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now featuring: self-loathing

yellowyyellow Posts: 7
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:54 AM in Matters of the Heart
I'm not sure when my struggle with pain became a struggle with self-loathing, but it's there.

It's an odd change, and I'm finding it quite disturbing. Anger really isn't the word I would use to describe it. I am disappointed that my body has failed me and I am disappointed that I can't move and function like my brain wants to (or thinks it should still be able to). And it's turned into a strong sense of self-loathing. Even trying to keep it at bay, it seems that my head always comes back to this: I hate my body now. I didn't hate it before; I was just "in pain" before.

Funny, but now the pain is secondary. I'm 17 months post-surgery and have figured out that this is what I'm going to deal with. OK. Fine. But this weird and very complete hate of my body feels like it's on a totally different plane. It's almost like my brain and body are separate entities.

How do you conquer the disappointment in your body failing you? Or is this also going to take me a year and a half to "figure out"?


  • I most certainly know how you feel. I think it is even harder on holiday weekends when you know everyone is out doing fun things that you can't do. I like to say loosing part of your body and functioning is a process no different than when you morn the loss of someone. Look up the stages of grief and I think you will find how you fit in that model. Those of us dealing better with chronic pain, do so as we been at a longer time. One thing that is important is I have found alternate things to do when other around me do things I can't. It is not something that happened overnight and for most they won't come to acceptance overnight.

    Look around where you live and see if there is a chronic pain support group you can participate in? I think it is important to fill our tool boxes with not only options to address the pain, but also our mental aspect of life. I can tell you everyone here has gone through some grief once they realize life is not like it used to be. Also keep in mind as you age many of your friends and family will slow down on some things as well. What is important is you maintain what strength you can and find alternative things to do. I know it is difficult to do, but there are things in life you can do, that will make your life just as productive as the next person. For example I love to garden. A family friend was in the Tornado area, and is just getting it all together from the Tornado's. She always had a bueatiful yard. So I offered to do her planter boxes and pots. so they brought them to me and I made them up giving me a part in the project. I couldn't do the hard stuff of working and cleaning up, but i got to do something that helped in the long run.

    My point is it takes a long time to get to the point of acceptance, hopefully yours come sooner than latter, but we all do all understand.
  • I read your post and there is so much that I want to say...the hard part is figuring out how to do it without taking up 50 posts!!! Sweetie , you are going to be alright , I know this because I have felt what you are feeling and there are times that I still feel it!!! Dang my body , dang my brain...(I would use bad words but that wouldn't help , lol)

    You see , we go into these surgeries thinking that we will come out perfect but it doesn't work that way and then the let down crushes us...sometimes extremely hard!! We are human , you are human...something was broke and they tried to fix it as best they could. You may need to talk to your doc more about this or seek out a second opinion but the one thing that you do not need to do is hate yourself or your body!!!

    Sweetie , you are not alone , we are here and we will be here...always!!! If I can help you in any way then let me know...believe me when I say I know how you feel...there have been times that I hated my own body so much that I wanted and tried to destroy it but at the end of the day...this is all we have and we have to make it work and we have to find the strength to make it work....and being here , with these wonderful people on this site is a great way to get back on the road to not hating yourself , no excuse me , not hating your body so much!!!

    Just remember , you are not alone!!! We are all here !!!! PM me if you would like to talk more!!! Take care!!!
  • Hang in there, this will pass, and you will be stronger on the other side! the loss of being able to... is something not everyone has to face, and it can be extemely taxing on your self esteem and sence of self worth.

    Remember this
    you have a value far above and beyond any material worth. You are still a viable and worthy person, look yourself in the soul and you will know this is true.
    Your body is mearly a vessle to carry what is the essential"you" around

    It has left you in a lurch no? you had plans for yourself and now maybe they are toast?

    dont hate what you perceive to have become, for some, the perception is of being a burden to others.

    keep that chin up, there is life after infirmity, its a hard fought battle and well worth the effort!

    keep us in the loop, dont be afraid of frustration, anger or fear, its a part of the journey they dont tell you about, and many here have been, or are in a similar circumstance, your not alone,
    lean on us for a while, its ok!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • I too have been upset my body doesn't function as well as it used to being disabled and not being able to work can sure affect one who has pain caused by spinal issues. Are you seeing a Pain Management Dr. now? Maybe there's a Pain Counselor or group you could attend to help. Vent here any time and hope we can help support you through this. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
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