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so very sad..

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,670
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:19 AM in Depression and Coping
I feel so sad and I am trying so hard to feel better and have a better attitude. The last thing I wanted was to come here, as a matter of fact I already have and keep deleting it. I just turned 53 and I know that isn't young, but I feel so much older. The past few months are taking a toll on me and my marriage and my finances. My back is a mess, the epidural did nothing but take more money from me,I know I need surgery bad and now my kidneys are destroyed due to celebrex and I can already feel the pain worsening from not taking it anymore even with all my pain medication. My kidney situation is one third of people will be ok, one third will eventually need dialysis, and one third will die. The way my luck has been I don't feel too good. I have never in my life felt this sad and I can't stop the tears and I want to feel positive and hopeful but it's not there and I am heartbroken that after almost 35 years of marriage all that we have endured that this marriage is in trouble due to all the stress. I know he is tired of it all. I really am sorry for posting this...I thought long and hard and I really just need to vent. I don't expect anyone to have any answers or even reply, I just needed a place to vent so I can feel a little better.


P.S. I do so appreciate all the help I have been given and my heart goes out to all of you who are suffering. I would give just about anything if I could take it all away.


  • hey laurie hang in there, its going to get better, try to see the brighter side.thee may be trouble but its nothing that cant be surmounted! hubby should hold you up, thick and thin you know,there will be some wivs who have been where your at coming soon,so thier advice will be better but i think you are a wonderful person and have a radiant light showing to the world,you are important and vital to every one here,your support and care are a bright ray in the darkess of the suffering,dont forget that!
    You inspire all here with your compassion and love so dont feel unwanted,your needed!
    you may have to "stick your courage to the sticking place"
    as shakespeare would say
    be of courage and strength,i hope you come out of this shining!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • I was looking for your post the other night,i couldnt find it.i wanted to tell you,i am sorry to hear your feeling down,this section is for venting,so if you need to get those thoughts out please do,I hope things will get better for you,I will keep praying for you.....
  • Laurie, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I do feel that your hubby should remember the for better or worse, sickness and health part of the vows. But, I did want to tell you that I have seen so much sickness and disease in my lifetime and I truly believe in the power of positive thinking. When your mood is low and stress is high it also lowers your bodys defense and immune system. Please do not let the depression grab ahold of you too much before seeing a doc. There are plenty of meds out there that are not processed through the liver or kidneys. It is perfectly natural for you to be depressed at this time but it is not good for your health, your kidneys or your marriage. Please keep us posted on your progress.
  • That is one thing here that you will see a lot. Sometimes we bottle it up to the point that it has to blow somewhere. Here at SH we fully understand where you are coming. There is always someone on here that will be more than happy to listen to you. I am so sorry to hear that it is causing problems with you and your husband. It is so hard for them not to be able to actually fix this. As they feel they have to be the one person in the house to fix everything. I really hope that you are able to work through this and not end up leaving one another. All that does is cause a whole lot of undue heart ache. Along with it/it will make your pain that much worse.
    Wish you the best.
  • Hi Laurie,

    As you can see I posted a thread too recently. please don't feel bad for posting. At least you can get it out and feel safe about your feelings. When I was typing my depression tread I really just wanted to swallow a bottle of pills to stop the pain.

    I'm not married so I can't imagine the stress that it has caused on your marriage. I am so sorry to hear that. Perhaps you two can go to counselling? I know I lost the guy I was seeing 2 weeks before surgery, couldn't handle it and have lost a lot of friends along the way, so I do understand your feelings of feeling sad and alone.

    Please you are in the right place to vent when ever you want. We don't judge you and you don't have to apologize for posting your tread. Actually I commend you for doing so. It's a big step to acknoweldge that things are not going well.

    That's horrible news about the Celebrex and your kidneys. My dr. in the hospital put me on celebrex and I was like isn't that the one that causes kidney damage, because my dad is one step away from celebrex and he told me no. But I remembered my dad saying it was, as a matter of fact he has a port put in his arm now for the day he should need an emergency dialisis treatment. You must be so scared and you are so young. My dad is 83.

    I wish I had to words to say to make you feel better, but all I can say is that I'm so glad you found us here at SH and we will all do the best to help talk you and help you to process things that you can't do in your home life.

    Once again, I saw your S.O.S. all the way from Florida! (Smile)

    Hugs and kisses! Pebbles
  • I never thought I would get so many wonderful, kind replies. I feel ashamed. I appreciate everything you all wrote and I know it all came from your hearts. I don't know if you all know all that has been going on in my life, but I could honestly write a book about the past year..My second grandson was born with a severe cleft lip, palate and deaf, he was in ICU for awhile and not expected to live, he has had 3 surgeries and after one of them he became very sick again and things looked pretty bad, at the same time this is going on my youngest daughter who has had health problems all her life had cancer cells, I had cancer at 40 and it wasn't an easy battle, also my Back kept getting worse after increasing and adding many medications, I had an MRI and the results were not good at all. I had an epiduarl which turned into a joke and it was done a week ago and the pain is no better at all. I have been experiencing a lot of numbness etc. so I have many fears regarding this. I had not had blood work done since October because my doctor who does the blood work broke her leg sking in December and then lost her mother shortly after and she was not coming in her office that much so after calling when my pain became more than I could tolerate her nurse did call and set up my MRI, but I still had not seen her and after she saw the results she still was not seeing patients but refered me to a pain specialist, who did not do lab work, but prescribed more medications. I am on so many medications that most people think I am making it up. Anyway I am suppose to have lab work every 3 months and I finally had it 2 days before the epidural. A week ago Thursday...so I get the call from my nurse on this last Thursday and they tell me my inflamation is very high and that my kidneys are now damaged due to the celebrex, so I must stop it immediately and all tylenol products. I can already feel more pain even after taking my oxcodone and hydrocodone. There isn't anything they can do at this point, because steroids are out of the question for me. I was on them for 5 years straight and then off and on and my body can't handle anymore of them. So again I am in a no win situation. My husband is very stressed. He is not the same man, I am not the same. We have been married since I was 18 and he was 19 and we have been through everything together, a long tough road it's been. We both have been through so much and I didn't even tell all of it, so therefore I WAS DESPERATE AND FELT SO ALONE AND SAD. I thank you all for replying and caring. I wish that I could wake up and it would all be fine, but it's not fine and it won't be and I am very sad. However the people on here are wonderful and supportive and I wish I could repay each one of you!!!


    I wish I could do more!!!!

  • I don't know if there is anything that I can say to make you feel better but I wanted you to know that I'm here, on your side. This is a long, ugly road when it's easy and your road has been made even harder by all these outside factors.

    Your husband has the capability to come around and regain his understanding and compassion. I urge both of you to seek counseling to get through this incredibly rough time in your lives. It's hard for us to remember but this happens to our partners too and, especially for men, it's hard to sit back and be so helpless. My husband tends to get mad when he is really frustrated that I am hurt. He just can't get his feelings in order because there is no solution. I've learned a lot about him through this too and realized that it victimizes everone it touches.

    I hope you are seeing a specialist about your kidney problems. There are a lot of things that can be done to help- please don't give up hope! I went through kidney failure with my ex-husband and, had he sought treatment early on, he would have had a good chance of recovery. Modern medicine, combined with a positive attitude, can do amazing things.

    We're all here, holding your hand Lady. You certiantly aren't ever alone in your struggle.

  • :) hi! i am 53 myself. i have to look in the mirror now and realize that anything youthful is gone. i have chosen to take low dose hormones and still find mood swings and even depression knocking at my door. thank goodness the hot flashes and night sweats are at bay. perhaps this change is causing some of the feelings you are having. being a woman, i have always had my looks to get me by many situations. now it is my heart that rules my world. i don't know if any of this is helpful, but i have been married for 28 years and know the turmoil time and chronic pain can take on a marriage. i know the disappointment of aging and realizing i am only going to age more. maturity has many benefits and i focus on these now. please start feeling better soon and you really are having feelings so normal for women our age. good luck and i hope to see you around the forum! Jenny :)
  • Thank you for the comment. I appreciate your comment. The age thing may be part of the issue but only a very small part. I have been on hormones since I was 40. I had tumors and had a complete hysterectomy, everything is gone from a cancerous tumor in my left ovary so hormonal therapy is already in place. My despair is that too much has happened in a short amount of time and I honestly don't have the coping skills to deal with it. The back issue is a major concern of mine. I am having horrible pain and some othe issues and I know I need surgery before something terrible happens to me, but they are dragging this out and I am scared and in pain. The other issue is I am so angry that now I have kidney damage and I don't know what the heck this means. It could have been caught sooner but there were unforuanate circumstances going on and now the damage is done. When I got the call I was in a state of shock and I don't even remember what was told to me. I do know that this holiday weekend is messing things up, again I am fearful that I will experience kidney failure and I feel as though I am walking on very thin ice due to both issues, the other problems are my marriage. I know my husband loves me, but we have both been through way too much in regards to my health, my grandson's health and my daughter who is 23 and will not take care of the fact that she has cancer cells and no insurance and we have begged her to go to no avail, if she were 10 I would have some control but she thinks that if she ignores it...it will go away and she is very stubborn, so everything is not black and white, I have no answers to my problems and I am trying to stay positive but I keep getting the crap beat out of me and I don't know what to do anymore...

  • Jenny, I can relate!! Mentalpause can really rob you of a few things besides hormones and can make you nuts for awhile. I too have been mourning the face and body that I hated in my 20's.

    Laurie- you are in my prayers and I hope that you can find some ray of hope this week. Maybe we should start a silver foxes thread for us gorgeous and wise ladies over 50 for support?
  • Thank you so much, you did help. I know he loves me, he loses his temper over little things and I know it's from the stress, everyday more bills come and every time I go to the doctor or have any lab work done they find something else wrong. In addition to this we have been trough some very difficult times with our little grandson and our youngest daughter who is 23. She graduated in the top 5% of her class. She is beautiful, talented, and had everything going for her and she was saving herself for marriage and she was in a relationship with a boy for 3 years and finally gave in and now has a std and has cancerous cells. He cheated on her and it changed her in so many ways, she isn't the same anymore and she battled health problems her entire life and this really did a number on her, she graduated but doesn't have a job, she has no insurance, because she isn't on our plan anymore and she won't go back to the doctor to take care of the problem, so this is just another added stress in our lives along with all my health issues that keep getting worse. I feel as though someone put a spell on my family and it won't go away.

    I do appreciate what you wrote and that you took the time to care. I really am trying to beat this depression.

    I haven't seen a specialist yet, but the holiday weekend messed me up so hopefully Monday or Tuesday I can figure out what the heck I am going to do.

    Thank you,
  • I did go through some depression about my age, but now I just want my sanity and health. Our culture is so unfair to women, men can age gracefully but we are pretty much useless after a certain age. Actually I don't think I look THAT bad, but my body is giving up on me and this is what is hurting me the most.

    Thanks for your prayers and if you start the thread, I will participate!

  • Thank you sweet pebbles. I appreciate your kind words and support. I am so angry about this celebrex situation. It is the last thing I needed right now. I know you have been through so much and sometimes it's hard to reach out to someone else hurting so I really do appreciate all your kind words and all the others. I still feel pretty beaten but I'll tell you one thing, I feel as though I have my own army fighting with me and that helps a great deal!!!!

    Thank you,

  • Thank you!!! We have been through so much together. We were babies when we married. I had an abusive step father and he married me to get me out of my home, so it tells you he is a good man, we have went through, being dirt poor, serious health problems, almost losing our daughter, and one of our grandsons, him losing his job because of cuts in the company...the list goes on, yet we are still together. I do see him losing his temper more and I know he is very tired of all my health problems and seeing our poor little grandson go through so much and he isn't even one yet, plus our daughter, so it is a miracle that our marriage has lasted this long. I think we deserve some peace of mind for all that we have endured, I pray it comes soon!!!

    Thank you dear,

  • What can I say???


    Thank you,

  • Thank you so much. I deleted it. I almost deleted this one. I just felt an overwhelming sadness and had nowhere to turn. I still feel sad, but not nearly as lonely as before.

    Thank you so much my friend,

  • I will start. If that is your pic, you are rite you are gorgeous!!
  • Thank you very much!! I know he does, we are both very stressed and depresed and angry. I really have tried this positive thinking thing, but honently it hasn't worked for me. I'll keep trying though.. I have considered an antidepresant...Lord knows I need one, he probably does too.

    Thank you!!
  • awww Thank you so much. That made me feel better. Yes it is I. That was taken on Valentine's day of this year. My husband knew that my pain and back issues were taking a toll on me and that our oldest dog who is 17 would be leaving us soon. (he is still around) He got me my Sadie and I am holding her. She is now 6 months and ornery as ever, but I love her and she does help. I have 4 dogs but the other 3 are getting old and we knew we would start losing them soon so we decided to get her before that happened to ease the pain, but the other 3 decided they aren't leaving. As a matter of fact, we do need to put the 17 year old to sleep, he is in pretty bad shape and we just can't do it. Anyways thank you very much for the compliment!!! :)

  • hey Mama! just checking in,still on my prayer list so no worry there!
    I am sorry to hear about your daughter,its a shame a scoundrel would do that to a person,she may be punishing herself for giving in? i hope not,but tell her keep the chin up! if anything she is much like you,and the world needs more of caring people!
    Now..speaking of caring,you do you know, and sadly, it is also a weak point with you,i say this because most people who have generous hearts often give all they have..inside and out,ya need to keep a little of th love for you self to keep on giving,its not selfish,it just means you will benifit many more people in the long run.

    We love you here,your husband and family love you there,take some time, step back,and take a deep breath,your body has some wonderful healing abilitys if you give it a chance to relax a second,
    you love hard and deep,its a wonderful and endearing trait,turn some of that energy to healing!Youre going to get through this and be in fighting trim in no time!

    love to you and your family!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Thank you so very much!!! I actually am feeling a little better today. I know I am walking a thin line with my health matters but I am a tough person and I have beat a lot in my life. I will beat this too!! Especially because of people like you and all the other friends on here. I swear this is truly the best place. I've said it before and I'll say it again.. you all are fantastic and we all suffer on this site and maybe it has given us all bigger and more loving hearts because I have really felt loved and cared for and I am so grateful to you and everyone else!! I honestly feel blessed and Thursday and part of Friday I felt like the entire world was falling down on me. I now feel like I can... and will beat this thing!!!

    Thank you Ranchhand!!! You really are one of the kindest men I have ever seen and I am so sorry for all your pain because you do not deserve one bit of it!!!

  • Laurie,
    I have been following your posts for the past few days, but didn't have it in me to respond as I was having an awful time. ( i posted aout my recovery...and it ended up more about depression so its in the surgery site).

    Anyway, I just wanted to check in and see if you were feeling any better. I know that there are days we can handle just about anything and then WHAM something hits us from behind and it can seem devestating. Its kinda funny, it could be the same sh*t that happens every day, just one day it seems much worse.

    Your husband sounds like an great, spportive man. I've heard of so many failed amrriages because of our "issues", thank god you have someone who does their best to understand. Your relationship must be built on a strong foundation.

    That's is one of the best things about being a part of this commmunity...it gives us an opportunity to vent on others who understand and not constantly burden those we love.

    Take care and keep you chin up!!!!
  • Laurie~
    I read your post and the responses to it and I am so sad for you, but so impressed with the people that are reaching out to you! I'm so sorry that you are having the problems with your kids and grandkids. It seems to me that your family is very fortunate to have you in their lives. I wish that they could see that and give you a bit of a break. Family problems or health issues are tough to deal with when you only have one or the other to deal with, but together, they SUCK! One or the other at a time please. On one hand I would like to try to encourage you with your husband because I feel like our husbands have a lot to deal with watching us in so much pain and not being able to do something to fix it. That's what men are brought up being molded in to, the strong one, the one who should be able to fix things, make everything better. It must be so frustrating for them and possibly make them feel like they are failures because they can't fix the problems. It's hard to look at their side though when we are hurting or depressed or feeling so hopeless. Maybe counseling would be helpful. Sadly, my husband refuses to do the counseling thing, but I get on here and read some of the posts to him about what others are going through, hoping that maybe he'll see that I'm not just being a wuss or a nut job and that what I go through, others go through too. My own special (secret) counseling session for him! Sneaky right!

    Concerning your test results and your kidneys- I know that you have probably already conjured up the worst case scenarios in your mind of what could happen or what you figure HAS happened, but wait until you find out more information before making yourself crazy about it. Going through what you already have been going through proves that you are a strong woman and whatever comes of this new problem you CAN attack it head on. It may not feel like it right this second, but you CAN!

    Take care of yourself and please let us know what else you find out about your kidneys. Keep your chin up! You're in my thoughts and prayers. God bless!
  • Hello Laurie,

    I just read this thread and I wanted to chime in and say that i am praying for you.

    It sounds like soooo much for all of your family. I know sometimes it seems never-ending to me. In the past 4 or so years it just seems as though life has been throwing me a lot of curve balls and I am unabel to dodge them. It starts to pile and pile and pile up!

    Like some of the others here have already said I too feel that counseling will help both you and your hubby.
    What a huge weight you are both carrying on your shoulders with eveything that is going on. A weight that neither of you really have control over other that in the way you handle and deal with the information.

    It must be awful for your hubby to watch you struggling with your health on top of all the other things going on in your family. I am sure he is full of his own fears and insecurities and unknowns. And the same for you! You must be feeling so much fear and insecurity with all the health issues of your own, your daughter and grandbaby! On top of that watching your hubby and knowing he is stuggling too.

    I really feel that going to some type of therapy you all may learn some other ways of dealing with everything that is going on! Despite that your feeling down and not feeling like you know what to do...you and your family must be some stong people! This is a lot for all to endure.

    I am like Pebbles who posted earlier. I am single at 38 yrs old, almost 39. I have never been married and have no children. I had a hysterectomy and now can not have any children of my own. Since the beginging of 2004 I have been through so many things that sometimes I feel as though I do not have it in me anymore to continue. Sometimes I just want to lay down go to sleep and wake up with some sence of direction and stability. The days of going to work and preparing for retirement have been put on the back burner and trying to start a new relationship at this time of my life is out of the question. I just do not have the energy to do it.

    There are two things that are constant in my life. 1.) God and 2.) change.
    This is my personal belief and I am in no way trying to push my beliefs or coping mechanisms on you. Just sharing what works for me.
    I know deep down in the pit of my being that I am OK despite all the fears and unknowns. I forget this sometimes and I will go through periods where I forget that God is here. God has seen me through all the hard times of my life and some occasions where by all rights I should have died. I seek out God on a daily basis just to try and keep myself spiritually fit with some sence of sanity. I am really good and getting in my own way and trying to direct everything. That is Gods job. Yes I have to take action and do footwork, but he is the director. All I have control over is my attitude and how I handle the cards that are dealt to me in this life. I stuggle here somtimes.
    The other thing is change....things are always going to be changing. Change never stops. I try to remember that things "just are". I struggle with too.

    I am rambling now, so I will stop.
    You must be an amazing woman to have gone through all these things and still go through these things! You have some kind of courage!!
    I have a prayer list that many many people are on. I will now add you to this list because I truly believe in the power of prayer.
    Just a suggestion. Wat if you and your hubby, if possible, went to dinner together and tried to not discuss any of the health problems or any of the other things. Just a night out for the two of you to enjoy eachothers company. Go see a funny movie! Laugh together!

    Anyhow. All my best to you and your family.
  • When it rains it pours. I think a lot of us know that feeling. They also say God never gives you more than you can handle and you are like ok enough please, cannot take anymore.
    Just getting it out is a great first step. Marriage and chronic pain are hard. Your family like so many have been down a tough road. Maybe you and your husband could walk in the evening down the road you are on,to just be on that road. Stress and uncertainty I can relate to, but the stress is so not good for me.I don't think it is good for anyone. You mentioned how are you going to play your cards, once you regroup and process some of this I hope you find that you have a couple of aces up your sleeve. Also out of bad situation there can be some good. I always pray for the srenght and grace to go through whatever it is, like I am suppose too, not a crazy woman full of fear.
    Take care of yourself and your husband and family and dogs and try and breath. I also know for myself I waited to long to be put on antidepressants and also to sit down and write my post or grabbed a close friend to dumb on. SO be kind, and go, but go slow.
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