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Score Keeping

Kris-NYKKris-NY Posts: 2,207
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:44 AM in Matters of the Heart
This is a huge problem for me. Any time I try to tell my husband what I am feeling he comes right back with his complaints. If I say my neck hurts he tells me his shoulder still hurts from seven years ago. If I say my back hurts he tells me his whole body hurts.

This is a form of score keeping. I know it and my response is to not tell him anything. Problem is he never knows if I'm having a good day or bad day and I think he expects that I can do everything I did before the accident. It's also extremely frustrating because it leaves me with no one to talk to.

I'm wondering if this happens to anyone else? And how do you handle this?
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Comments

  • Yes my wife keeps score also. The thing that bugs me the most is the fact if i get up and get things done i'm extremely sore and tired. When i do sit down, she complains. Yesterday for example, i over did it big time. I was up and moving for 12 hours without much rest. This morning i she wanted to go to the lake with family but i could not get up and moving. Told her to go and enjoy herself but she was pissed.She never seems to remember that i still go to work 5 days a week and keep up with alot of the HONEY DOs. She expects me to be the same i was 2 years ago and my body is telling me to slow down.
  • If he really is in as much pain as he claims to be make him a surprise doctor appt. once he cancels it just remind him that you just had surgery and will be having more in the future and would be glad to trade places with him at anytime he wants. If that doesn't work buy a scoreboard and keep it next to the TV;P

    As for someone to talk to you always have us:)
  • my husband says What else is new? Totally not understanding....I wonder if it's a way he's trying to relate to you? Just a guess. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Generally I think it is just a male "get over it" reaction. But I think there is also a jealousy. Men in particular like attention to be on them. So sharing the spotlight is a problem.

    In my situation I think there is also a factor that comes from his parents. His father was 100% German and expected alot from everyone. He worked hard and expected the same from everyone including his wife. She also worked hard in the home but never held a job. There was always an inequality there. I don't think my husband can accept me being unable to do my share.

    Don't get me wrong he does care. And he will do what I ask but it is never volunteered. I'm really interested in what other have experienced.
  • I am fortunate there doesn't seem to be any score keeping. At least on my husband's part. I try not to complain. I get sick of hearing myself. My husband will complain for me though. He can often be heard saying, "why are you doing that? I can see it in your face or the way you are moving you are in pain." or he will say, "I'll do it. You have no business doing that and you'll just pay the price later and that's not going to do us any good."

    If anyone does any score keeping it's me. I find myself keeping track of all the things he is now forced to do after working all day that I used to get done or should be doing since I am now not working and somehow want to even the score for him and can't. Notice I said "forced" to do. That's me talking not him. He doesn't feel that way but I sure do.

    I feel guilty about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hate it and I find myself silently keeping score. I am so behind it's not even a fun game anymore. I see him holding his arm, trying to work the kinks out of his shoulder, limping and just going on quietly never complaining about the pain or the added burdens MY CONDITION HAS PLACED ON HIM and it breaks my heart.

    We have always had a pretty equal relationship as far as working around the house. Admittedly I don't do windows so he did along with the heavy cleaning ie. carpet scrubbing and yards leaving the rest to me but if he needed some laundry done and I hadn't gotten to it he wasn't to good to wash a load or two of clothes or clean the kitchen. He even did his turn as Mr. Mom for several years. Now, he get's stuck with a whole lot more including the errands, shopping, and runniung me to doctors etc.

    Oh, I know this wasn't the kind of keeping score experience you were talking about but it's my experience with it so far.

    Good Luck!
  • Frog, Kris,

    My hubby is a lot like Frog's in that I will get frustrated on something not being done, start to do it and the hubby stops me. Pretty much the same is echoed at me "Sure do that, and you will pay for it later, you know it!" Or he will come home, take one look at me and start with..."Okay I can see you are not doing too great, what did you do?" Darn mind reader he is!

    So like you Frog, I think I am the score keeper here. :(

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • My family experience is, when men are *really* ill, they can become big babies. However, my husband is never anything but giving, sometimes to much (to my way of thinking). I can't work now, and he does every day with a long commute and time spent standing and standing and standing in an operating room, in between bouts of heavy lifting required by some surgical procedures. He has a long commute both ways too, which makes me feel like a schlub when he drags himself home and I feel like I should have done something/anything (some days I just can't) to make the place at least presentable. (These are all my words, not his.)

    If ever a man went out of his way to take care of someone, my husband does for me. I spent most of my adult life alone, doing for myself, taking myself to the hospital, etc. etc., so it's hard sometimes for me to accept. But I'd be there in a flash for him, and he knows that and says so all the time.

    I'm sorry about your hubby situation, Kris -- but I think you should simply sit him down, say very calmly you need to tell him how you're feeling, and then say it. Use "When you do/I feel" statements, not "you drive me crazy!" and you'll probably get your message across better. Women like to share experiences, men seem to prefer to fix things. Maybe he's feeling he's a failure at offering you fixes for your situation and is just letting you know he doesn't know what else to offer.

    Just some thoughts. :)
  • and my husband grimace! He is the one with stenosis so I am picking up the slack until he is 'fixed'. And he hates it! He is the man! He is the one who should be doing the yardwork and the fixing jobs. And he would almost rather than I did not do anything either so he does not feel guilty. So I kind of sneak out now and then. I don't mind doing it- I would rather do it than see him in pain. I think he understands this in his mind but not in his heart as he was always the go-to guy for the whole family if something needed doing. I am really, really dreading the post-op period when he can do nothing.
  • Beaver,
    I imagine you are dreading his post op because you know how awful he will feel really having to rely on you and having to watch him in pain.

    It is good, no great, that you are there for him and can read these things and see his perspective from others point of view. Hmmm...Did that make sense?

    Tell your husband that I truly know how he feels. It is so hard to sit back and give up that control.

    Good Luck to you both! I guess he could always make sure you have a cold drink handy when you are finished with the lawn! (Of course if he's anything like my husband you can't possibly know how to cut it like he does.) LOL!

  • I agree with babybubbles

    If you hold all this in it is just going to make both of you more miserable. You really should sit down and have a heart to heart talk. He may not really realize what he is saying is having a negative impact on your relationship. Honesty sometimes is hard but it's the only way to go.

    I personally feel very guilty for all the crap I can't do around the house. Inormally take great pride in the role of stay at home mom. My husband is very patient with me because he knows this is not how I would choose to feel. Once in awhile he might say something that he doesn't really mean. I've learned to point it out so I don't hold on to it.

    The biggest issue I have is I tend to take my frustration out on him. If I'm in a lot of pain I tend to lash out and unfortunately he's been the target. I'm really trying work on communicating how I'm feeling to him. If I'm having a particually crappy day it helps him to know that.

    This is definately an adventure I wouldn't have counted on but I'm just trying to make the best of it!!
  • I feel bad because so many of you think this is a huge issue for me. It really isn't. For the most part I keep things to myself and being able to vent here is more helpful because you guys can suggest things that would help where my husband has never had back problems so he has no idea what to do.

    I think that frustration is part of his issue. I am generally the one who gets the medical stuff taken care of and I know he feels helpless not being able to help me. I mentioned today that my neck was spasming and without directly responding he did offer to do something that will save me a few hours in the car this weekend. So I just have to learn to read between the lines a little more.

    So thank you all for your concern. When I started this post I expected to hear from the women mostly saying that their husbands didn't understand. I'm happily surprised to find so many of you have husbands who are actively helping in your care. Give those hubbys a kiss.
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