and it worked! I hope you are having a little less pain and feel somewhat better today!

    Also, congrats on soon to be grandma again. Sometimes when one door closes another opens and I think maybe the store closing can give you more time with family right now! Family time is priority and it sounds like you have a wonderful family to keep you happy! A sweet little granddaughter and a grandson on the way....how much fun is that!!!

    Pamper yourself and have a good week end, Friend!

  • hi
    you know you may feel like you are on your own but you are not all over the world there are people is a similar position .health problems are bad enough but money problems only compound the matters even more .and when you are full of pain the last thing that you want is to have to cope with money worries /i can even sympathise with your dogs health .we have an old cocker spaniel and he is not well he has several health issues he does not seem to be in pain and he get him self about ok ish but i know he does not have much time lift .so that's on my mine too .back pain sounds so innocent but its may as well be terminal most of us take medication that terminally ill people take but we tend to not get the respect and sympathy that the terminally ill get .i hope that what i have just said has come out correct and is not misinterpreted as it sounded right ion my head !.listen i have no answers no one does we are all in the same boat ,just keep strong my friend .yes i know its bloody hard work !!
  • Robin, i wish i'd found this post earlier, but as you can see, there are people here who care SO MUCH about you & we all wish we could take the pain & loss & fear from you.

    your partner has stuck with you through thick & thin so far--it sounds as if he is there to stay. that's amazing, & exactly what you deserve.

    you have been so kind to me, a perfect stranger, so i don't wonder at all that your friends drop by, help out, just want to be around you. you seem like the kind of person who is a good friend.

    i'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. this is such a hard struggle, & the lessons pain teaches are not kind or gentle. one of the most important lessons, though, is THAT YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. you are injured, & that injury is not something you wished for or wanted, not something it is within your power at this time to alleviate. that's not a reflection on you. you are still the same kind, loved & loving person you were before the injury.

    pm me anytime you want. i'm slow to get back because of my own issues, but i am here for you. if i could give you a tenth of the comfort you've given me i would be happy!

    & ps, the loss of a member of the family--your little dog--is such a hard thing to cope with. it's just continuous heartbreaking grief, so don't underestimate the impact on you.

    hugs & thinking of you!!!!!
  • You all have helped me the last few days. I keep re-reading your posts and it makes me feel surronded by so many loving and caring and giving people. You are all the best. I do however need a favor. On Monday I go to the orto to get injections by the screws in my fusion. This is supposed to show if it is mechanical pain. I need a group prayer, that this is the anser to my pain. I think it is "what the Dr ordered" to make me strong enough to keep going till I can have the instraments out. I know you are all there for me. And I hope I can be there for all of you too.

    Saturday we are going to get the 1 year old grandaughter and give my son and wife some R + R. And gives us some precious Erika time. Too much fun! It always lifts me up.

    I hope the injections are the answer to my prayers, and I can finally have some good things happen. And then Friday I need a small group hug. I am having surgery on my knee. I have something wrong. They are going to scrape back of knee cap and check the rest. Thhen in a month, I have the other knee. A person would think I am having an affair with the anesthesiaist.lol

    Everyone Here have as pain free a weekend as possible, I love you all, and just one day at a time we will all make it, >:D< :H :)
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