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Try and fail

Cath111CCath111 Posts: 3,702
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:43 AM in Chronic Pain
Today, after being released from PT on Monday, I felt good. Not having been out of the house yesterday, I decided it was a good day to go out, do a little shopping, planning some meals, going out to lunch in addition to my usual Wally-walking (in the snow this morning - Wally's so fun in the snow) - it all sounded right up my alley. A good day, nice long walk, fun talk with my friend on the phone, a little game playing, some reading, a good day. I even got excited buying the new Avitar Blue Ray DVD - something to savor for the perfect night.

I decided that I'd make hubby and my favorite ham and egg enchilada casserole so we'd have leftovers for our lunches the rest of the week, or even dinner when we didn't feel like cooking later in the week. I did this while he's out at church band practice, just me and my kitchen, but told him to call me when he's on his way home and I'll make us some sloppy joes for dinner and save the casserole. Good idea, right?

Half way through my casserole, which includes a bit of prep work chopping onions and peppers, beating eggs, etc. (that's a fun sous chef activity), my back started hurting so bad that I had to sit and wait out finishing the casserole while groaning through Jeopardy.

Now I sit here, in my comfies on my recliner, having made the decision that the ham and egg enchilada casserole will have to be dinner tonight because it was all I could do to just get the da-- thing done. So, I once again tried to have a full day and ended up with less.

I so hate this great feeling we get as chronic pain people, having the motivation but being sidelined by our spines. I really don't want any "poor thing" or "that so sucks" from you guys, I just want you all to know that you're not alone in trying and failing. Personally, I'm just ticked off. I don't care any more what they say about "You'll feel better when..." crud. I'm sick of this and I'm just venting to my spiney family who know exactly what I'm talking about, how I feel and how I want to scream into a pillow. I'd punch something (other than Wally) if I knew it wouldn't hurt.

Once again, plans out the window, butt in the chair, food in the fridge that has to stay there that was supposed to be dinner, but has to wait until tomorrow.

But, at least I have my little Wally who hugs and kisses me when I ache so bad and my hubby who doesn't care what we have for dinner, just that I gave it my best.

Guys, we need each other for times like this. Who else can we vent to who understands the frustration and anger that comes with this crap?

Thanks for listening.
Cath (aka #1 Grumpy - give it up for me tonight Graham.)
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Comments

  • I truly get it! It makes you feel so down! You are mad, sad, really ticked,angry and feel so ARGHHH!!!! I hate my life sometimes! But I really do have good news for you! A year from now you will look back and be amazed at the difference, believe me. I know it! Last year this time I still didn't have the stamina and strength(I called it power...no power to do anything at all, nothing like chopping,opening things,etc.) I really thought that was it, I'd be useless and lost my independence forever more to do things on my own! But because I'm stubborn I gave in and bought pre-cut celery,tomatoes, determined to do as much as possible myself! Costs more but made me feel better! Cath, I can chop with less pain now! I don't know why it takes so long. But a year will make a difference, that is why they say 1-2 years,ok?

    Just to be totally honest,I guess I can share this with you and other spineys that understand... I was so discouraged and impatient last year when a friend offered to help me clean my kitchen cabinets and get everything I used from the low/top cabinets to where it was handy for me. Well, in my pain/frustration I had her get boxes and threw or give away everything I hadn't been able to use before/ after surgery that I thought I'd never be capable or want to use again, all my cupcake/cake pans,special baking things,holiday sutff! I thought I'd be lucky to get through basics forever. I regret that now because I can do more and will need to replace some things! Oh well, I'll get a few new things out of it! LOL!

    Rest tonight! Cronic pain is really a pain to deal with but we are strong survivers! Cath, you brought back the exact memories I have been trying to describe to my friends! Take care and tomorrow is a new day! No pity just undertanding!

    Kathy
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 10,045
    You know I understand what you are talking about. In many ways its sort of a 'curse' for people that have chronic spinal problems.

    In some ways it goes along with my "Roller Coaster Ride" examples.

    We can have some of the best laid plans, all psyched up to do them, and then without warning, our bodies decide to fail us. Then we have to sit back and for the time, accept that failure and wait until we get back to our "normal base" line.

    I do believe that dealing with this is one of the more difficult things we have to go through. Sure, pain hurts and it can really put us down. The physical pain is hard to handle. But the emotional pain we suffer from examples like this are so difficult.

    That is what makes the difference between someone living in chronic pain know how to handle life's
    stone throws.

    There have been countless times I've been through situations like you described. Its no fun, it takes so much out of you from a mental point of view.

    But it is very amazing to see how we can all recover from times like that. In some ways its like a building block. We experience those setbacks, and move on.

    None of it is easy, but stay ahead of the chronic pain beast we need to do it.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Sorry you had a rough day (late on anyways) yesterday but look at it this way - your half way to tonights dinner!!!!

    I had admitting that I have limitations - I rthought I might be able to work part time in London recently and madly enough I have just registered as a TV & Film Extra!!

    Both great ideas but not really going to happen!!

    Don't get me wrong I love my job but I hate being single with limited chances of finding the right person (i don't want a carer!! I want a partner!)and having unforfilled ambitions but it isn't going to happen in an instan.t All of these are things I am going to have to work towards if & when I am ready to do them!!!

    Lets hope you have a good day today - thats for all of us on here!!

    Ian
  • Hi Cath...
    Oh girl, how I relate! I'd had my last of 3 fusions last September...so by Christmas I just knew I could fix my families favorite Christmas Cookies...I thought I die before it was over. I love to cook...but, it became a disaster! I ended up having to sit at the kitchen table to mix them up and put them in the oven...I was only able to make one batch when I usually make enough for every family member to have some to take home. I was very upset and depressed and disgusted at my own weakness! Yet, it was still an accomplishment of sorts...I did get one batch made which is more than I could of done the Christmas before the surgery. I wouldn't of even bothered but the Christmas before my brother was so disappointed that I hadn't made the cookies...of course, he had no idea what was going on and I didn't want to bring the family down by my medical issues. Anyway, I want to say I think you did a great job...regardless of how you feel...you tried...and that is more than many of us even will do...many of us simply quit and we haven't! I am proud of you for keeping on keeping on! We will get there! I am sending you a gentle (((hug))) this morning and praying for you to have as painless a day as possible! :)
    Dusty
  • Cath,

    Thanks for your post, I almost started crying because I live this every day. I have three children, two who are mildly mentally retarted so my days are pretty bussy. Doc tells me this is it and need to come to grips that I have many limitations to what I can do. But Im very bull-headed and try to do things which in turn I accomplish nothing but laying on the couch with my heating pad crying in pain.My husband always says "when will you learn that you just cant do it". He's great, taking over the housework, kids and works 40 hrs a week.Never complains about anything except my stubborness. I just cant come to grips with this new life. Kids dont understand that you just cant keep up with them and it makes me feel guilty.I too want to hit something so hard till it feels as bad as I do.I get very tired of making plans and then breaking them because my body just wont allow me to do it.Thanks again for your post its nice to know Im not alone.
  • I HATE THAT!

    ARGH

    So know what you mean. I really do hate it. I started off the week thinking I was going to get caught up on a lot of things, and now not only is my spine giving me hell for who knows what, but I have some sort of tummy bug that my kids brought home.

    The best laid plans...
  • Dorset Boy, I have been doing that a lot lately- getting to the point of thinking I can do part-time work. Something inevitably happens to prove that it would just not be a good idea right now.

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