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I wish

WramblerWWrambler Posts: 1,588
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:41 AM in Depression and Coping
I was in my cabin, My cabin is someplace I can do things on my schedule, or lack thereof.

My cabin does not make me feel useless because I can't do ALL that I used to.

My cabin lets me do what I can do for a few hours a day.

My cabin is my house, it has my smelly old dog and a cat that would not come to me if I was covered in catnip. It holds my workshop, my old cars, it holds me ability to stop when I want to and start when I feel like it.

Snow, does not bind me to my cabin or cause me to become feverish, it does on rare occasion close my work place. Allowing me to stay there, home, were I can be me, as much of or as little of me as I want to.

Work, is a 4 letter word, it traps me, it has me dwelling in my disability, knowing that if I choose to do those things I feel I should, I will suffer the consequences. Work, takes my seconds, my minutes and they become hours, yet they pass as if they are months, years.

I think sometimes that to be, is to suffer, as I seem to find no joy in a large percentage of my life, yet, it goes on.

Cabin fever? oh, if it were only so simple...

I started to post this under Cabin fever, but thought perhaps it was a bit much and not really going to belong there. I find myself dwelling a lot on this state of "living" I seem to be doing. I'd call it more "waiting". The thing is, I know not for what I wait, I fear I will either not know it when it arrives, or rather I will turn it away from my door. Perhaps I already have?

Or, it could be the snow,ice,snow,ice,more snow, more ice we have gotten this last week.

I miss me, Has anyone seen me? Please tell me to come home.


  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    Hi wrambler,

    For me work, especially physical work, gets me motivated. Ever since I was very young I always wanted to work. Now my biggest fear is when I will be no longer able to do the work I enjoy. Maybe I could do a career change and do alright but what will happen when I can't do the physical work around the yard that I so enjoy. I'm trying to mentally prepare for that day Wrambler as I know it is inevitable. It just scares the heck out of me. In the back of my mind it would be best if I moved to a warmer climate with a single level dwelling, and no maintenence. That way I won't be disappointed in myself by not being able to do the work I love. Oh yeah, I owned a cabin, along with my home, and along with my business. The cabin had to go, couldn't keep up!
    lol ;-)
  • I tend to ramble on,
    Somewhere in that mess I got kind of lost. My point was that when I am home I can work on my terms, here at work the terms belong to someone else, they leave me to do what needs done when THEY need it done, not when I feel up to it. I am a much happier person when I am not constantly reminded that I should be careful, which I have to do at work.

    I don't have any other answer than that. Perhaps it is simply something I needed to put out there.
  • >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    hey wrambler,
    I understand now. It so much easier when you can do what you want when you want. I sorta got off track on your post, sorry about that my friend.
    take care,
  • It's doing those things on other people's terms, that afford us the opportunity to have those safe places and time to ourselves.

  • It's called life.....
  • Well, of course you wramble on - that's your name for a reason!

    I understand the comfort of a special place. My house is my special place (thank goodness - driving to Starbucks every day would be too difficult). My little Wally knows when I don't feel good and on those bad occasions when I've had to pray to the porcelain god, he was right there with his paws on my back whining and crying.

    I've got my special chair and my special pillow, and Wally and my special park across the street. And I've got ice cream. Lots of ice cream - it truly sooths the soul.

    There's something wonderful to be said about comfort and when you find it, there's nothing better than spending time there. Sometime lots of it.

    If you were to ask me what I'm waiting for, it's Spring. I'm tired of the cold and the snow, wearing lots of layers of clothes, and having to put on my boots to go for a walk. I want to see and smell flowers, wear my Crocs, shorts and a T-shirt on my morning walks, eat some watermelon and smell fresh mown grass. I want to sit on my patio with the awning unfurled reading a good book while my little Wally watches the birds and plays with the squirrels. And I'd love to have a pitcher of Margaritas on the table with four glasses, one each for my husband and our two best friends while there's chicken on the grill and a salad waiting for the chicken to be ready.

    There's a lot of good stuff to wait for and I try hard to focus on them.

  • I get what you are saying.
    Cabin fever for you is not being in your cabin (or home). I can appreciate it.

    Being at work is restricting because it does remind you that you are hurting but have deadlines to meet. At home, the deadlines are those we wish to inflict on ourselves and generally we forgive ourselves when we are having a day where we need more time than normal to complete something.

    At home, we realize life will go on if we are 5 mins late or 2 days late on cleaning. At work, they don't feel that way...your paycheck is a little dependent on deadlines.

    But I always see work as a means to an end. I did have a job for 8 years that I loved...but now find that my job tries to own me. I purposes am taking my full due time to recover because I realize no one will balance my work and life except me.

    I hope you are ok. You seem a bit down in your post but I think it's more frustration. Hugs.
  • I hear you Wrambler! At the moment I totally resent work as I feel it is slowing my recovery. I am a teacher so can't slack off. I have to teach my lessons according to a timetable and mark work according to when I next see the class.
    The bright light for me is that the kids are so great and understanding. If it wasn't for them I think I would have stayed off sick.
    I feel so much better at home where I can be me, take a break when I need, do stuff when I want!
  • Some of you get me.
    Dave that was so enlightening, I never knew that =))

    I was feelign meloncholy, is that right? I have a little arsenal of not so great meds that allow me to live my pathetic (tongue in cheek) little life. My doctor insists my Valium intake be limited to 20 mgs a day. Great in the daytime, but a 2-3 am wakeup will require 10 mgs to calm my back down enough to go back to my toss and turn sleep. So, by the end of a one month script I have to cut back on the valium and things get real bleak until the script can be refilled. I have talked to my doctor these last two months. He simply says to take 20 mg a day unless I really need the extra ten, so I try and fail a few days leaving me short. Ain't lif grand.
    Nothing like what some go through here though. It simply opens another door in my mind.
    I also find that everytime I try to let this wramble out it helps me see myself a little better.
    The other thing I find is, I miss SUSAN :''(
    She always knew what to say to make me think better and feel better...
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