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So why me God?

j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:00 AM in Chronic Pain
So why me God? I know when I was a young man I did a lot of bad things. But doesn't the good outweigh the bad. I've made reparations and asked for forgiveness. I don't go to church. But I am religious and spiritual. And have tried to be a good man. And yet I'm in hell on earth!
So, why me God? In 9 years I've had 8 surgeries and have been fused from S-1 to T12 All the while being in chronic pain.
So why me God? during my last 14 years of work I was in chronic pain. But unable to take any kind of narcotic med. Getting by with chiropractors, anti inflammatories, injections, and ice. Working hard and saving and investing so I could live a decent life when the inevitable came,(Not being able to dodge surgery) And not being able to work any longer.
So why me God? After getting the most invasive surgery that I've ever had. Actually 3 surgeries, back, to back, to back. And this was supposed to be surgery to end all further surgeries. Am I wandering if it will be a success. Because I'm still in excruciating pain and not to sure I'm making progress after 2 1/2 months?
So why me God? Can't I get well enough to stop taking the meds that I know are killing me?
God, could Susan have been right? Is my signature line true?
You get what you get..........It has nothing to do with what you deserve!
Jim
Click my name to see my Medical history
You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
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Comments

  • i am not religious but have NO problems with anyone religion .but again i ask the same question .we have all done dumb stuff over the years .but why should we suffer so much .i think that chronic pain is a slow agony and bless you for managing without narcotics i don't know how you have managed.as far as i am concerned you are a good man and should not be suffering .but it doesn't work out like that .i know that i could not managed without my narcotics as weaker medication doesn't work on me .
    you tell someone you have a bad back and you can see there eyes roll in to there head ! tell them you have an intractable spinal condition ..they want to know more !! .all i know is all of us suffering with the most horrible pain from day to day is a major challenge to say the least .take care jim and i wish you some pain free time
    tony
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • Just thought I'd drop in before I turn in, so to speak, as it's nearly half past midnight here in the UK and I can sympathise with you Jim as I've had a pretty sh*tty day too.

    I'm sure Backache99 (Tony) won't mind me mentioning his name, only he's going through a bad time at the moment too and perhaps you could support each other through it. Just a thought.

    I'm sorry Jim, I don't have any answers cos I haven't found them for myself yet, but I do understand the question you keep asking...... Why me G-d?

    I've not had anywhere near as bad a time of it as you seem to be having, but I'm still asking the same question nonetheless.

    In 2006 I put off having a 1-level fusion surgery and had 2 discectomies instead within a month of each other (because the first one failed). I was hoping this 'easier' option would do the trick. It didn't. Then in 2010, because my back had deteriorated, I finally succumbed(sp?) to having a 2-level fusion and was under the impression that I would be well and truly 'fixed' for life this time (or at least for 10 years or so). Unfortunately this didn't happen either. So, last December, I had revision surgery when all the hardware (apart from one screw) was replaced and repositioned and thought, YAY! this MUST be it now, the final solution!!!! But no, it seems that as well as ongoing chronic back pain, and the same strong medication I was on before the fusion surgery, I'm now getting pain from right sided sacro-iliac joint dysfunction as well - which I was told by my surgeon only last week is probably being caused by having the fusion!!!! Aaarrrrgghhh!!!!

    I had an important two and a half hour meeting today with my Union representatives and I couldn't even sit for 10 minutes without having to get up all the time to try and relieve the back and S.I. pain (butt). It's so frustrating and damn annoying. How the hell am I supposed to be able to return to work when I cannot even sit still yet? I know I must be more positive and hope that while I'm still off sick, I will recover even further so I CAN return to work, otherwise I'm gonna be up S**T creek without a paddle. More anxiety to worry about, which someone will probably say causes more pain, but such is life, I can't help it just now.

    I'm so sorry they haven't fixed you. We put our lives in the hands of the surgeons and, in my case, I trusted them 100 per cent (and I still do actually because it's not the surgeons fault - as they've told me all the hardware looks good on x-ray evidently).

    Are you still managing to work? Have you started physio? Has your surgeon given you any reassurance for the future? Obviously you are still in recovery and I was told the more operations you have the longer it takes to get over them. Backache (Tony) has been told his surgery will take 2-3 years before he fully recovers from it.

    Can you chat to your surgeon again for further advice, or the pain management doctor, or any other professional that can help you more? In my experience, I would never advise anyone to go to a chiropracter - I still do not know if their 'torture' was in any way responsible for me needing 4 spine operations so far, but I'd never visit one again! Neither do I want any more spine operations EVER AGAIN!

    What you're going through Jim, and what all spiney's go through, can only help and support those new to the forum who come looking for answers, information, reassurance or just to chat about their circumstances because they do not have anywhere else or anyone else to turn.

    Sorry for such a long post, but I really feel for you and totally understand your current despair. Hang in there Jim!!!! You are, and have been, a good man and nobody deserves the chronic pain that spineys go through! One day at a time and I pray that tomorrow will be a little easier for you pain-wise. Please let us all know how you are getting on OK, and G-d bless you and all chronic pain sufferers.
    SUE
    2 x Microdiscectomy 2005 / PLIFusion 2-level 2010 / revision surgery 2011 / NEVRO Senza spinal cord stimulator implanted February 2013. I WILL NOT GIVE IN / UP !!
  • I didn't even know Tony had replied - I was too busy typing my post, but I've just seen his answer sent only 2 minutes before mine. Another good man who doesn't deserve all the pain. You're definitely not alone with this Jim.
    SUE
    2 x Microdiscectomy 2005 / PLIFusion 2-level 2010 / revision surgery 2011 / NEVRO Senza spinal cord stimulator implanted February 2013. I WILL NOT GIVE IN / UP !!
  • many times, many times, I've asked "Why me?" Not necessarily in regards to my pain but just when something seems so ridiculous. There isn't an answer. There is always someone better off and worse off than you, richer and poorer, younger and older.

    I then thought "well, God won't give me more than I can handle" And I've thought "Darn, He could have fooled me". At the end of the day, I don't have an answer. I have to look to those I love and trust they love me.

    I can't imagine the pain you are in. I do not want to try. I can understand the pain your heart is in though and I hope that you can find a few minutes here and there to let sunshine in and keep it warm. If you can do that either by listening to a song, feeling the sun on your face, feeling the touch of a loved one on your cheek, you will endure.


    Know that many of us here are pulling for you to see better days....I sure hope in 2 months, you can look back and say "wow, I finally see progress!"

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 10,065
    Jim, I know that you and I have traveled down so many paths together. I have to say, that overall , I have been the fortunate one to have either been on the right side of the fence, the right side of the surgeon's desk, whatever.

    Sure, I have my pains and trials, but you are going through them so very often.

    Many times, people have asked this question of me. Most of the time it comes from people who have had a little muscle pull or a sore back and they want to whine and cry about all the pain they are in.

    I tend to ignore those folks, because what ever you say to them, they will always feel that their problem is the worst possible on the planet.

    Jim, I can really feel what you are saying. Over the years, I have said the same words to my wife, my children, etc.

    I guess what really turns me around about that, is going to the rehab center where I do Aqua Therapy. I see so many people, so incapacitated, and so many of them are so young. I've lived a good life, many mischievous and not so good things when I was young, but I've learned so much over the years.

    If someone up there wants to knock me down for my early days and deeds, well, I think I deserve it.

    If someone wants to know me down for things I do today, I tell them to take a walk.

    Overall, I am good and I am evil.... I guess now days, I tend to be on the good side. So WHY ME, Jim, honestly, I dont have a good answer.
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Its something I asked many times when I believed, not so much anymore as I no longer believe. Luck, decisions( bad or good ) are really the reasons. One may be cursed from genetics, accident, etc. I just have to look from a fathers love, if my child was suffering and I could do anything including give my own life I would. I was taught when younger we are all gods children, but looking from my love this cannot be true. If we had power we could not standby while our child suffered. I hated when my belief changed but after having cancer and seeing kids suffering with tumors size of football and spine issues where an 18 yr old will suffer for life due to genetics I realized there is no divine plan, no angel on shoulder, and it won't be god that heals me but some doctor who busted his but thru med school. When I let go of god I let go of alot of anger and things I don't understand, it's hard sometimes and I flip flop esp now, but I can't believe in a god that allows children to suffer. My opinion and I respect all religion, beliefs equally, but I had terrible time struggling with god. " why put this family and child in the care of me at 21 and I follow ur guidance and help them, put mother thru school, love child as my own and raise her only to allow that path to result in my pain". But chaos happens and it's not anything with a god. I searched bible, church for answers and there was only the belief in faith with no evidence or proof, I could not live
    life based on that. I look at the spine, an engineering marvel and failure at same time, no god would design it knowing it would cause so much pain. Nature designed it. My views have morphed thru years to where I am now, there may be higher bein but nature controls the world. Miracles are not act of god but luck, or else why do some children not get miracles . I just read book where writer watch nazi throwing babies into bonfire, there is no god there.

    Jim, I respect u and u are one of strongest here I hope things start looking up and u can find peace with it all, I hope same for myself. I was pretty much good person most of my life, of course I had bad streak after parents divorce, but I would give help to stranger and all I ever wanted was to be good father, provider, husband. All things my father was not and he lived into his 70's with mental pain but so many chances to turn his life around and passed. I hate that many here many children never get second chance , if god was punishing so many should suffer that do not, so I think we are unfortunate victims of bad luck.
    Herniated T6-7, multiple herniations in cervical, tears in T5-T8. Stenois at levels and smorls nodes from thoracic thru lumbar
  • When I read your title, I remember one thing that Mom told me when my husband died of cancer at 35; when I said, why me? she said; "honey, why not you? this will make you a stronger person, it will teach you to appreciate life", and you know what, she was right!

    You can read all of my surgeries on my signature, and I read all of the trial and tribulations that some people here have gone through, and I think that God; or our higher power, sends this curve balls to us, so we can learn to appreciate every little moment, good or bad that we have on this earth. I hope that your pain will get better soon.

    Enid
  • I have been to MD anderson and seen cancer patients and children with cancer and I just do not think they were given cancer to help someone else appriciate life. I refuse to believe memebers of my family suffered terrible death from cancer so that their spouse could appriciate life more. I know medically it was genetics, exposure, etc that caused their cancer. I am just not a person who looks at someone in a wheelchair and says at least I am not in one , my heart breaks and I ask why does that person deserve to be there and myself or others do not. They dont,it is simple luck of the draw.

    People believe and rejoice in the miricle of one child surviving cancer, sickness etc. but no one ever questions why that one lives and thousands other do not get so lucky and end up dying horrible death. We are very selective in what we want to acknoledge, what we give thanks to god for , what we accept as a miricle. What about the ones that did not make it, where they not good enough, did they not deserve, if god is praised for a miricle in one should he not be cursed also for the lack of miricles in another childs life. I dont pretend to know 100% if there is or isnt a god, but if there was a god who gave someone cancer and let them die just to make me appriciate life, I really would not want to know that god.
    God really does have it made, if something good happens its praise god, but if something horrible does it is all in gods plan, we cannot understand, have faith. There can never be a logical based argument involving religion as long as having faith or humans cannot understand is the answer for everything.
    My opinion and mine alone.
    Herniated T6-7, multiple herniations in cervical, tears in T5-T8. Stenois at levels and smorls nodes from thoracic thru lumbar
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
    I did not mean to start a thread on religion. I was just feeling sorry for myself.
    Anelson, we are alot alike in our thinking. I just watched my mother die of cancer. And am now watching my beloved mother in law battle it. I've also seen the children, the solders, the people genetically prone or born less than normal, etcetera.
    So like you I struggle with my beliefs.
    But I really try to keep politics and religion to myself. And not to have discussions about them at all. Especially on S.H. where we have so much to struggle with trying to live in chronic pain, And make some kind of sense of it.
    But one of the reasons I've not been on S.H. too much is I don't often have anything positive to say lately. And I'm struggling to make sense of it all. And kind of feeling like an ass for feeling sorry for myself! When there are so many that have it so much worse than I. Or anyone else on this forum.
    But then I think, S.H. is about spine problems. And not all of the problems in the world, politics, or religion.
    So I am sorry for that. And did not intend to make that a topic of the thread.
    Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 10,065
    I for one have not looked at your through as being a religious one, just a thread to express your emotions.

    And you always do a good job at that. Just look at the various people that respond and how and what they respond with.
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
    Sue, no I haven't worked since 11/5/2002. I fully intended to go back to work. but the surgery was a failure, as were all of the rest of them. The jury is out on this one. But I'm not feeling to good about it right now.
    I was supposed to be in p.t. But the Dr. won't let me start until my recovery is far enough along. He says this will be a very long recovery for me. And to just be patient. Obviously that's not one of my traits!
    The surgeon told me that for a full recovery it would probably be like Tony's, 2-3 years.
    I see my pain management Dr. on this coming Monday. And I'll be asking for a change in meds. As I've been on this (witches brew) to long and it's just not verry effective anymore. I think I've been taking the same thing for too long. And I'm starting to have some scary side effects.
    Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
    I hope youre right. And probably are. Because that was all that was meant. Thanks for your continued support.
    Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Yea, Jim I probably went a little far on that one, my own confusion and questions kind of had a mind of thier own. I myself am not in a great place either and ask often to my mom, what did i do to deserve this, she answers, nothing. And I tell her I really dont think I did anything to deserve it and its not really a question but a statement of despair and desperation on my part cause I dont know what to do. I have pity parties as much as the next man on here, but so many times I go back to a thread and read what I wrote and say man that was a bad day, that is not representative of me or I need to get my crap together. Sometimes just saying all the crazy, stupid, pitiful things I feel and getting that toxin out helps.
    Herniated T6-7, multiple herniations in cervical, tears in T5-T8. Stenois at levels and smorls nodes from thoracic thru lumbar
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
    I fully understand. And I truly think that, that is what this place called Spine Health is for.
    I really think that Susan's (r.i.p.) quote (in my signature line) is true. I hope your having a better day. I think I am.
    Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • I do hope things are better for you today. Your pain from this last surgery has been extreme hasnt it? I am so sorry you have had to suffer like this.

    I am having a flare up today. Rain and snow headed this way tonight!! Grrrr Weather changes always brings on a flare up for me. But I have the comfort of knowing that by tonight or morning this pain will have dissappered. Sadly you do not have that comfort. How I wish I could pass some of my pain relief to everyone on here. If I but could, you and Tony would be at the top of the list!!

    Hoping for better days for you my friend.
    Patsy W

  • Patwhite,

    Having just that morning you wake up pain free is a bigger thing than I could imagine. It was disappointing to step out of bed and feel the stab, but lying down I used to be pain free in morning and there was alot of hope that came with that.
    Herniated T6-7, multiple herniations in cervical, tears in T5-T8. Stenois at levels and smorls nodes from thoracic thru lumbar
  • I have to agree with anelsen15. I did once believe. As for my pain probably deserve the pain. But when I see all the other suffering. I have to step back and ask how this God can see it and do nothing.

    Jim I do hope you find some relieve.

    Jim
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
    Thank you for that. But I'm just happy that you no longer have that savage constant leg pain. The weather is playing havoc with you arthritis?
    Anelsen, I used to wake up pain free or close to it.From laying down. Untill a little later as the day progressed, so did the pain. Now when I wake up, I can feel it as soon as I start to stir. My feet don't even have to touch the floor! I guess I had it pretty good and didn't know it.
    Jim, I don't have the answer. But some day we all will. I hope you have a good day.
    Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Same here Jim, I really miss that morning releif. It was a devestating game though to get it and then stand up and day heads downhill, but I should have relized how much I would miss it. I always thought if I could get rid of whatever causes pain when get up I could feel like this all day. I miss it, the hope seemed small then but it would be big now.
    Herniated T6-7, multiple herniations in cervical, tears in T5-T8. Stenois at levels and smorls nodes from thoracic thru lumbar
  • Why me? That's a question whose answer we'll never know, at least not in this life (and assuming there is another), a question we rarely ask when good things happen to us, but that's another topic.

    Genetics, accidents, lifestyles may give some sort of explanation, but I'm sure there could be found people in similar conditions who are pain free. I read somewhere that if you take random people with no back pain and apply MRIs to them you'll find all kind of spinal problems that remain symptom free.

    On the other hand, the idea of a God who punishes or rewards us because we do what he wants or do what he doesn't want repels me. What difference would that make with any vengeful neighbour we may happen to have.

    Why me? Most likely there is no answer because there is no reason. We have no other choice than acceptance.
  • First of all I must say, I have never noticed you being a whiner or feeling sorry for yourself, at least you don't come off that way. In fact, you probably never realized but some time ago, I was having a brutally awful time, you responded to my posts, you emailed me and sent me some PMs also. You have no idea what those did for me. You made me look at things thru different eyes. Many on here have done that for me and I am so greatful. I know we ALL tend to get wrapped up in our ownselves at times - and why wouldn't we? I think we deal with more bullshit in a year than most people do in a lifetime - (you get my point). If you want to be a little bummed about this BS situation, go right ahead. You deserve to be, then, by God, you turn your head around, and shake yourself off, just like you always do, and start looking forward with purpose again. You do it as many times as you need too. You have probably been thru more in the last two years than many have in a lifetime - think about that mister. We all feel the presure and the dark sometimes. We need to be here to lift each other back up and climb out of that hole and together, we support each other and do that. I thank you so much for just being there and listening or chattering on e-mail when I needed you. Maybe that is "why you Jim". Ever think of that? Maybe God knows you are a great person and unfortunately have a great understanding of this misery so of course you are inspirational to others. I don't think God gave this to us, but I think he is there for us to lean on, as we lean on each other. That is the plan - at least I think so. Take care friend, I pray that your tomorrow is better than today. Marion
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