Thank-you for your private posts of concern I am just having a really hard time with things now a day I don't know how much weight one is supposed to carry on there shoulders until they cant get up anymore, so many family thing, relationship, sleep, work, veterans affairs, depression, and meds upon meds. I feel lost and tired of people telling me to keep my head up and think positive when nothing seems positive at all I am surrounded by darkness my cries fall on deaf ears when I reach out to family about even things such as childhood things I am wrong and I guess I was a bad kid and got what I got that's plain and simple.
You know that wall you build up in your head to protect you from the things that happened to you in life things such as childhood, military tours, just the feeling of restlessness all the time, the chronic pain and emotional attack day after day breaks that wall down until everything that you have been hiding from is there in your face and you cant keep the sadness and anxiety at bay anymore the mask that you put on to get through daily life that your "fine" is worn out and your true colours are starting to show the abuse on your body the person in the mirror that you don't like to look at anymore. When people have left you the isolation is so great that your only true company daily is your dog what are you supposed to do how are you supposed to pick yourself back up, I am supposed to use what I have as a hook told by my psychiatrist to hold onto life cause she is getting scared I am in the range of hurting myself, I take my pain meds as prescribed have never gone beyond that I go to my pool physiotherapy appointments, I go to my psychiatrist appointments, I go to my family counselling appointments for chronic pain, and yet I am still left feeling this sadness I have never felt before I try my best to keep it in but find myself just typing to myself at times to get it out of my head my fiancé feels left out when I do that and she worries about me she worries the kiss before bed could be my last and I couldn't imagine how I would effect her life if the bad thing happened, but what do you do when the pain doesn't stop things and even smells trigger things in your head that make you see visually things you never wish you had seen.
So for now I continue on fighting this thing I will not break my fiancé got me to come to with her to a fortune teller where at one point she grabbed my hand and kept saying don't quit over and over as if she saw the pain in my eyes, I have nothing but fight I think of myself as a strong person I have always overcome lives obstacles, I just wish I could cut a break sometimes more bad days then good just wears me down, but yet the day needs to continue, I wish sometimes I could just disappear for a while, well I know I have rambled on for a while I don't even know if many people read this to hear me complain or however you take it, the private messages let me know there is someone out there so I thank you for that.
I hope this gets easier someday....