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Were going to bring Mom home for Hospice.
The walk into the shadows won't be very long or hard, she has outlived the original prognosis by a good long time
she has grown tired and misses Dad every day
and soon
she will rejoin her partner of 55 years.

we await the prognosis with dread, we'll find out very soon as to when we can expect the gentle Angel

I could drink a Bottle down and the sorrow wouldn't answer for its sins
I could take every opiate, and still, the sadness would not answer

This Downhill slide into the dark for me will be epic
I'm not being selfish, i've prepared for this, i've had time with her as her caretaker when the others were working
so ive had more time to assimilate the inevitable

I don't know where the strength to be strong when others fail will come from
I had to be strong when Dad was called, i'm still dealing with the affliction of sorrow time to time

I will be strong in this too, like always, to make the hard calls, because others fail

then dealing with strong egos and personalities
dealing with my own pain
my own sorrow
keeping the peace

This will only be another part of life
in a life filled with parts
most unfinished

I will need to disappear for a long while to sort myself, my soul out
the bondage of duty to ones who care no duty to me

I think for once I will be selfish
I will carry out the familial duties
then I will exit stage...wherever.

I am tired
I have been tired

I am... tired.

yet there is still so far to go

William Garza
Spine-Health Mod

Welcome to Spine-Health



  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Being thru the exact same thing with my mother recently my prayers and heart break for you. For me my greatest loss in my life was my mother. Although we can curse and scream about our spine issues it allowed us the privilege of being able to spend time with our loved ones before they pass. Time that other family members did not have. Consider it a blessing. I hope family members support you during this difficult time and remember we are all here if you need to talk.
  • I'm so sorry to hear of your sad and difficult time. Please know that there are people all over the world keeping you and your Mum in their prayers. Treasure the moments you have left.
    I wish I could take some your pain away...
    DDD. Married,Mum of 2, Age 45: 2007 & 2008 L5/S1 Discectomy
    April 2013 L5/S1 Anterior Fusion
    & L4/L5 Artificial Disc Replacement
  • kinpainkkinpain Posts: 958
    edited 08/11/2014 - 10:37 AM

    As sad as it is to face the end of life of our parents, your Mom is probably in very good hands. I heard very good things about hospice care, and the fact that you are bringing her home will make her struggle more tolerable. I wish for both of you to find peace and comfort. God bless you both.

  • its going to happen in its own time. Just hoping the suffering is missing
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • and the shenanigans have started...
    too many indian
    not enough chief,

    one wants to rule..this isn't LOTR..he doesn't need to be anywhere near any decision making policys
    another, watched me struggle up from my moms bedside and asked whats wrong, told her and she snorted in derision and said hurry up and move out of her highnesses way.
    my poor sister whose been there with me at moms side, is struggling with here compromised emotions, but i gots her back

    and then theres me
    ime strong coz ime made that way..there is a job to be done now in the storm,,if they are afraid of the lightening then they should not venture where those who are not go.

    ive got my spiney friends and prayers
    ive got my strength
    what i dont have patience for is people whove not shown face nor hide except on occasion, wanting to run the show..
    all they are doing is trying to take charge of a situation beyond their control

    you bend when you need to
    you let the wave wash over you
    around you
    so that way, it wont break you

    peace to my spineys

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • It takes all sort of people, as you can very well see. Some of them mean well, but are so lost for wolds. Others, well we won't talk about them. You seem to retain your composer and I am sure you are great comfort to your Mom. Even if she may not seem to acknowledge everything around her, I am sure your good vibes bring her peace. You are in my thoughts.


  • Kin. yeah poop just keeps piling up..brother cant handle emotions of any kind,so he territorially marks... >_< everything around him with angry acts..
    i am not amused.
    i am however in control of my emotions, and not compromised
    to their unbridled arrogance and fury

    when this is all said and done
    so will my relationship to them

    ime done with their condescension and looking down
    i will move up and on and the last thing they will see is my back going into the darkness.
    i will have fulfilled all my filial and sons duty's as required by nature and God.
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • You've got great strength for rising above all the drama Ranchhand. Your Mum will appreciate it.

    DDD. Married,Mum of 2, Age 45: 2007 & 2008 L5/S1 Discectomy
    April 2013 L5/S1 Anterior Fusion
    & L4/L5 Artificial Disc Replacement
  • she is leaning on me for the hard questions
    Why am i like this?
    what happened?
    what is it that is hurting me.

    so i tell her the there is something in her stomach that went bad, ad thats why she isnt eating anymore,
    she told me "ill e over this in a month or so and back to normal...

    she is aware and unaware of whats happening
    the cancer has started to affect her reasoning
    as well as now we enter into the final stages, i can handle her and my sisters
    the other is throwing his weight around wildly and i dont need to face an emotionally compromised idiot, while dealing with pain, depression, mom, a sisters emotional well being, and moms questions.

    by keeping mum, i keep a sort of peace, by having to kiss butt to someone wholly undeserving. they need to grow up.

    i will fulfill my dutys, and that is all
    ive my own life to live, in my own peace of mind, in my own comfortable place in the world.
    sans people who are poisonous.

    i digess.

    how do you tell someone what is hurting them is killing them.?
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • You bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. You know what's going on and she doesn't, which is probably a blessing for her.
    I haven't been through such a personal experience so I hope I'm not offending you in any way or offering advice that I don't have the knowledge to give.
    Your Mam sounds like a positive lady full of fight who just wants to conquer her illness and get back to being a Mum. It sounds to me like you are doing the very best job you can in this difficult situation and that's all you can expect of yourself.
    You are kind and caring and understand pain. Make your Mam as comfortable as possible. Leave the rest in God's hands, it's all you can do. You'll have no regrets.
    DDD. Married,Mum of 2, Age 45: 2007 & 2008 L5/S1 Discectomy
    April 2013 L5/S1 Anterior Fusion
    & L4/L5 Artificial Disc Replacement
  • Its the inborn strength that may be her worst asset
    she may stubbornly hang on when she needs to let go
    I me going to talk with her and tell her its ok not to have to fight
    its ok to rest and let go
    let God and nature take its alloted time

    Ime hoping the Angel comes gently and surely as the breaking day, and that he takes her home to dad swiftly as a homesick Angel.
    Thank you from my heart for caring.
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,878
    Hospice is a place where your Mom will be well taken care of. It may not of have been her choice, perhaps just waiting to stay at home. There are two sides to this.

    When my father was failing for the last time, his one wish was not to be sent again to a hospital or any care center, he wanted to stay at home. He last 5 days, but I was able to spend hours with him each day, all of his grandchildren were there to talk to him. It was a gift for him.

    Hospice provides a caring approach to everything they do. I have yet to hear a bad word about hospice. They can provide for things that we can't always do.

    No matter what, when our parents get to that age, its never easy, not matter how old or sick they are. Letting go of a parent is not easy. Someday our children will be in the same position. When I am ready to go, I want them to be with me as much as possible.

    Death is not a word we like to talk about. But it is so natural For many it represents something new. Its not a religious thing , but more spiritual and natural.

    Ranch, when its time for your mom to go, so will go see your dad and she will always know the love you had for her.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • William GarzaWilliam Garza TexasPosts: 2,441
    edited 08/14/2014 - 7:56 AM
    Dad was here at home for his last days, and the care provided, the open lines of communication 24-7 the nursing staff, everyone was here when he passed on.
    We have Mom here
    her diminishing as the process of dying is a hurtful thing to us. she isnt suffering to awful ad as she has meds and care 24 hrs by my sister and I, and the wonderful nurses

    we have talked and will continue to do so, but i get the hard questions,
    why is this happening
    what is happening
    and then the look in her eyes

    she is ready to go i think, yet there is the fear of the dark walk before the dawn
    Tolstoy, wrote of the process of dying in a novel, and it has helped largely due to his faithful and factual observation

    I have faced the Angel a few times in my career and life, so i have a different perspective on death and dying.
    my family, whove lived a closed and smaller life seem to fear it more
    There should be no fear of dying
    a natural act, and a mercy at times, i think its the act of moving away from us, the taking away of the essential"them" the life inside, the acts and soul that we will miss

    I mentioned to someone that I need to sit awhile and talk with her, and tell her its ok to let go
    to go ahead and rest as much as she wants and to sleep as she will
    it will be a mercy if the Gentle Angel comes in her sleep.

    i think the fear of suffering, the fear of pain is the core of the fear of death

    we live and suffer every day
    As John would say, in his bio
    pain is inevitable
    suffering is optional

    we live in pain every single day
    every hour of the day
    so i think we have a different perspective on life
    and death,

    all we can do is walk our walk as best we can
    she outlived her prognosis by a year and a half

    My Faith is carrying me through this dark valley, i really have no fear
    i will miss her immeasurably, but what makes her..her, the essential being will have left the vessel,

    there is a load of sorrow inside
    both of my chemistry and of the emotional load

    I told my buddy , of whome i mentioned as of having his Beloved 'OMA" whose passage into the next life i described
    of the shared sorrow, that i need to go away after this
    out of the states i think and walk off the sorrow
    he wants to go to Vegas..
    he has a sister there and wants to go and see the lights
    he cant drive too much any more as he cant see too well and other issues
    and i describe the passing country, the miles flowing by , hour after hour in a mind easing numbness

    I rather have solitude to sort the stages out, the shear physicality of the walk will balm the pain

    here i sit
    in the steps leading to the dark watch

    soon she will dance on the river of stars
    soon the old worn and faithful body will be set aside

    soon she will pluck and pluck the silver apples of the moon and the golden apples of the sun

    while we will bear the burden of heavy soul

    her practice wings, worn and tatters by the years, will be set aside with ease
    soon Amazing Grace will fill her with Joy
    we are born creatures of light
    creatures of Joy
    so the sorrow in between is a price to pay for such gifts

    would you trade one moment, one tiny moment of joy, for a lifetime of sorrow


    the echoing roaring void inside is too much to bear right now

    this is my crown of shattered glass in my kingdom of razors
    i can name each bloody shard by name
    i can walk my kingdom whole
    for i have been bent and broken by time and tide
    and i can see the Glory on the other side
    but it is for me to stay the course, to not vary in my Faith, Hope and Love
    for in return i will trade this da.ned kingdom for one of Glory

    so let the void come
    let the blackness of the void howl and rail against the light
    for we have paid our price in hell
    and glories in our sight

    the pain will be replaced by peace

    Thank you Mr. Ron
    William Garza

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • William GarzaWilliam Garza TexasPosts: 2,441
    edited 08/14/2014 - 11:22 AM
    we are living each day as it should be, celebrating life and a wee dram of laughter
    its a slightly better day for family.
    mom sat up in bed and reached out as if a drowning person, once i sat close she calmed and became less agitated, we exercised her legs a little and she calmed a little more

    so it is up to us, my fellow spiney, to live up to the fullest potential of life, while there is still life to celebrate within
    in these moments, who would not want to be in our shoes?

    we few, we lucky few, who can call such brethren their own?
    who can stand in our light and not be affected by such brilliant stars, each and every one
    tell me?
    who would not like to be standing aside us... this day ?
    who would brave the fires in our breast, to burn with life and not a-cinder?

    whose song, wilting in breast of mortal flesh, would not raise fresh the hue and cry of freedom!
    at least
    a spirit set upon yon swift tide
    to join the sea anew...

    out of the billions of souls, blessed we few
    to call brother, sister, come hence, come truly anew

    what rough brethren, marching home to Jerusalem
    a reckoning, at last
    a price unpaid
    a price come due

    to find
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • My Pole Star is fading
    she is in a Hospice provider run ahh Hospice-pital?
    she is sleeping for now, the pain killers are working as she is falling away
    It is only a matter of this moment to the next, every breath, every second a blessing
    as it should be.

    Pole stars fade as we go on with our road in life
    each and everyone, precious and un permanent
    and they fade away one by one

    so what is left for us... is to become either a pole star ourselves
    forever walk in darkness

    the seconds tick away in the darkwatch
    the countdown until the last of life and light fades from sight
    and before us is the tiller
    sail on into darkness, between darkness is the sun
    at play in the fields of God, evergreen and never seen
    until the fading light

    Ime going to miss her
    so i will wait with her
    and together we will welcome the Gentle Angel
    one for the flight home
    and one to stay

    Be blessed
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Sending prayers your way. You're doing the very best you can for your Mum. I'm sure she knows that.
    DDD. Married,Mum of 2, Age 45: 2007 & 2008 L5/S1 Discectomy
    April 2013 L5/S1 Anterior Fusion
    & L4/L5 Artificial Disc Replacement
  • William GarzaWilliam Garza TexasPosts: 2,441
    edited 08/18/2014 - 9:42 AM
    Mom went home at 2;20 this afternoon
    at 84 she had a good run and missed dad ever so much

    I am Tired
    each and everyone
    Be Blessed
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • William, I'm not very good with words but I'm so sorry for your loss. you were so strong for your Mum. The angels were waiting with open arms to welcome her.
    There are some great people here on Spine Health who will help you through the tough times.
    Be kind to yourself now.
    DDD. Married,Mum of 2, Age 45: 2007 & 2008 L5/S1 Discectomy
    April 2013 L5/S1 Anterior Fusion
    & L4/L5 Artificial Disc Replacement
  • words are to rough a road right now, she was taken as gently and quietly as could be. The Ange came and took her hand and led her home.everybody was around. thank you again
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Dear Ranchhand, those of us who followed this sad but beautifully described journey sending you our deepest sympathy. You have been a great son and comfort to your dear mother and that knowledge should give you comfort. Accept you spiney pals sympathy.
    Now it is time to take care of yourself. Take that trip with you buddy, but let us know periodically how you are doing.


  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832
    Sincere condolences for your loss

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • Ranch, I've been absent for a bit, so I am sorry I didn't write sooner. I just finished reading your posts; It was beautiful. You are a good son and a good, caring man Ranch. I'm very sorry for your loss, I wish peace for you. Go on your trip with your friend and try to have some "you" time. Take care.
  • I dont think i want to got to Vegas..to gaudy and false
    ime saving and training for a much bigger and better journey in two years
    ime emotionally thin, there isnt much left to give
    the will is there, the want is there, the words are in darkness

    im going to get sick
    in heart and soul
    i dont need to escape from reality
    the spiney side of me keeps me here 24/7

    physically ime exhausted
    emotionally,watching the suffering and not being able to do anything for days was....

    i dont want to talk to anyone
    the darkness is calling
    i just want o walk in and disappear
    but im still needed here. to continue to be a pillar, even as its failing
    everything in my body hurts
    but im still needed to give

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • You are in my heart dear RanchHand. I wish I had a little of your poetry right now but I have few words.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • Its the sincerity behind the words that speak volumes
    the greatest gifts come from those who give from the heart and what you have gifted me is priceless
    Be Blessed!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    My condolences to you. The heartbreak is indescribable. please know my thoughts are with you at this difficult time, I am so very sorry,
  • Thank you
    its today thats the final and hardest
    too many people to greet and then burial
    thank you for the support
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Ranchhand today will be one of the worst of your lifel As you try to stay strong for others please do not forget about yourself. It is time to think of yourself and let others be strong for youl It is ok to be selfish right now, Please know that I am always here as a friend to talk to. My thoughts will be with you today as you struggle thru this day and may others comfort you and allow you to grieve. Big hugs to you , this is the hardest part
  • Thank you for the support
    I am still numb all over, think this will come down to time and space for me to fully finish this
    were still having relatives and friends continuously open the wounds when they come to the door and need attention for their loss. some of them chastise for not letting them know about mom and mad us for not calling sooner..
    idk people process things funny i guess
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Death can and will bring out the worst in people.
    walk away, Knowing in your heart that you were there for her every step of the journey. It is so strange how people expect comfort from you at this time when it is you that needs the comfort. Dont ever let anyone make you feel guilty for that. For myself the numbness never went away. Only acceptance. As someone famous once said " the heart never heals, it builds scar tissue around itself to protect our sanity". A mothers love is unconditional and irreplaceable. Ranchhand although we have never met, Ive read your post and felt your heart. Your mother had to be so proud of you. If it is space you need then take it, you need to think of yourself right now , not others. Always remember I am here if you need to talk and Im sure I can speak on behalf of all SH we are all here for you.
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