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We all have demons!

dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Spine-Health Announcements
I think anyone here understand my subject line.

My biggest demon is my dreams. So many times when I have slept, I envision all sorts of problems, surgical procedures messed up, etc

I think its easier to talk about the things that help us, but it is much harder to talk about those dark things

I would love to be able to chase away all of the demons that try to wear me down. This is something I focus on alot

But as powerful demons may be, I know that we all have the strength to beat them.

The important thing is we do not allow those demons to control us or keeping them in the dark so that they can strike at us when they want to

Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com


  • I have odd dreams at times, but dreams such as yours I've only had nearing surgery. My dreams though... I get the ones where I am in a chair, or the opposite, I am back to being 13 and doing gymnastics for 8 hours a day..only to wake and know, yeah right!

    I use to have this weird dream, I would dive into the water (life is good), swim around under the water with my eyes open... Then I try to come up, but can't! Now I didn't struggle or drown mind you, I could see the Boston (was born up there) skyline, but just couldn't surface. Right about where I would figure I was out of breath, it faded to nothing or another dream.. Never did figure that out. That dream started 40 years ago, yet I still get it once in a while!!!

    Demon... My little pissy mood guy that sits on my shoulder once in a while. He is mean, has horns and a tail, and doesn't listen to me! He makes me snap or lash out, I hate him, can't control or stifle him! I also can't always tell when he is going to land his hot little red feet on my shoulder! Sneaky little sucker!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I sleep so lightly, that I have not dreamed in decades.

  • My demons are usually during the waking hours. Sleep often eludes me, so do dreams.

    Typically I like to think I am a positive thinker. But, that's not as easy as it sounds.
    With "adult" children, and that term, adult is used quite loosely, I do worry.

    Financially things are not that rosey.

    Try as hard as you may, worries arise and the worse case scenarios come to mind if you are not careful.

    What if they are out drinking and driving, what if my daughter...what if....then there's that time you hear all those stinkin sirens and no one is home and your husband is late getting in from work...

    What if they stop my LTD payments...

    You get the picture!

    Get back on track, call the ANGELS back in to gaurd myself and my loved ones and for goodness sake quit watching so much stinking news!

    Yeah, my demons are when I allow negative thoughts in.
  • I'm not a sleeper, never have been. At most, I sleep between 1 and 2 hours at a time, it's almost like vacation time if I manage 3.

    My demons tend to come out when I'm way overtired and logic sneaks out the back door. I worry that I won't be able to continue working, that I'll lose the house... and then what? My mom is bedbound and lives with me, my brother, his wife and my nephew live with mme... what would happen to my mom if I couldn't work?? What happens if they privatize SS right before I can collect and I lose it before I get it? What if the(FITB with a nasty word) guy that got elected locally manages to screw up our pensions as he's trying to do, and I lose that too?

    Not as often, but enough to get me angry... I worry not about what will happen, but what will happen to me if I can't work and keep us in the house? Will I be able to find a place that would work for my mom and I? Will I be able to find/afford someone to help? Will they just all walk away (so to speak) and I'll end up in a home somewhere... whee

    When THOSE thoughts hit, it's duck and cover time... logically, I know its just because I'm so tired I can't think anymore... but emotionally, I'm red hot and on fire... and I HAVE to take myself out of the room or area to avoid saying something awful (something I want to avoid and don't always manage to do).

    I worry about the times when I can't drive to work without taking meds...and I won't take meds and drive....so usually I end up not taking them, going in and having it take hours to get my pain under control.... those are also the days when I seem to get a lot of "come over and explain this to us" calls... they know I walk like the dead at the best of times... but it's easier to make me walk halfway around the building than it is to understand something on a screen... and, the pay makes the mortgage possible... and mom at home possible... and family mostly comfortable... and, off I go. I have had nights where I've sat in the car outside the house for an hour or more because I just can't move another step without falling down. those are probably days I should have taken a sick day for... but this year there has been a lot of mom stuff... hospital, surgery, md appts... and I've had 2 different bosses during a massive reorganization at work... and well, I get to telecommute 2 days a week... which is probably the only thing that allows me to keep working at this point, and I worry if I take off, they'll yank my telecommuting time.

    I worry that I "talk" too/so much here when I'm worried and not enough when I'm supposed to. I worry that my doctor thinks that when I compared the knee shots 3 weeks ago to walking/hopping to my car with a broken leg AND having it set while I was awake and yelling... and he thought I was being funny.... he says, I never seem to feel these things... and I'm like !!!! (he did not realise how at risk his man parts were last week... sitting between my legs on a rolly chair sticking needles in my knees ;p)

    my demons are.. my own and I hate them and yet, I couldn't live without them-they have saved me...and my sanity too when I've refused to give in to them. They are what allowed me to take over care of my family when my dad died....(too MAD and proud to let anyone tell me no.... too afraid to let them know how scared I was).
    Those demons helped me to get away and walk home with a broken rib and fractured vertebrae after being attacked coming out of work one night.

    They make me want to give up/give in, and make me refuse to do so. They make me cry at 3 am, and hide the tears when my nephew asks me why I hurt so much.

    sorry :(
  • Some would say Bravery is not letting others know you truely are afraid.

    Maybe that's true. We all face demons. Some of those demons give us strength, some hold us back.

    When they hold us back I believe we must seek help-wise counsel. That too shows Bravery!

    Either way, I believe we must, at some point in our life, truly decide when those demons are consuming us, or driving us forward.

    Each of us as individuals must decide in our timing.
  • Rather than delete what I wrote last night, I decided add on a note because sometimes, when I do get those 3 hours... when I'm awake but drowsing on a Sunday morning and my sister in law takes care of our mom stuff to let me "sleep" in... when my nephew comes to tell me how much his nana and he are enjoying the cookbook he picked out... and how they've chosen recipes that I won't have to stand too much and that he wants to help so he can learn to cook...

    when I wake up and one of the cats has managed to curl up under my hand while I was sleeping

    when I realise how lucky we were to find a house where we can all live without getting too much under each others feet... where my mom can live with us, have her one and only grandson close, where my nephew gets to be with his nana... my mom has us to help her... and even though we came so close to losing her so many times over the past 2 years and yet, her will to live (and maybe... our refusing to let her go) how awesome it is to have her here.

    When all of those things come together, I realise that yes, I have demons, everyone does.I wouldn't wish mine on anyone, and I am in awe of some folks ability to deal with theirs.

    I realise that even with the bad, the worry... the fear that feels real even when it's not...
    Life is good. *

    *and I still talk way too much here :$
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    Some of my demons can be my worst enemy and at another time, be my best friend.

    I only hope to keep all that in line when the time is right..
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • oooooh boy I can relate to those nasty things.... I have many demons, the reasons why I have ptsd... and then the CP on top of it all.

    The past week has been especially hard for some reason, maybe because I'm facing going back to work, and although I get to hand pick my job, I still feel incredibly anxious. Afraid I won't be able to work full time, I couldn't before, which is why I went on sick leave, so am afraid of the answer to that question. I'm getting tired of waiting for my medical release from the military to go through, it's been a 2 year process so far, and still have months, maybe even another year ahead to wait. The fear of what I will or will not be able to do after my release for employment, that we are moving across the country from all of my family (but will be back with my hubby's family).

    I only sleep a couple of hours at a time as well, but am haunted by dreams and wake up drenched and hurting more than usual from being so tense. My hubby said the other night he was afraid I was going to break my teeth I was grinding them so hard (wasn't wearing my night guard), and then the next night I actually punched him in my sleep, not sure which demon I was fighting that night! This impending sense of doom I've been having, but that is a sidebar of ptsd, that over-catastrophizing. Someone else mentioned that earlier, and I have no doubt in my mind that cp sufferers also suffer from ptsd, or something like it. It all is very traumatizing.

    As hard as I do try to keep these demons at bay, it is hard to not keep them from creeping up on me. The best I can do is to keep being involved with my support group, to try to keep up with my psychologist appointments (which is hard in itself, as I haven't really found one that I really click with, and if I do make an appointment when I need it, by the time I get in, the "crisis" is over...) To focus on the positive things, however small or insignificant they may be to someone else, to continue with relaxation exercises, be it mental or physical, like deep breathing and the few yoga stretches I can do. To focus on light and peacefulness. I won't let the demons take control.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
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