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What the...?

Cath111CCath111 Posts: 3,702
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:41 AM in Depression and Coping
I need to vent about this and because we don't have a topic titled "Things that Really Tick Me Off", I'm putting it here.

What's with our caretakers? Did someone remove the reasoning side of their brains before we got home? I mean, really, I just find some things totally unbelievable and sometimes wonder of Homer Simpson is living in my house.

First of all, my MIL was my caretaker for the first two weeks after my TLIF. Well, we all know that this comes with a lot of meds, pain meds, meds that cause constipation, right? Well, my first two weeks of meals consisted of chicken with noodles on a bed of mashed potatoes and gravy, or pot roast, or beans and onions on cornbread or fried chicken. Breakfast was french toast. Lunch was a cheese quesadilla. So finally, I asked her if we could have some vegetables, so she added potatoes to a fried chicken dinner. Her reasoning is that "they come out of the ground, don't they?" Uh, yeah, well, I was kind of hoping for a salad or something green like broccoli, but whatever. Well, the quesadilla did taste good, but it's not good FOR me, but she decided that I liked it so much she went and bought a package of tortillas and a block of cheese so I could have one for lunch every day. How sweet of her.

So she leaves and now it's my hubby who has to either make or help make the meals. He's been in church band practice after work on Tuesday and Wednesday so I had to make our dinner so it was ready when he got home. It absolutely killed me to do what it takes to make dinner, but dadgumit I need some chicken and veggies and salad, so I did it. The dishes are still sitting on the counter because I can't empty the dishwasher to clean the kitchen and he's just too tired.

Last night, no practice, but boy, was he tired from having practice the previous two nights. So he says to me, "How about I make us bacon for dinner?" Bacon? Bacon I ask? "Yeah, bacon sandwiches. It's easy and I'm tired." I told him to do whatever he wanted and I'd make myself a salad. The dishes are still sitting on the kitchen counter, blah blah blah.

So, he asks me last night, "I hope you're going to come to church on Saturday..." He has to be there at 8am for practice and service isn't until 11am. Has he forgotten that I can't drive yet? And even if I could, has he forgotten that I can't sit for 1-1/2 hours in a wooden pew and then drive home?

And yet, he's the first one to tell me when I'm hurting that I'm doing too much. "You have to take it easier," he says. Oh, ok.

My house is a disaster because the only thing I can do is pick up the stuff my dog rips apart during the day with my little picker-upper, I can't clean the kitchen and apparently I forgot to purchase the kitchen that can clean itself. I have to wonder if the kitchen will just keep piling up until I see my doctor on Feb. 16 and he clears me to lift 20 lbs. and bend over.

I must say that I'm very grateful to both my MIL and my husband for the things that they HAVE done and of course everything would be even harder without them here. But good Lord, am I the only one that remembers 24/7 that I'm trying to heal from surgery and there are things I need that I can't do and that I hurt all the time?

I sure hope that people that professionally take care of people at home make a lot of money because apparently it's a lot harder than it looks.

Can you tell that I'm just a BIT ticked off today? Sorry, I just needed to rant and now I'm done. Oy Vay! I know I'll think of more, but I'll just tell Wally. He's a good listener when he's not ripping apart the rug or dragging the clean laundry around the living room.



  • but, =)) I did not know my MIL had a TWIN! :))(

    She once made us a dinner of meatloaf, Ham, rice, noodles, mashed potatoes and Gravy! I kid you not!

    This is a woman who was a food service director for a school district for over 30 years!!!

    I tend to "be busy" when we are invited up for a meal as one never knows how strange it will be!

    Hang in there on the cleanliness thing, LET IT GO!
    My wife is like your husband, she lets things sit around till the pile threatens to topple, then cleans.
    She gets mad at me if I mess with her stuff! She saves magazines for "articles she wants later".
    When I was in better shape to do it, I would sit down and go through piles of years old magazines, being careful not to be to obvious about it, and recycle most of them. uh, she NEVER NOTICED they were gone!

    If I really could not stand the mess, maybe you can call in a housecleaner and send your husband the bill? :/
  • Hon, if I could, I would come all the way over to your home and take care of you PROPER.

    Someone a while back started a thread "Do You Live Alone?" or something like that. My answer was "It Sure Feels Like It!" for all the help I get.

    I don't want to take away from your thread by discussing MY issues, but I know how you feel.

    BUT, does your hubs know? It does no one any good to sit and stew like that. Once you calm down, just discuss with him that although you are feeling a bit better, you are still under restrictions and that dadgumbit he needs to clean the freaking kitchen.

    Or something to that affect. I have poor people skills today. Today is my boss's last day. I start under a "new command" come Monday.

    That's neither here nor there. This is about YOU. I'm sure hubs thinks that you were able to cook all that, surely you can clean it. Obviously, he's had what we call a "brain fart".

    He just needs a little gentle prodding. If that doesn't work, then a swift kick in the @$$.

    Hope you fell better soon...

    (I'm sorry to say this, but I LOVE BACON SANDWICHES! but I understand where you are coming from... ok. carry on now...)
  • Been there done that.

    Why don't you contact the church that (hubby is there a lot) and see if the ladies of the church (or whomever) can bring you some salads and healthy vegi friendly casseroles.

    Try to be patient..... and a good patient.... :O) I wanted to kill my family with the PLIF. I couldn't sytand looking at the laundry piling up, the carpet un-vacumed etc.

    Have hubby drive you to the store when he can and get the micro wave healthy choice dinners (check the fiber content) and some fresh fruit.

    Hugs :)

  • Cath,

    We more than likely need to add in surgical needs paper plates, plastic utensils and all the disposable stuff to cook in and then just throw it away after dinner. I stand firm here on the paper goods. Even the crock pot gets a bag in it. The dish washer here is me. Although we have one, no one understands what it is for. Bacon works well in the microwave on a paper towel on paper plates. Get my drift, when there is no one going to do it, solve the problem. Now you could of course if all else fails call Merry Maids or something to that effect. Or check out craigslist for someone looking to clean house. I have a bad tendency to figure it out and leave the stress to other more important things like "where does all the tread go off tires, it don't pile on the roads like snow."

    If all else fails hire a carpenter to put a door on the kitchen so you can close and not see it....jk
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated...to say the least. I think that most of us can relate to what you're going through and have been there at one time or another. I can tell you're used to taking care of everything at home. Still your hubby should step in and take care of the cleaning and cooking until you've recovered. I know how you feel when you do things and then he tells you that you have to take it easier! I know the way that makes your blood pressure rise! Maybe they just don't think. Maybe we do need to tell them. They say they can't read our minds...I don't know about you but around here that's probably a good thing most of the time. lol I agree with Jeaux that maybe you should point it out to him and if that doesn't work follow through with the rest of her suggestion.
    I hope you feel better real soon. Remember to not be trying to do to much okay.

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,839
    Till then.
    A lot of Take Outs, Home Deliveries and
    Paper goods...
    Anything that makes it easier on yourself
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Wrangler, you made me blow milk out my nose with your MIL comment. You stop that! Nah, I'll just make sure there's nothing in my mouth when I read your posts.

    I appreciate everyone's support and suggestions, but I'd much rather hear everyone's funny stories about the Homer Simpsons they have taking (or trying to) take care of them. I can't possibly be the only one whose caretaker(s) are in major brain fart mode?

    Come on, Jeaux - spit it out. You were on the verge there...

    My mother once told me that if you're in a situation, look at it and what it will mean to you in five years. If it's something that you'll either forget or laugh at, then it is't worth worrying about. This is one of those things.

    I'd just like to hear your stories if you have any. We'll make a permanent disclaimer that we love them and know they do their best. I know it's not easy.

    Now, give us the goods, peeps!!!
  • Oh Cath!!!I have to add my 2 cents---I must say my hubby has been great this time-but he is retired.But when he and I were both working,I had several Official Texascowgirl MAJOR MELTDOWNS about the kitchen.So one day after the dishes had been sitting about 3 days---I left them on purpose---I threw the dirty dishes in the trash--thats right,every one.Then I bought paper everything----I also hid the other dishes,and all the cutlery except 2 of everything.He got the message.---I made it very clear it was OUR MESS,not just MY MESS----yep I do have my moments---but I love him and we have been married almost 37 years!I think the only things we have even argued about are money,and housework---ugggggggg.I agree with Julie--are you able to get around the store,so you could "offer" to go with him(and pick out stuff you want)Hang in there!!!!!
  • it all sounds so familiar! My Hubby helps, however, if he comes home to a "cluttered" house" (2 kids 5 & 8) he starts to huff and puff and storm around cleaning things up.

    Now, I know I am doing too much trying to tidy up before he comes home (which pisses me off) because I still have all of my BLT restrictions in place, but I just cannot stand his disapproval and then huffing and puffing while clearing up what he feels needs to be done.

    We've discussed it before and he says it has nothing to do with me, ITS HIS PROBLEM. Well, hello, since I am home all day with the kids, how do I not take offense?????

    Also Cath, as far as your MIL, at least yours helped. Mine (and FIL) are only 25 mins. away and would you believe not once has she/he offered to come for a day to watch the kids so I can rest, or take them overnight to give me a break. Pretty pathetic, but she's right there to compare (and "win") the aches and pain contest she insists on conducting.

    Its a shame we can't all get the support we need. It would make suck a difference to our mental health and healing. Sorry for ranting, Lisa
  • Right now my kitten is playing with the papers under my computer desk. I don't know how I'll ever get this place clean. I really need to hire some help. I would love to find someone who can clean for $45. for 4 hours Paul that sounds great. I'm going to check the classifieds to see. It's really embarrassing as I used to be a church Custodian and cleaned a private junior school with 11 classrooms and portables but now it seems so hard to get things done. I called CCAC home care to get an assessment from PT and Social Work maybe they'll offer some help...Now the kitten's got an old apple core she found eeks not funny! Little bits at a time do what you can. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Cathie, I so feel your exasperation... I asked my bf to sweep and mop the floors (we have laminate throughout, so it's not that hard when you have a "good" neck and back) on Monday... I could knit another 2 whole dogs and 2 whole cats from the dust bunnies scattering across the floors!!! The thing that irks me, is he's not working right now, while I just went back to full days, so I'm not exactly in the best shape (or frame of mind) to deal with it when I get home... So, the 2 dogs, 2 cats and multiple bunnies continue to play together... (I'm not even going to mention the dishes in the sink, even though the dishwasher is right beside them!!!)
    As Jeaux said, breath in, breath out, and don't look down or in the kitchen!!!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    Even with the corset,red pumps, and silk P.J.s So I ain't touching this one! Au go ahead and give him a good kick! =))
    Jim p.s I'll bet he don't know what it's for! :D
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Oh my gosh, let's see....when I had my fusion my husband said he didn't want to cook dinner so he'd pick up to-go for us! Then I had the fusion and came home. Yea, right! Just as I figured, he was too tired after work and didn't want to go out again to get something. Now we're in a fix because he didn't help shop ahead so we don't have a back up! But the thing is, he's ok because he can eat a sandwich, soup or cereal every night and be happy! So couldn't we just have a sandwich? Like you, I wasn't really hungry for alot but needed something healthy!

    Luckily, my best friend knows my husband to a "T" and her mom has had 2 fusions so she knew how I felt and saved me! The best gift anyone did for me after surgery: She brought over a package of several new gowns for me to feel nice and more time between laundry! And each week for the first 2 weeks she cooked and delivered enough meals, snacks, sweets for my son/ husband and healthy treats for me: Easy to fix(even had directions on some things for my husband on how to fix/warm! He had to do it as she was checking on him!LOL), warm or mix(salads)up quickly or reach onto the counter and grab a bite! Best thing anyone ever did for me,ever! She saved us! Then after 2 weeks ...my husband would try to find excuses, even if I was trying to cook to not have much because he didn't want extra dirty pans or dishes! Even if we used paper plates he worried if there was too much clean up! LOL! What's really funny is my husband is OCD, like the salt on the left, pepper right, things in order...he has always come in and walked around checking things before changing clothes after work BUT he's not compulsive OCD because he can let everything else go!LOL! The house can be a mess,seriously, as long as the salt and pepper are in place!

    God bless my husband as he is a good man, a good husband and provider, great dad, and he loves me unconditionally!! And he has had to do more than his share now caring for me, the house, etc. But he was spoiled and never knew how much work it takes to keep house inside, out,laundry,etc.I did everything because for years he was on the road and when he got off I just continued to do what I always did!

    At first, he thought he could wipe the toilet seat and the toilet was clean(hello, you have to clean inside and with all guys here the br was like a gas station until I convinced him to wipe the bottom of the bowl! LOL)! Every week he'd try to convince me the sheets were still clean!LOL Although, in his favor he was sweet and did change the bed I was on daily for me after he helped me shower! And he never saw any dust anywhere except on the tv screen! LOL!

    Anyway, Cath, the point is my old house never has been so abused and dirty! The good news is my husband did pick up enough slack (and our teen and friends...not the best at clean but they tried) to get us through ok. Not the way you and I want it, but to survive. And by the way, my husband started sweeping, mopping(he never did move or go under furniture,etc so you could always see where he did a good job and where he missed!),cleaning,laundry,etc. and he'd say, "This is why your back is bad, you did too much!" Because he saw(and I'd let him know what he wasn't doing,I'm bad) what wasn't getting done! what I had done!

    In the meantime, I knew we needed help! I hired a sweet girl(19 and needs work to pay for school w/jobs scarce) that will do just about anything. Good thing because 1st thing she did was dust and move things to get the dust rats that had taken over! I was afraid they were going to kill us!LOL I knew it was get help or argue with my husband to do more! The good news is help saved us but the bad news is now my husband has started having back problems at L5-S1! Yikes! He is older than me but one of us needs to be able to do things(our son won't always be around), carry groceries, etc. so I had him stop doing anything that would aggravate it (because it's too late for me!)and we're trying to save his back! He just had his first epidural and so far so good! Hope it continues as I never want him to have the pain or go through what I have had.

    I know this is long but you brought back a lot of memories. You got me started! Some funny and some ticked me off to stroke level! LOL! I remember those first few weeks when you just sit there and you see every little thing that isn't getting done and you feel helpless because you can't do it! You are fighting to survive!It's the time your patience is really challenged! Close your eyes and rest, like Jeaux told you, breathe, rest, breathe, sing a silly song, tell Wally how ticked you are, cry, then watch a movie or read a book that makes you laugh out loud.....come visit us here and soon you will be ok!

  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    Don't watch a funny movie that makes you laugh! I watched an old Seinfeld rerun last night, one of the funniest ones.
    I hurt so bad I had to shut it off! And they are all telling us to do that. There is something amiss here. I think they are secretly sado masochists And they are setting us up! :? image:)" alt=">:)" height="20" />
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Jim, I have the complete set of Seinfeld episodes (all of them) and it also has a book that gives details of different things with each episode. Like you know how Cramer always comes running into Jerry's apartment? Well, he didn't do that in the beginning but in the third or fourth episode Cramer missed his cue and came running in and the crowd laughed so much he did it from then on. Cool, huh?

    Anyway, last night I was really really smart. I told hubby that if he would just empty the dishwasher, I could rinse all the dishes and put the glasses in the dishwasher and then he could put the rinsed stuff in the bottom of the dishwasher. He said, "Oh, no, I'll clean the kitchen," and got right up and did it. Wasn't that clever? Worked like a charm.

    Like Charry and Paul, I'm tempted to hire someone to come and do a major cleaning of the house then I think it would be easier to keep it clean than to get it clean. It's an idea and if a miracle happens, I'll tell hubby about this and he'll say, Oh, no, I'll do it." Yeah, right. I think I got lucky as it was.

    Jim, I personally think that if you walk around in your silk jammies, red pumps and corset, you could get away with almost anything. WeetWiew (that was a whistle)

    Lisa, I can't believe your inlaws. You're right - I consider myself lucky considering my MIL came all the way from Arizona to take care of me.

    Thanks for sharing your stories. We all have one and it's not because we have bad families, it's just darned difficult to have spine problems and this is just a part of it.

  • I know this won't work for everyone,because everyone's house,family,and lifestyle is different.But here goes---now it is just my husband and myself,and of course our Buster Boy.(Ridgie).We bought our land and built our house 13 years ago.I knew I was SICKKKKKK of housework,and I was determined to keep it to a minimum.We have all tile floors-no carpet to deal with.We had built-ins put in the closets,so the underwear,etc-has to go in there,not all over the furniture.Our house is small-2 bedroom,2 bath--I only have the bare essentials in them,to avoid the other person in the house putting "stuff" everywhere.I have very few knickknacks.I originally thought this through when we were both still working,but now it has paid off because there is very little to clean.I too have looked at the kitchen,and think,just do it!The difference between my first and last fusion is this time I just let it sit.I sweep the floors because I know he wont do that--doesnt bother him a bit.I think my rambling point is I am glad I rethought our living situation before I had surgery.
  • What is it with men and their selective vision? My Hubby has been out of work since the summer, I had my op in October and went back to work (part time thankfully) in Jan.
    The floors have been cleaned about twice and it was a MAJOR undertaking. Mostly nothing gets done unless I say and then you feel like a nag. The last two weekends I have ended up cleaning the bathroom and since about mid Nov I have been doing the kitchen too. Two weeekends ago I started cleaning in a pointed fashion (you know) and instead of taking the hint he watched me!! More fool me. I keep trying to leave it but I hate a dirty kitchen and bathroom.
    What I don't get is that when I was well it took me about 2 hours to give the downstairs a good clean (only a little house) yet he doesn't have enough time to do it when I am out at work for 5 hours! Apparently doing all my jobs (!) on top of his (putting the bin out is all I can think of that fell into this category) takes more than all day. What am I wonderwoman? I can do all my jobs and go to work and still manage to sleep!!! Sometimes I get the feeling that the implication is that he does the jobs better than me so it takes longer. I think that really he is just so disorganised! Also he has to put on the right outfit and soundtrack for every task!
    To be fair he did do the cooking and the shopping right after I got home, but again, it is no more than I used to do when he was in work. And he would cook what I asked for mostly so when I needed the veg I tended to get it.
    I know that he thinks he is working really hard but I also know that once he goes back to work all "my" jobs will be reassigned and, magically, they will all get done and he will come home to a clean house and dinner in the oven.
    I have spoken to my friend about it and she says it is just men. Reading this thread it does seem that way!
    I must sound horrible! I do love him really!
  • Once when the weather was really cold, I lost electricity to my home. My mother happened to call and when I told her the situation and that I was freezing and sitting in the cold she told me to go plug in my heating blanket. DUH!!!!! Enough said!

    Sometimes no help is a good thing! (LOL!)

    PS Sorry Mom, I love you anyway!
  • They are all the same. My husband won't do any house cleaning until he gets mad and then tells me he has to teach me how to do it!! Well damn who did it the other 364 days of the year? He's been on furlough since the day of my surgery but he's been working on the rental house we bought last year. He left three days after my surgery and has been back about 6 days total since. He calls every day to tell me what I need to do at home and with the kids. A little help would have been nice but I know we would have been fighting instead.

    I was raised in a house where everyone just did what needed to get done. I never had chores but I did what ever came up. It kills me to ask my husband or kids to do something. Everyone has an excuse.

  • Cath, I had no idea were twins seperated ar birth, either that, or we have the same husband! If it makes you feel any better, my hubby just took out the Christmas tree! Yes, your eyes are correct, and this date is current, he just took out our tree!! After a while, you just stop asking, waiting patiently. Trying to come up with rational that any sane person that comes over will buy, as to why there is a Christmas tree looking ever so lovely, if wilted and having dropped so many pine needles that it now resembles Charlie Brown's tree. Mind you, it was lovely in early December. Even the cats were bored and no longer wanted to chase each other around it. I tried putting some cat nip under it, thinking if they tipped it over, surely he would carry it out to the curb.

    You can only imagine what the kitchen sink looks like...but I will save that gem for another day! Too much laughing just results in more soreness. maybe I'll include pictures next time, dead tree and all!! Hugs and giggles~Shari
  • Shari-I posted early-on,when I was having a Mini_Meltdown,about the time(not during surgery)when I let the kitchen go to see if hubby would help clean--he didn't---I threw away all the dirty dishes,glasses,pots,pans,--he got the hint
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