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I have my outs... But first a job to do

srtaylssrtayl Posts: 146
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:55 AM in Depression and Coping
My depression existed for a long time prior to surgeries and losing just about everything I had. The only thing that saved me over the past 2 years is the fact my family never left, never wavered, and finally came around to full understanding. They are just about the only thing that remained.

I can attest the yes, you can overcome, or at least work with, depression without medication. I did it for 18 years as a Government contractor. You see, you cannot have mental or overbearing physical issues and hold really high security clearances. So, i never had any problems.... ever.

When I succumbed to the pain and began taking the medications designed to help me, at that moment the first block of my career and life had been knocked out. From that point forward, the next 4 years, the wall came tumbling down and 15 solid years of my career and life fell apart. I was relieved, for the first time in my life, from my position. My security clearance was suspended. I moved 3000 miles away to another Government facility which allowed a lesser clearance and wanted my talents. A year later, I moved 2000 miles again and this is where I am. They were the second to fire me.... one week after I had my neck fused at 3 levels.

All through that time I had surgeries, procedures, medications, and on and on and on. My surgeries have left me with many neurological residuals and they are treated with narcotics, relaxers, and on and on and on. I am a huddled mess; an echo of the man I was just a couple years ago.

Today, I sit here with 20 years of repressed emotions, suffering from all the lies in order to fly under the radar, reeling from the affects of the surgeries, career, and financial chaos. I observe my uselessness every day and then take a pill to set it aside for a few hours or so. I'm done crying and I am done trying... for the most part, for you see, I still have one job to do.

My family saved me when it all fell apart and for that reason, I will not fail them. I will foster my kids through their youth trying to impart the positive, good, and forward looking ideologies I used to have. These are the most difficult tasks I have as I no longer believe much of any of it.

For right now, I have packed my bags... ready to go. I have planned to the most trivial of detail how and where the boat leaves the dock. My life has but one task left and i will do that. My type-A personality will not allow me to set that one aside.

There is a glimmer of hope however. I have a few more years to at least meet my last long-term goal... Maybe something will change between now and then that will allow me to overcome myself both physically and mentally.

I suppose I have vetted-out my allotment of pity time, so off to do my job.


  • well said, I do hope for all of us to find relief from our disorders.
  • I recently lost my mother to cancer..... it was a hard, miserable, awful time for her and us....but she never gave up. She was the best, strongest person I ever met and I will miss her every day left to me.

    I am sorry you've had such a hard row....but I have to say if you were my dad and did what you alude to, I could and never would forgive you or forget.

    Sorry if that angers you and I really do hope you find something that keeps you in the game.
  • From one disabled vet to another, hang on to whatever you have to, to make it through. No matter how old your kids get, as Clandy said, they might not forgive or forget. They were there for you, so you must be there for them, until nature says otherwise. Anything else would not be fair to those that love you. There are many others who suffer worse than us, but hang on to fight the fight.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Your comments are fair and I appreciate that. It's been a rough couple of years and the past few months have just taken a toll. I can write this right now because I just awoke after a few hours of sleep and feel good. As the day wears on, that changes normally and that is a major factor that brings me down.

    I have a few years to get back into my right mind. I guess that was kind of, and from a really strange direction, what I was saying.

    Thanks for the words and observations.
  • I thnk we can all speak from that place at times... especially after a day or night or weeks of unending pain. I know there are people here that suffer from much worse than I have.... and they keep on, keeping on. Some with a shiny heart, others... a bit more scowly, but they do keep going.

    Down the road, hopefully there are fixes or at least, bandaids that will help those that are in so much pain. I have to believe that because anything else is unthinkable.

    I know where you wrote from, and sometimes it can seem like a way to deal... or not deal with it. But there is almost always someone that will be left behind thinking, if only they had _____ .

    Find something to hold on to, for those especially bad days, and I really do hope there is help and relief for you soon.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    Your words were so moving to me!
    I too struggle with what I perceive as my uselessness. With all my energy... most all the time,,. I just try to endure and care for this pain,

    It's a very lonely situation, also..alone with our pain and alone with our thoughts,
    This site has been a life saver to me because being alone with my thoughts is a dangerous place to be.

    Even with antidepressants, I seek counseling to help me think right..to get a reality check.
    You mentioned 20 years of repressed emotions. That''s a lot of heartache and anger and takes on a whole new pain level of its own.
    20 years to build..It'll take time to find its balance.

    Your kids..wow..then grown kids..maybe grandkids..
    Some people have said,"I'd give anything for another moment with them."
    I think of that as I hold on..wanting to let go since only a few would notice... but there may be that moment when relationships are healed.. someone reaches out to me... I want to be here for just another moment with them.

    Take care ..and if it helps...you're not alone. Keep in touch...thanks.
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Srtayl;

    Savage brings up a good point. Maybe some psych help will help you, you can start to let go of some of the emotions that have built up. Can you go to the VA and ask, they should be able to provide you with a therapist, maybe even one who specializes in dealing with chronic pain. Just a thought, if you haven't already gone that route.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • I have 12 years to figure it out and work through my demons. In that time I also will have to figure out a better way to manage pain and function as a human and re-create my self.

    I know what I said sounded like the end, but really, it was more of an exploration and a written statement of hope, long-term all in and of itself.

    I am seeing a psychiatrist at the VA.... that being said, my next appointment is in October! How's that for pro-active treatment? OK, so at least my anger button works ;-P

    As you all can tell, today is a good day and i am really trying to get the most out of it ; the endorphines, smiles, jokes, and overall joy. Who knows how long it will last and I am going to savor every second of it.

    For now, enjoy the roller coaster. Be well, best wishes.
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