I'm not sure when my struggle with pain became a struggle with self-loathing, but it's there.
It's an odd change, and I'm finding it quite disturbing. Anger really isn't the word I would use to describe it. I am disappointed that my body has failed me and I am disappointed that I can't move and function like my brain wants to (or thinks it should still be able to). And it's turned into a strong sense of self-loathing. Even trying to keep it at bay, it seems that my head always comes back to this: I hate my body now. I didn't hate it before; I was just "in pain" before.
Funny, but now the pain is secondary. I'm 17 months post-surgery and have figured out that this is what I'm going to deal with. OK. Fine. But this weird and very complete hate of my body feels like it's on a totally different plane. It's almost like my brain and body are separate entities.
How do you conquer the disappointment in your body failing you? Or is this also going to take me a year and a half to "figure out"?