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mcjimjammmcjimjam Posts: 307
edited 05/01/2014 - 6:29 PM in Chronic Pain
I can't cope with the pain I'm at the moment. Intolerable pain, for me, leads to thoughts about how to make it stop. The main ones at the moment are suicide and heroin. If I kill myself, that will be a permanent solution. If I take heroin I will have some temporary relief. Also I figure if I get a heroin habit I will be a candidate for methodone or Suboxone, both of which will probably help the pain. I know how dumb this sounds. I just... Can't cope with this. I have my first appointment with a pain doc on June 5 , but I feel like I can't wait that long. I feel so desperate to escape this. Does anyone else have thoughts like these? Do you hatch evil schemes to get out of pain? I feel like other people probably think of these things a lot too when they are hurting, but I don't know. It would be nice to know I'm not alone in contemplating extreme solutions to pain.


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842
    whenever you have these thoughts, contact the professionals:
    USA: 1-800-784-243

    That being said, I would have to say that many of us have had some of those darker thoughts. Especially those that have had to deal with chronic pain for over 10 years or longer. Still, chronic pain can rob you of some of you dreams of what you hoped things were to be.

    The best thing is that, there are so many better things you can be, beyond your dreams, just put your mind into what thins you want to be or achieve. Sure, this things may not have been the things you thought about years before. But we all have to make the most of what we have. Still, while we are young, there is probably nothing we can not do.

    I had a good friend, about my age. He was trimming a tree in his backyard and went to step down the ladder, he missed three steps, came down squarely on his heels and in a split second became a lost his legs He has been a paraplegic since then. All the adjustments to being confined to a wheel chair for life.
    In the past year, he has made progress, with the help of leg braces, he has been able to take a few strides. He is 65, a bit older than me, but he never gave up.. It would have been so much easier to just throw in the towel, but he didnt.

    My point is, that IF you have those dark thoughts and can not understand them, then please call those hotline numbers.
    But if you have doubts, realize that there have been so many before you and so many after you dealing with similar problems.

    Life is a gift, always treat it that way
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Hello mcjimjam,

    First of all, you are NOT alone. Those of us here who have been in the same excruciating, unrelenting pain you are in have most likely, in some form or another, contemplated the permanent solution. The trouble is, the finality of the end result when your situation may only be temporary or fixable, either through a medical procedure you haven't tried, or via a psychologist or therapist- someone to talk to. I highly suggest going to the ER if you are in this much pain and see if they can't move your pain mgmt appointment up, given your fragile mental state.

    Trust me, a heroin addiction will NOT make anything better, even in the short term. Get yourself to the ER and see if you can find a therapist to help guide you through this especially difficult time.
    2015: Thoracic protrusions C7-T1, T3-4, T6-8
    Dec'13: 360FusionL4-S1 w/bone graft
    2013: 3x2-level disc injections: 12mo surgery postponement
    Dec'12: DiscogramL4-S1
    Sep/Oct'12: Bi-lateral Rhizo AblationsL4- S1
  • Have you ever come down from an addiction to opiates? have you ever had the hotshakescoldshivernauseamentalfogwant tosleepcantsleepomyGodwhywontthisfogstop?
    I put all that together, and less some others
    such as being so sick you want to die, waves of constipation and vomiting, waves of dizzyness and ears that hear stuff from far away, with them right next to you?
    do you really want this
    and pain? together?
    I thought not...
    Do seek help quickly, the ER as suggested is a great place to start, and most of all, your not alone, there are people willing to listen, if your willing to talk to them.
    more problems on top of problems never solved the first, and the latter adding to them.
    there may be a worsening issue you dont know about, an emergent issue that needs addressing

    Pain just isnt about the body you know, we tent to bring along baggage, psychological, emotional and spiritual
    we ARE complicated people. and unfortunately, sometimes only we can untangle them, by chasing the single threads down, and figuring out the knots.
    dont give up
    dont give in
    you will pull through this and more before the day is out
    then there is tommorrow, of which you neednt worry bout..its not here yet
    today has enough to handle no?
    Hang in there and fight
    Peace to you Brother
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Suicide ideation is what people use sometimes to cope. Gives them the feeling they are still in control, although trough an extreme solution. Just like what Ranchhand said about addiction, attempted suicide often brings additional damage and pain.

  • No, you are not alone. It's easy to go "there" when it gets bad. My worst pain, my 10+ pain, is when I'm having pancreas attacks. When it was at it's worst I prayed to God, begged God to let me die, but I could never help God end my life. I think everyone, when it gets "that" bad wants out. I have to say, I'm so glad I'm still here.

    June 5th will get here, I think I told you in another post that we will be here to help you until that date gets here. You are very close to getting the answers and help you need. Depression is part of all this pain stuff. Have you considered of talking to a professional about pain and what all of this is doing to you? In the meantime, please do call the number that Ron gave you above and talk to someone.

    Heroin??? God, NO, please don't go that route!!! That would make things a million times harder for you. As Ranch said, you do not want a heroin addiction on top of chronic back pain & depression. Stay strong, mcjimjam, as strong as you can & if you feel yourself getting weak, come here and talk with us--each of us can spare a little of our strength to give to you. You WILL make it through this.
  • jerseypipedreamsjjerseypipedreams Posts: 90
    edited 04/30/2014 - 3:22 AM
    Unfortunately many of us here have had these thoughts at one point or another during our journey of pain and misery. But I also found those thoughts tend to surface more easily when on high doses of drugs. Heroin will NEVER make you feel better, in the long run anyway. Withdrawal alone will want to make you end everything ( no personal experience. Just half my friends were sucked in by this stuff and lost acouple to overdose :( ) I'm 25 with a kid and was told I wouldn't recover. But I am. It is starting to be nice outside. Depending on your location, try getting some sun and fresh air. Breeze on your face and sun on your back can change your perspective real quick.
  • There was a time when I said I will do anything and will stop at nothing for the good of my family, because I love them and want all the best for them. But I didn't knew physical pain then. Now that I know it, I'm scared because I know it can break me.

    No one resists torture forever. No one.
  • I wanted to see if you're doing ok. Your post was very sad to read and I want you to know that there is help out there. I am thinking positively and that you are in the hospital right now, getting physical help for your pain and formulating a plan to attack the mental monster that has its grip on you. Hugs to you friend.
    2015: Thoracic protrusions C7-T1, T3-4, T6-8
    Dec'13: 360FusionL4-S1 w/bone graft
    2013: 3x2-level disc injections: 12mo surgery postponement
    Dec'12: DiscogramL4-S1
    Sep/Oct'12: Bi-lateral Rhizo AblationsL4- S1
  • thoracic spine painthoracic spine pain Posts: 566
    edited 04/30/2014 - 1:31 PM
  • Severe pain definitely put weird thoughts into my mind. PM was like being rescued from a burning boat. I'm still struggling at times, but am functional. I hope you get some relief soon, PM does great things for many of us.
    Diagnosis: Thoracic facet syndrome & cervical and thoracic radiculopathy from car accident trauma.
  • i confess, it was mr lemon in the study with the candelabra.
    I have 4 fusions from L5-3, the latest last May '12 where they fixed my disc that broke.They went through my side this time. I take 40 mg of oxycontin 4x a day and 4 fenatyl lollipops 300 micro gms 4x a day.
  • And Jon is an example of what can happen when it all gets too much & the mind finally goes!
    'Shine on you crazy diamond' it lightens our days. ;-)
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • McJimJam I hope the darkness is receding a little for you now. We all battle our demons, at least we don't have to go though these times alone. Are you on the waiting list for a cancellation at the pain management doctors? Have you made them aware of how urgently you need their help? I hope they can fit you in a little earlier. Remember it's a process & could take a little while to find the right blend for you but I'm sure things will start to seem a little brighter once your on the right road.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • Now I am worried about you. Please write back. Where you live in Aus it's going to be freezing at the moment. The cold is a killer for my pain. The beach will be pretty rugged there. Please get back to someone. I know how bad it is for you. Just don't do anything crazy. It took me years to get a diagnosis and be able to manage my pain but I found someone who helped. Don't give up.
  • EnglishGirl said:
    And Jon is an example of what can happen when it all gets too much & the mind finally goes!
    'Shine on you crazy diamond' it lightens our days. ;-)
    Jon's mind was gone waaaaay before he figured out that Mr. Lemons was up to no good, in the study playing with his candelabra ;-)
  • I have been wondering about mcjimjam also. Has anyone heard from him???
  • yes my mind is gone and i feel a lot better. i hear air leaking out of it also. does that make me an airhead? yes you say.
    jon ssssssshhhhhhhh.
    I have 4 fusions from L5-3, the latest last May '12 where they fixed my disc that broke.They went through my side this time. I take 40 mg of oxycontin 4x a day and 4 fenatyl lollipops 300 micro gms 4x a day.
  • Yes, I say it sure does...shhhhhhhhhhh
  • I have also been worried about you, Hang in there Mate, you have a lot of love on this forum, please us know you are o.k, sending you my love from the gold coast. Saying special prays,for you,

    Tlif L5S1 fusion on the 14th Jan 2014
  • While we are all concerned about a member who expresses thoughts of suicide, we as the forum moderators and the membership are not equipped to intervene or deal with suicide discussions. .We encourage anyone who is considering self harm to seek professional help in real life.
    We are providing those contact numbers for your reference.
    Suicide Help Resources

    Suicide Hotline Numbers
    USA: 1-800-784-2433
    UK : 08457 90 90 90
    ROI: 1850 60 90 90

    Suicide Hotline Numbers for Canada (URL Link)
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