I'm new here post-wise, but I've been lurking around reading and soaking up all of the great information and input for a while. I'm scheduled for 2 level fusion on Oct 5th, and have been dealing with severe radiculopathy, spasms, cramps, sciatica, numbness, from stenosis, etc., etc., for close to 2 years now. But in the past 6 months or so, it's gotten much worse, and especially the past month. I've been through the physical therapy, the cortisone shots, etc., with little to no relief. Now I'm just waiting for my surgery. And literally JUST waiting.
I used to be a very active person, playing softball 3-4 times a week, working out 4-5 days a week, or hiking or something. And now I feel like a useless, waste of space. I can barely walk even with a cane (which I hate as I'm only 30). And simple everyday tasks are such a struggle that I can barely stand it.
I'm lucky enough to have a great gf who tries to take care of me, and tries to understand what I'm going through. She has had 2 microdiscectomies herself, but her whole experience from injury to surgery was 3 months, and only about 3 weeks with the 2nd surgery. So she understands to a certain extent. But it took a while for her to realize how much more major of a surgery fusion is, and how hard it's been to deal with the pain this long and the degree and variety of symptoms I have.
She does a lot of the basics for me, like grocery shopping, and helping with chores and dinner. But I've changed so much because of the whole ordeal, as well as the meds and just struggle to get through the day every day. I'm exhausted from still working a 40 hr week through the pain, and then not being able to sleep at night. And all of this is taking its toll on us as individuals as well as a couple. I'm carrying the burden of all of the negative changes for both of us because even though I can't help the situation, it's still my fault.
I'm just so depressed all of the time these days, and have no one to really talk to. She has her friends and can get out of the house, do whatever she wants whenever she wants and I'm stuck at home hardly able to move. I try not to dwell on it and just focus on my work and getting through the day, but I just can't anymore. I've gone tfrom a very independent stoic person, to this worthless lump that just can't stop crying and feeling miserable. I've tried to talk to her and maybe come up with something to help the situation. But she's so wrapped up in her own exhaustion and frustration with it all that she's just emotionally unavailable. And I can't really blame her for that, you know?
I guess I just feel so alone and sometimes just don't feel strong enough to get through it all.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" everyone.