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My emotions...

SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:51 AM in Depression and Coping
...are a mess.
I think I should be further along with understanding and accepting my life.
This site has been great and I have moments of feeling I have a handle on things...then I don't.
My head understands...but my eyes keep crying. I'm so tired. I see a doc and therapist. Everything I've learned to cope starts to feel like a waste of time and money.
So many people have situations worse than mine...
I'm just so tired of all of it.
When I think of being 55 and probably having another 20 years of this...I don't know how I will do it.
One day at a time has whole new meaning to me. But some days are just so long.
This site has been filling such a void. This gives me a feeling of being connected with you guys sharing compassion and wisdom.. this constant up and down with my emotions..I feel like I let people down. And now I add you guys to the list and feel I'm letting everyone down.
Like..."Here we go again. How many times do we have to encourage her. How many times do we have to say the same thing?"
I don't even know what to ask for. I'm stuck.
Spine-Health Moderator
Please read my medical history at: Medical History



  • Hi Savage. I think you're just looking for some understanding from others that know what you're going through. So many of us are or have been where you are and do understand the rollercoaster of emotions that spine problems bring.

    I doubt there's any one thing anyone can say to make you feel ok with everything, but perhaps the culmination of a bunch of us letting you know we understand will help. It's a frustrating situation, not knowing the future, dealing with pain every day, feeling alone - but please don't think that you're letting any of US down. We know what it feels like and that's why we have this forum. If we didn't want to hear how others feel, we'd remove the "Depression" and "Matters of the Heart" sections.

    So vent away. We'll be here to help you in any way we can, which unfortunately sometimes isn't much. And there's never a need to mention that there are others that are worse off than you - your pain and suffering are very real and personal and shouldn't be compared to anyone else's.

    My only suggestion is getting in a very hot shower and bawling your eyes out. Get all that crying out until you can't cry any more - it can be very cathartic and make you feel like you've emptied out a lot of emotions. At least that works for me when I can't control the crying.

    Take care of yourself and I applaud you reaching out to others here - that's what this forum is all about.

  • The prospect of looking forward for a period of 20 years or so, will intimidate the best of us. The thing I found years ago was to use the AA adage of just living for one day at a time, making today the best we can and living it as best we can.

    This does not mean that I do not have negative days, I do like everyone, but I know that there is an ebb and flow to life and it is the recognition of that, that peace comes. Its like watching the waves on the ocean, they are coming and going, but every 7 or 10 waves there is one that flows over everything.

    Do take care

  • I've been feeling that way as well since the pain got really bad. I'm a bit of a Type A workaholic, so normnally, I'm always in rush rush mode & time goes by too quickly.

    Lately, it feels like it drags & I'm counting down the hours till I can go lie face down on my bed & get the pressure off of my spine.

    I still work hard, I'm forcing myself to stay focused at my desk until every last bit is done--my tailbone has been getting numb & the pain from my low back shoots into my hips. My neck hurts & the pain travels into my arms & wrists. But I get every last friggin piece of work done because I must.
  • I read your post first thing when I woke up - and thought, Dear God - that's just how I feel. Last night I was thinking how many years of my life have been taken off by this back thing. I hurt my back almost 4 years ago, when I was 46. My life was my work. Now it feels like everything I "had" has slipped through my fingers.

    I wrote on another post somewhere - I just don't know where those 4 years have gone. And I look at the next - 30 years? - will I always be this worthless? Will I have nothing but unending pain and medication? I spend hours watching TV - and so much of the time I'm looking at someone doing something - and it's - "Oh that looks great (fun, etc.) - I can't do that - I can never do that."

    Whenever I feel this way, I remind myself of my responsibilities. Look after myself; take care of my husband. My husband is chronically ill also - with kidney disease. I almost lost him last year. This really helps me to take one day at a time. I am grateful for each pain filled day; and I must continue to be a good wife because - that's my job, and he is always a wonderful husband to me. Things like this I guess "help" with the one day mantra - something can happen at any time with my husband - so I've had to accept that maybe all we have is today.

    But this is true, not just for the disabled and the unwell - it is true for all of us. The future is so uncertain.

    Take account of your blessings; know that whoever loves you - whoever knows you - you make a difference in their lives. So we have to keep trying, and have to keep going.

    I think Centurion45 above talked about the waves - this feeling/this "phase" - soon, it too will pass.

    I also enjoy a good cry - so Cath's suggestion sounds pretty good to me. After you have that long crying jag shower, get into your "comfies" (whatever that is for you) - watch a good movie, read a good book, try to answer some Spine-Health forum questions - maybe those who are new and are panicking - or make some calls to those you love. Order in your favorite food. Spoil yourself. YOU DESERVE IT! We spend so much time alone, I know I can get focused on myself. Doing things and talking to others - that helps me get my mind off myself. And I do spend all together too much time here at Spine-Health - it's embarrassing. My posts are too long. But who cares. I'm searching too for new purpose and meaning in my life.

    I can't help you Savage - only to say - I know how you feel. Hang in there. Keep venting when you need to. Hope your wave comes in soon.
  • Sometimes we need encouragement daily until we finally feel strong enough. Don't worry about letting us down you have to be there for you. I know I get down if I don't come here almost daily and see what's going on and relate to other's posts it's almost like looking in the mirror on how I'm feeling at times also. Keep at it one day at a time do what you need to do daily. Take a small walk, clean one closet but if you can't do it today do it tomorrow and today just come here and post because people want to hear from you. One day the pain may be less and each day will find you stronger. You will get through this. We're here to support you. Be gentle with yourself. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • My back problems started in my mid 40s I'm 53 now. I thought I'd be golfing at 60 and having the time of my life! I did have surgery at 49, it was good. Amost completely pain free for a year. Thought Iwas going to be able to go back to work! Then my left hip started hurting. So back to the Doc and PT. Was reminded that the spot above and below my my surgery could go bad. L4 was bad but not bad enough to fix when I had surgery on L5 and S1.

    MY job was my life. I lived to work. Iloved my job.
    Amost 30 yrs of nursing.

    Still have bouts of depression! Still trying to figure out the what and hows of my life. I have arthritis and spurs From my neck down to my butt and worn-out faset joints(there goes my spelling) and I'm not even 55 yet!!
    So Iknow exactly what your talking about.

    GO ahead and cry, cry your little eyes out, cry till you can't cry any more. it's OK!!to cry.

    Sometimes after a good cry I can finely go to sleep. >:D< warm hugs to you!

  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    Thanks everyone!
    Still crying but it so helps for any kind of connection. Thanks so much!
    Part of my thing is so alone..but now seems easier that way.
    Divorced..long time now..grown sons don't need anything..except money. They barely see me or call or anything..even after my stroke 2 mos ago. I asked for them to call..nothing..or it's like, "You look great. You're fine..not dead yet."
    I don't even know my kids anymore...and they certainly don't have or take time for me. Even asking..they are too busy. They seem so selfish and act so entitled.. I barely like them some days.
    If this was terminal it would be easier.
    Now even with friends...everyone moves so fast.. active. I just want to get out of everyone's way.
    Being home alone feels most comfortable and I don't risk rejection that way.
    All the reasons for going on don't seem to apply to me. Think I'll call my therpapist tomarrow.
    Thanks you guys for being there.

    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Hi everyone.
    I read your postings and thought truly I am not alone. Yes the days, minutes, hours, seconds and even years of pain is no fun. But if ok with you all, I would like to say that if I can reach here then you can too and I believe you can.
    I was born with a congenital dislocated hip and spinal problems since birth. Four major surgeries and I am still chronic hip and spine pain. My back is in a bad way and now I have a herniated disc - age-35. I refuse as much as I can to give in.
    Yes I do cry my eyes out at times, especially with pending surgery - I am scared. However, I am a fighter and I just want you guys to know you too are all fighters.
  • Savage,
    You are doing well coping with all this imposed change, it may be better to be crying and letting it out than anger or more frustration. As you say, strokes are all about how you look to them and not what is going on inside, it is important not to isolate yourself and you see the need for some additional support and encouragement at this time, so the therapist idea is a good one.

    Adapting to that imposed slower pace while everyone and everything seems quicker is difficult, you should not feel guilty for things you do not know and where you expect to have progressed, looking back your load has been heavy and we all learn something new every day. Smaller steps have brought me unexpected success, it does now take us longer.

    Change what you can and adapt the rest, match what you can do with realistic objectives, be kind to yourself.

    Take care and get the help you need, the next phase awaits.

  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    ...to everyone. Words and advice well said.
    The crying has stopped for now..now that I'm back home. Will be seeing EVERYONE again today. So looking forward to it and same time very aware of what my body is doing.
    You guys and some close friends, helped me have better perspective.
    I see therapist on Thursday...since not emergency I needed to wait.
    And the slowing down..and unexpected successes... nicely put and...thanks!
    Looking forward to the next phase!
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

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