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Bad morning, so sad...

MelWMMelW Posts: 427
edited 06/11/2012 - 9:02 AM in Chronic Pain
I feel awful. Today is my 10 year old sons field day at school. He was practically begging me to go, so I told him I'd ask the teacher what it involves and see if there is anything I can do. There is just NO way.... It is all very physical, and they have chairs out, but they are the metal folding chairs that are uncomfortable for someone that doesn't have back problems, let alone someone who does. These are the days that make me HATE my spine!!! Yes, I know it sounds stupid to resent my own spine, but at this moment I do. I just really hate that I even have to worry about stuff like this. I used to be very active before all of this spine crap. I coached, ran, did 150 crunches a day, lifted weights, etc. I was in the best shape ever! Now, I have gained 30 pounds and at times can do some walking, but even that can put me into horrible pain if I even overdo it a little.

I miss the days of just "doing" and not having to think twice about everything I do. Usually I will just do things and pay for it later, but these last few months have been worse than normal and I am afraid to aggrevate anything.

I am so ready to see the neuro to find out what in the heck is going on and what can be done!

I know most of my posts have been a lot of venting/whining lately, but I am thankful I have the SH family that understands and listens. I don't know what I would do without yall!


  • MelW,

    I had fusion surgery 2 months ago, and I must explain to my son why I can't play all the time. I hate the sad look I get from him and really want to be better.

    It sounds like you are not being treated and are new in the process. First critical thing is to find out whats wrong. It could be so many things, that's the first and most important thing to do.

    Keep me "US" posted. Good luck.
    Left foramina stenosis of L3/L4 (retrolisthesis)
    L2-ilaic revision fusion ( loose screws) with a laminectomy at L3 (cage at L3-L4)
    (PLIF) -@ L4/ L/5 - S1 (cage at L4/L5)
  • you both have my sympathy .i was a fit person even at 30 i had the body of a 18 year old now at nearly 46 and 3 operation and many painful procedures and too many nights lost to poor sleep through pain i now look like an 81 year old !!.its very frustrating you will know that the fusion {i had ALIF} but its all thee same {PLIF/ALIF} just surgical approach.the end result is pain for us and restricted mobility .i can't believe how hard it is to shower once self especially in certain areas! take care folk
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • Thanks Tony! Sounds like you have had your fair share of it too... And I hear ya on being fit. I am 5'7" and normally weight 125, had a six pack, man I miss those days. I am not fat now (to me I am), but I am on the high side of healthy weight. I just miss not having to worry about everything I do, and exercising all the time, running and my crunches :-( I would give anything to have my body from 2 years ago back!!!!

    Anyhow, that's here nor there. I finally heard back from my surgeons office today and she is suppsed to call me first thing tomorrow with my appointment day and time. I am so ready to go in and get his take on all of this.

    Take care.

  • I used to be Mr. Active this time last year.. skating, hiking, climbing, running, parkour I did it all. Thankfully I can still hike but Im nothing compared to what i used to do. I too have gained fat, Im the same wieght as last year, but have traded all that muscle for fat :( i used to have muscular thighs near the size of some girls waists! sucha shame..

    I too, find that the worst days are the days im REMINDED I cant do those things i used to do. Its like pouring salt in that wound your trying to forget about, reminding you again of the pain and how its changed your life and for the worser...
  • It really does feel like pouring salt in a wound... This weekend was horrible too! I don't think I have cried this much in a long, long time.

    A lot of times I am not even crying over the pain, well some, but I have had worse pains before, it's just the feeling of there not being an end in sight. Like when I would get my mind set that I wanted to be a certain weight, I know what to do to reach that goal. With chronic pain, I see no goal, my light at the end of the tunnel is burnt out.

    I think the depression about my weight, and just my general appearance, is getting to me a lot more lately too. I have never in my life had this much weight on me. I am be no means fat, by today's standards, but am considered on the high end of what my weight should be for my height... and it is depressing as hell. It has made me so insecure about my marriage too. I know my husband loves me, and knows that the weight gain is due to not being able to be as active, but damn, when I know he was used to me being 5'7" and 125lbs, with abs of steel, it's a major blow to me that I am not even close to looking like that anymore.

    Anyhow, I am just rambling now, so I ought to quit while I'm ahead, lol.
  • We are here to support each other. What you are feeling is only natural for what you are going through. Eventually we all have to come to terms with our new normal, that doesn't have to be where you are today.
    I used to run marathons, moutain bike and hike. I have put on over 50 pounds in the last few years, mostly due to steroid injections and side effects of medications. Due to bad back issues and rhuematoid arthritis I can hardly take my dog for a walk some days.
    Hang in there...
    laminectomy c4/c5 2008, ACDF c4-c7 Jan 20 2014 sched
  • ok to make a very long story as short as i can...i have been having left butt and leg pain for 6 months. have had every test you can think of, injections, been to ALL kinds of different doctors to be told there is nothing surgically that can be done..how frustrating!! i am currently taking 8 Norcos a day, on Fentynal pain patch and still live with pain!! at least i can walk with my meds....without them i just lay in bed and cry from the severe pain...any suggestions??? i ajve been told my SI joint is inflamed, a very small tear in my L5, and have s1 nerve damage HELP!!!!!!!!
  • Well to let you know, you are not the only one who feels this way! I feel the same about the whole weight issue and being unfit and it really gets me down. I am luckky I can still hike, but its only minimal and I often dont have the energy to go as hard as I used to.

    I have been trying to cut down my diet tho. I used to eat up to 4000+ calories a day when I was active, and that was for maintaining weight because was so active. The problem is, the eating habits stay but the excercize is less. Now im trying to eat about 1800-2500 calories a day, depending on my activity level. When I first got injured I figured, hell since Im not working out anymore I might as well eat candy and ice cream(stuff I usually avoided). But with a chronic problem I have had to modify that and now rarely eat sweets. And so far I havent gone over 175lbs.

    In some respects this issue is simply out of our control and must be simply accepted. But I think with a proper diet the issue can at least stay from getting out of hand.

    One thing Ive found that helps in general, is replacing all that physical activity, with mental activity. Just excersizing my brain, gaining information, researching, reading, watching documentaries, writing stories. It doesnt completely erase the need for physical activity but it helps me cope.
  • This isnt exactly the best place to post your comment, since were having a different conversation in this thread.
    Id suggest you make your own thread in the chronic pain forum and we can help you out and reply there. Let me know when you make it and ill join the conversation there!
  • I agree with Dumbledore... You will get better responses if you make a post specifically for what you want to know. Having it on this post that I started will usually only getting responses to what the title of the post is. Good luck and let us know if you need help navigating around! Oh, and welcome to SH!
  • I am new to posting here, but not new to back problems. I have a 11 and 13 year old. I got divorced a few years ago and valued all my time with them since I only see them 1/2 the time now. We have not been on a vacation together in 2 years, actually have not been anywhere. I know soon they will be to old to want to go on vacation, and I feel like I am missing out on so much. I was never skinny, but I was never this fat either. I some days don't care if I die, but then I think how much the kids will miss me even if I can't do anything. So I understand what you are going through.
  • Oh, I completely understand! I am dealing with the same thing right now! My 7 yr old's teacher asked me to join them on a field trip a week or so ago. It was mostly seated, so I was able to make that. Though, I had a very hard time on the school bus...*shudders*.

    Then, my 6 yr old's teacher asked me to join them as a supervisor on their field trip. There would be so much walking for his field trip...not to mention, chasing. I just can't do it. My 6 yr old begged me, citing that I went to his brother's field trip. He was just bawling when I told him I couldn't go.

    Some days, I hate my body...so I completely understand. I used to run track, play volleyball, rollerblade, and just have fun with the kids. Not anymore. I hope I can again, one day, though.
  • Thank you all for sharing your stories. It is just heartbreaking, to say the least. It is so sad we even have to think of whether or not we can go on a field trip with our kids!

    I would just love to be at a point where I can do most every day things. I know I am going to probably always have limitation, I can handle that, but when I can't even go on a field trip because of the pain I get in from sitting for any amount of time, that is just insane.

    Notgivinguo, I for sure know where you are coming from. It is the worst feeling to have to tell them no, and they want us to do thing's with them so bad.

    Hang in there.
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