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This man is driving me insane!

beaverbbeaver Posts: 189
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Recovering from Surgery
It has been three months and a bit since his fusion. In that interval he has had a bladder infection and surgery for a very large kidney stone. And now they want to do a biopsy just to make sure that all is well with his prostate. So one would think that he would want to take it easy? Well no...we live in a rural area and heat mostly with wood. This year we had it delivered cut and split but it has to be moved to the basement and piled. I started doing that today but I can't do it the way we used to as I am no spring chicken either. And it is driving him crazy that I am doing it! AND that it will take me three weeks at the pace I am doing it. That is ok with me but he is very frustrated as we always went at it and had it done in a few days. I just want him to back away from the wood and let me do it my way. Any wise words of advice before I hit him over the head with a large block- don't worry I will not touch the fusion!


  • I am always getting told off by my husband for doing things myself and I am nearly 12 months post op now! I have to say that at 3 months post op there was no way I could have shifted wood. Look on the bright side - at least he is feeling up to it ;) !
    Seriously though it is hard to have to watch your other half do "your" jobs. Especially when they don't do it how you would! From all your posts you have done a sterling job looking after him so far. How about "trading" some of "your" jobs like, I don't know, do you do the cooking? for you doing the wood. Or could you send him shopping/ cinema/ out with friends? Or could you find someone to help you out with the wood?
    Good luck and keep up the hhard work!
  • No words of wisdom being I'm on the other side of the aisle. My wife just lets me be an idiot and gets to say I told you so later. Besides, she's no worse than me and I'll bet your the same. Maybe hire some high school kid to do the task and let your husband supervise.

  • That's too bad your husband can't accept letting you take the time stacking wood. Does he have a sibling/friend that could approach him on easing it up on his lifting and doing too much? could he do some of your chores like peel potatoes, wipe counters etc.? Good luck and hope he doesn't strain himself. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I have two suggestions. First is there a teenage boy in the area who you could pay to help you? If that isn't possible I would just use a small piece of wood since you don't want to hurt him too much :)
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842
    Just how many of those could I have avoided by being smart! After each surgery when I started to feel better, I started to do more and more. Sure, I felt ok, so why not! Wrong!

    My first surgery was in 1978 and it has only been in the past 5 years have I paid more attention to the things I can and can not do.

    I've always pushed myself, and I know some of those actions resulted in herniated discs.

    The thing was, I didnt have to do all of that. When our kids lived with us, they would help out so much, so that their dad didnt have to do the heavy work. My wife , after working full days, would come home and do the heavy physical work that I couldnt do.

    Part of me just felt guilty or perhaps it was my pride. What I didnt realized as much, was then when I did something to hurt myself, it wasnt just hurting me. I basically sentenced my loved ones to more work while I recovered.

    Today, my kids on our their own, but they still come home to help with some heavy chores. My wife, still working full time, still comes home and does the heavy stuff. At times, we hire others to do some of the work. That is difficult, because in the area where we live, it just seems like teenagers don't want to do that type of work. But we do have to find others.

    And as the years go by, I know I will be able to do less and less. And I hope that my wife stops doing as much work. I am retired now, hopefully, my wife can retire in about 2 years. From then on, we will have to find others to do that type of work.

    Its harder to do the heavy work, but I think its harder not to. We all have to make the right decision.

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Ron you are right. As we get older, whether or not we have spine or other issues, we do need to let go and let others help. But why is it so hard to do? Is it pride or fear or guilt?

    For several years now my mother who is 79 has been begging my father to stop doing the yard work. They live in Arizona so it isn't weekly work. But the bushes and trees grow so fast that it is a project to trim them back. Finally last weekend she hired a team of landscapers who came to the door (out there they just go door to door looking for work). Three men spent all day and into the evening cutting, pruning and bagging. All for about $250. What a bargain!! My father is grumbling a bit but I think secretly he is relieved.

    Why did it take so long? For him it was a combination of pride, since he always did the yard work and no one could do it as well as he did, and fear, at 78 he has had many medical problems and was recently diagnosed with early dementia.

    We want to be young forever. When we focus on what we can't do it scares us. I'm trying very hard to find ways to do things without the pain. Every time I do it's a victory. But the times I have to admit I can't do something really hurts and scares me.
  • This is something near and dear to my heart! I think that Kris touched on it briefly and that is the fear. It drives me constantly to do things that many folks say I shouldn't. At 48, I feel that I am barely 1/2 way through my life. The more I fear that I will lose the ability to do, the more I try to do. There are times that I pay for it in misery escalated, but it is always tempered with the feeling of success. It allows me to feel as if I am still "alive" and have much to look forward to. It seems the more injuries I suffer, the greater the drive to overcome any limitations.

  • I think there is another ingredient not mentioned here. Independence!!! Be it activities, chores, driving etc., when we can't do things that we've done for years, we start losing bits and pieces of independence. Just my thoughts there.. And as for 'hard labor type work', men might take more of a metal "loss"/"independence" hit. :?

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    I didn't know I had another brother! Get a 2x4 or go crazy. Your choice. =))
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!

  • I think that when we lose the ability to do the things we are used to doing (whatever they are) we lose our sense of worth. That is very hard to accept, so we fight against it.

    I know that for me, I often do things that cause me some pain, because I want to get back to my pre-surgery activities. I feel that I am now 6 months into my recovery and that should be enough time!! I know I am probably being a bit hard on myself, but I don't want to be in the position of not being able to contribute to the family life. I know that some people have to accept that, but I am fighting it all the way.

    I am getting back into my job in a school and the small successes that I am having, are making me feel useful again, which feels great! It has really perked me up to think that I am moving forward again in my recovery, after a couple of months of feeling like I was slipping backwards again.

    I have now found a friend with finance problems, to help me with the garden and housework. It benefits both of us, and we have lunch together and catch up too!! :D I do the things that I can manage, but the things that flare up my pain, I am asking her to do for me.

  • Jelly it's all about finding solutions. That is so great that you found help while helping someone else. It's not about what you can't do ... it's about finding a way to get it done.

    Beaver don't use the 2x4...a piece of split wood could be considered an accident..."officer it just slipped out of my hand" :))(
  • And a good laugh will hold off the insanity a while longer I hope. I think that, were I in the same place as him, I would want to do everything possible to make sure I did no further damage. But, reading your views,I can see that this is a major issue in that he has lost control, lost independence, lost his feeling of contributing financially etc. Now maybe this would happen to me if I was the one with stenosis but I don't think so- I am just wired differently and I look waaaaay down the road and try to avoid anything bad coming my way.
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