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did i make the worst mistake of my life? :(

I had surgery 8 weeks ago.(L4/5 TLIF, REVISION L5/S1 PSF) The pain was as expected (had 3 surgeries before, but not this major). Lately, this past week I have been so depressed, as the pain increased. I get anxious, pacing the floors, crying. I cry from the pain, the loneliness, and msot of all, the feeling like I made the WORST decision of my life. My entire life is disrupted. I can't even care for my 3 year old dtr. She goes with my sister in law, and everytime she cries. She doesn't want to leave me and I don't want her to go. It breaks my heart. I should have thought this through. I should have prepared myself. What did I do?! I know it had to be fixed, but tht does not help me now. I'm already on depression medication. I'm trapped inside a metal spine.......thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm not alone when I come on here.


  • I know it hurts when your child has to be taken care of by someone else for awhile, and she's so young that she doesn't understand. But the other side of that coin is that when you're all healed and she's older, she won't remember any of this. I know you will, tho, so keep in mind that you NEEDED to be fixed. Hopefully, this surgery will be the end of it and you will heal nicely. And then you can go back to raising your child. But you need this time to heal right now. Don't beat yourself up for it.

    I haven't had my back surgery yet, (8/27), but had other surgeries before when my girls were younger. I have 5 daughters. None of them every held it against me, most of them don't remember, either. :)

    Maybe you should talk to your doctor about the pain and anxiety....?

    Hang in there...it'll get better. And venting is a big part of why we're here!

    I hope you keep in touch, I may need this same talk in a few weeks...
  • 8 weeks is early , u have to be selfish for just a while and focus on nothing but getting better. You are fighting for the future not the present, so you dont want to put expectations on yourself that could impact healing.
    Herniated T6-7, multiple herniations in cervical, tears in T5-T8. Stenois at levels and smorls nodes from thoracic thru lumbar
  • kamgramkkamgram Posts: 483
    edited 08/08/2012 - 7:16 PM
    I can tell you from experience that children handle things much better than we do:) My daughter was 10 when I had my first lumbar lamenectomy in 1994 and it was on her birthday in Nov. so I felt horrible not being home on her birthday. I always went out on decorating and baking and she handled it like a pro and does not even remember it now so I guess no permanent scars...lol I have back to back surgeries once again on lumbar in Oct and Dec. of 2008 and was down for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My daughter, neice and sister came and cooked the whole Thanksgiving dinner for me. I was so upset but they were thrilled to be able to take over from me which I took over after my mom passed away in 2004. We always see things much worse and are so much harder on ourselves than our loved ones ever are. My 2 yr old grandson knows that grammy can't lift him and he loves being able to do things by himself:) So just realize it wont be forever and your loved ones want to be there to help and just let them You need to take care of yourself so you can get back to your"normal" like:)

  • following me ALIF last dec in was a wreck i would cry just taking a shower .my wife had to dry me off and walk me to my recliner where i would just lay all day and cry at anything .the pain immediately post op was insane i have never had pain like that and i hope i never do .i too have has 3 operations and a fusion is a massive operation .so don't beat yourself up .you will be a long time recovering .i have been told by my consultant that it will be three years for ME as i have other problems too before we know if the operation has helped of not .i am still requiring many pain killer and i am no better off in my mobility .i am tired diiue to sleep depravation and i do know what you are going through .thankfully my wife does a lot for me as i would not be able to cope without her .take care
    tony {UK}
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • SugarplumsSSugarplums Posts: 77
    edited 08/13/2012 - 4:52 PM
    They may be virtual, but my hugs are real! I wish I had the power to make everyone's pain and sadness go away.

    Please know you are not alone! Sometimes I take my big pillow and hug it and take a hug from Jesus like he hugs the little children in all the artists' paintings I've seen... We are all His children and He wants to comfort all of us!
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