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truly living in hell.

living.in.hell.lliving.in.hell. Posts: 4
edited 12/30/2015 - 10:20 PM in Chronic Pain
Hello all, I'm very new to this. I'm 29 years old, and I suffer from spinal fractures at l4 and l5, as well as several herniated disks and 2 lumps in my neck that have yet to checked. I am on Subutex for pain, as I grew up my entire life watching my father addicted to medications( due to spinal surgery, ironic isn't it), and i never wanted to followed his steps. Before my accident, I got off of pain pills using subutex (which is just as bad if not worse due to the long half life of this terrible medication, and the fact it doesn't help my pain at all for more than 2 hours) and now after my accident, I'm stuck in constant excruciating pain and cannot take pain meds because of the subutex, and cannot stop taking the subutex because of the withdrawal, and intensified pain associated with it. The subutex doctor wont help me get off the medicine, and my general doctor says "your subutex Dr has to take you off of it" Every day the pain gets worse, and so does my anxiety, depression and anger. I take everything out on my loved ones and I honestly don't mean to. I feel so horrible for this every day.I have snapped emotionally so many times because I can't handle the pain anymore. I can't function properly,i used to be in decent shape, a boxer, fighting and mixed martial arts has always been a passion of mine, and now I can't walk 30 feet without my back feeling as if it's going to snap in half. I'm constantly nauseated and shaky, my body feels as if it's shutting down. My brain keep ms telling me there's soemthing seriously wrong here. Last night out of nowhere I had such severe neck pain I started gagging, getting so nauseous and almost vomitting, and after about 20 minutes of that I decided to go to the E.R. I waited crying, almost hyperventilating and feeling as if I was going to die, for what felt like days. The nurse took my vitals and then told me they didn't want to bring me back because there were "sick people" who have been waiting longer than me. this really upset me "what if i had a brain aneurysm and was literally dying " i thought. The light pierced my brain, everything was foggy and blurry. The pain was so bad I couldn't hold my head up. I begged for somewhere to lay down, the pain so intense I couldn't see straight. They put me in an extra room and said "you can lay down here until we call you but the doctor will not see you in here" after about an hour, I started getting very upset because of the pain, and couldn't handle waiting any longer in this hot hospital with [EDIT] who think I'm just a drug seeker. (other times I had to go there every time I had severe pain before my spinal fractures had been diagnosed, the doctor would tell me "there's absolutely nothing in your spine that could be causing this amount of pain" and I was pegged as a drug seeker. And while this didn't happen this time, they took so long to see me, I felt so angry because I'm screaming "there's something wrong, seriously babe this isn't right, I feel like I'm dying" and I wasn't even checked on after they put me in that room. I got up, ripped my wrist band off and told my fiance that's it, I'm leaving. It's these types of mistakes, and rash decisions I'm constantly making due to this pain. It gets so intense, and I can't remember 1 minute of time since my accident that I was out of pain. It's constant, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it effects me mentally so badly. She asked me to calm down several times, I told her let's just leave, I'm [EDIT] miserable is all I could think. When we got home there was no parking, which meant we had to park down the street a ways, and all I could think was " I'm so [EDIT] stupid. At 12 midnight I'm in so much pain I'm throwing up begging god to make it stop, and have my fiance take me to the hospital. We lose our parking spot and I throw a fit in the hospital before even being seen" we got so close to parking, and walking home when something in me just snapped. I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to just jump out of the car in the middle of the intersection and be hit by a [EDIT] mac truck. So I get out of the car right there in the middle of the intersection like an idiot, and walk away from my fiance. After an argument she parks, and I get the car keys from her and go back to the car. I lay there looking through our sun roof at the stars, it's 2 a.m, and I'm dying inside. I feel so horrible for the way I acted towards the woman I love, just trying to help me, she helps me so much, she does everything for me. I feel like she [EDIT] deserves so much better than this [EDIT] way of life . Then I started thinking {, if there truly is something seriously wrong with my neck. I could've found out tonight, but the anger, and frustration and pain caused me to just flip a switch. And now I'm still in pain, and have no answers. This lead me here. I don't know what to do anymore. Doctors say speak to a counselor and I feel uncomfortable doing that, always have. Never been a social person, as I have anxiety. This pain is ruining my life, my fiance life, my relationship and everything in between. I smoke cannabis and it helps with the muscle aches, spasms and me being shaky, but nothing helps the pain. Nothing.


  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832
    edited 12/30/2015 - 10:20 PM
    Please take the time to read this post and refer to it when you have questions

    I am sure that you will find your time on Spine-Health very rewarding. This site is a powerful and integrated system that is dynamic and growing.
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    Liz -Spine-health Moderator

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • TreadmillTTreadmill Posts: 40
    edited 12/31/2015 - 2:53 AM
    Hi L.I.H. -

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are going thru this so young. Has your doctor referred you to a pain dr to try some of the more conservative treatments like injections? Have you seen a surgeon to see if you can even be helped with surgery? If you are only seeing your primary care doctor and the subutex dr, then you are very limited as to the alternative treatments available.

    Most surgeons like to see that you have tried conservative treatments. Unless they feel that surgery is an emergency, then they will not help you until you have gone the other route.

    This is a long, long, long process. Waiting months for appts and trying the available methods used by pain doctors and then surgeons. There is no quick fix.

    You have got to get your anger under control, especially when you are in a medical establishment. I know you know that but you really hurt your case every time you lose it. It is hard to do but you have to understand that with computers and medical networks these days, every time you irritate the medical professionals they will log that on your chart and that is a permanent record. Those types of comments will just make you look irrational.

    If your doctors are not helping you, then you need to find new doctors. And you must resolve yourself to the fact that this is going to be a long road with no easy answers.

    My advice is to stay calm, even if everything inside you is raging, and set up a plan of action with a good doctor. That might mean finding a new health care team.

    Let us know how things go. I wish you the very best.

    Scoliosis and other problems at every level.

    2013: C-5 to C-6 ADR
    2014: C-5 to C-6 fusion/revision of failed ADR
    2014: Total hip replacement, right

    Cancelled multi-level fusion - fear being more crippled and in more pain.
  • sandi123ssandi123 Posts: 456
    edited 12/31/2015 - 3:54 AM
    To go for treatment of ongoing pain and even when we do go to the ER, they are going to deal with life threatening medical issues first, which is what the triage nurse does, evaluate the potential life threatening status of you and your condition upon arrival.
    If you believe you have fractures, then you must have an MRI and /or Xrays showing that. Who is treating you for those and how old are they?
    You might want to make an appt. with a board certified spine surgeon to see what's really going on and what can and should be done regarding your spine.
    Loosing your temper and storming out of the ER only makes you look bad, and paints a picture you may be drug seeking, when you are complaining of such severe pain, but getting angry and storming out when you aren't being seen in a quick manner.
    You really need to work on getting your temper under control, no matter how much pain you may be in, treating medical professionals and people who are trying to help you that way is going to work against you.

  • living.in.hell.lliving.in.hell. Posts: 4
    edited 12/31/2015 - 10:06 AM
    Hey all, and thanks for the swift responses. I have had my spinal fractures diagnosed by an orthopedic surgeon, as well as the 3 herniated disks, degenerative disk disease, and many other issues with my back including spondylitis. I absolutely have tried other methods. I have tried injections etc several times with no relief, went to a pain management doctor and all they wanted to do was put me on methadone, and I refused. I do know that I need to calm down, but it's like I can't control it. The pain is so intense sometimes that I black out, I throw up and it's jsut horrible. I know I need help with the anger, but I'm not a pill addict and I'm so tired of being treated like 1 because of my age. I had my fractures diagnosed about 14 months ago, and dealing with state insurance and doctors has been tough due to the wait that is involved. I have been refered for surgery, and see my new surgeon who will be doing my spinal fusions (I need 2 fusions) and my appt is on the 6th of January. I also have 2 lumps that are protruding out of my neck. When I first had my accident I had no insurance and the doctor at the E.R asked what was bothering me the most, and my back was, so they never checked my neck , only my back. They knew immediately that I would need spinal surgery or long term care, and I was literally given state insurance that night. neck issues have just recently started ( stiff neck, tense and pain is excruciating at times. It constantly shoots pain into my head and shoulders) my arms shake constantly, like I have Parkinsons but all my blood work has came back fine, other than low testosterone and high tryglicerides)
  • I really need help with my anger, I dint want to ruin my chances of surgery, and be pegged as a drug seeker for my entire life. I don't even want the pain meds. I tell them every time I go to the E.R that I'm on Subutex and I cannot recieve any narcotic pain meds. I even bring my medicine with me to show them I haven't ran out. I guess my best bet is to actually talk to a psychological counselor. I just feel like my whole life is gone, I can't do anything anymore and can barely walk. I bought a beautiful car amd I can't even drive it because my legs are constantly having spasms and my arms twitching uncontrollably, my oain is literally constant, it never stops. I only sleep because my pain gets so bad my body shuts down. My sleep schedule is so messed up, and i think the mixture of messed up slwwpong patterns and constant pain arr causing my mental dtatus to deteriorate. I am Vice president of my company and work mainly from home since my accident. I take a lot of pride in what I do, we help treat children with cancer and epilepsy for free using cbd and cannabis oils. I feel like the pain causing me to make mistakes I wouldn't normally make, including losing my temper.
  • So I would guess the fractures would have healed by now. My mother in law had two fractures in her thoracic spine, and other than bracing, there was little else they could do.
    Spondylitis is usually referred to as arthritis (inflammation). As you have probably read, DDD is a naturally occurring part of the aging of our spines, and almost everyone if they were imaged overy the age of 18 or so, will have some signs of it in their spines.
    The thing to keep in mind is that not everything you see on am imaging report means big problems or that something is majorly wrong with your spine.
    It sounds like your neck is the biggest area causing you issues now, so hopefully, when you see the surgeon, he can get some updated imaging and get you on the road to feeling better.
    As far as dealing with anger, we all reach a point where we have to come to terms with where we are, and perhaps, it might be worthwhile to start pacing your activity levels and making some lifestyle adjustments to see if that helps with easing some of the pain levels, as well as discussing treatments options with the surgeon once you know your updated condition and what needs to be done.
    If you are working from home and spending time on a computer or looking down, it would be wise to try to arrange your desktop/computer to a different height so that you aren't looking down for extended time frames.

  • Hello Sandi and thank you for your reply, unfortunately my fractures will never heal according to my surgeon, my only option IS spinal fusions to fix the problem in my lower back. The main issue with fractures is they typically do NOT heal, and require surgeries (according to my surgeons ) . My neck is my main issue of pain, but has only been a short amount of time that it has started. My back is always accompanied by severe pain and weakness, and I can barely walk because of the lower back fractures. Hopefully this week my scans will show what's wrong with my neck, and we can get it fixed.
  • sandi123ssandi123 Posts: 456
    edited 01/01/2016 - 5:39 PM
    Your lower spine was imaged? Xrays, MRI, CT , or bone scans?
    Before you agree to any surgery, do yourself a favor and consult with at least two other surgeons from the nearest big hospitals in your area.
    Spine surgery isn't a guarantee that it will fix pain,in fact,many of us wind up in worse shape later after the surgery .
    Have you asked or discussed cementing the vertebra assuming the fractures are unstable? It seems very strange that they would let the fractures be unstable for this length of time without surgery or some evidence of healing.

  • chop my leg offcchop my leg off British ColumbiaPosts: 56
    I hear ya. I almost took my own life. Pain so intense I didn't want to live. My surgeon did another mri and I was immediately booked for surgery. The leg pain has diminished. Now to deal with the almost chop my foot off pain. One day at a time bud. They will figure it out. 15 days now since last surgery and I'm driving g my own truck again. My foot hates the Canadian cold so I'm not out much and walking makes it worse so I lay...ALOT. but one day at a time. Get new MRI and go from there . Good luck tramadol was the only thing that worked for me for nerve pain.

    ( 4 bulged discs 2 surgeries l-4-l5 s1. )
    L5S1..2 microdisectomies in 30 days maybe one more on the agenda. 4 bulged discs and one of them loves my spinal canal X2 :/ and a compression fracture . And now scar tissue wrapped around the nerve causing horrible neuropathy all over again.   VICIOUS CIRCLE :(
  • living.in.hell. said:
    I really need help with my anger, I dint want to ruin my chances of surgery, and be pegged as a drug seeker for my entire life. I don't even want the pain meds. I tell them every time I go to the E.R that I'm on Subutex and I cannot recieve any narcotic pain meds. I even bring my medicine with me to show them I haven't ran out. I guess my best bet is to actually talk to a psychological counselor. I just feel like my whole life is gone, I can't do anything anymore and can barely walk. I bought a beautiful car amd I can't even drive it because my legs are constantly having spasms and my arms twitching uncontrollably, my oain is literally constant, it never stops. I only sleep because my pain gets so bad my body shuts down. My sleep schedule is so messed up, and i think the mixture of messed up slwwpong patterns and constant pain arr causing my mental dtatus to deteriorate. I am Vice president of my company and work mainly from home since my accident. I take a lot of pride in what I do, we help treat children with cancer and epilepsy for free using cbd and cannabis oils. I feel like the pain causing me to make mistakes I wouldn't normally make, including losing my temper.
    You mentioned lack of sleep for a while,and of circadian rhythms being all over the board.
    That will cause frustration and anger.
    Its a vicious cycle

    Your anger can be a culmination if weeks and months of not sleeping well enough..a mind that never shuts down enough to relax and the pain stress.
    Sleep isnt always an answer though
    You've got your life
    Your frustration at not doing your job at 100 percent is getting to you..and it gets worse the harder you push no?

    If you could focus on one part of the issues..
    Which part would that be?
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Hi
    I am too in great pain and have been for years now. I have spinal cord damage at c5-6 and two fusions st this level. I began having lumbar issues and have bulging discs at l45/5s/1 which encroaches on the thecal sac and annular tear that impingiment of the nerve root.
    I wish I could get surgery but the have not offered me it and I have had injections already. 8 weeks ago I felt a pop and since then my muscles are in spasm and I cannot bend. Wish I could get my life back.
  • sounds like you have many issues but I would agree seeing a PM dr that works with a surgeon so they can monitor your pain and get you fixed up. ER is a waste of time and money unless life threatening. It seems from what I get from your posts you have issues in your neck with bulging disks, lumbar fractures, bulging disks there? Did I also read parkinsons? that alone is a disease of the nervous system, its in my family history. I would get with a rheumatologist and get that under control. Make a check list and deal with one issue at a time taking on all of them at once can cause even more anxiety...your posting cannabis so you live somewhere that its legal....it must help with relaxation, anxiety, nausea,tremors??? Parkinsons can be more of your pain then you realize. Swallowing problems, sleeping issues anxiety, depression....all from seeing this personally I am not a dr diagnosing you just helping I hope.....
    This can't be happening
  • We have a lot in common. I have been absent from this site for quite some time as my situation deteriorated very rapidly in every sense of the word. My life came crashing down and now I am rebuilding it. I felt just as you did and am now coping a hell of a lot better. Send me a PM if you would like to talk more. I am no Counsellor, but I have been down this road before and continue to absolutely go through what you are going through my Friend, so contact me as a friend and lets see if I can better assist you through your time of need.... Feel free to check my previous messages and such as I have contributed a whole bunch here in my days as a Moderator here on Spine-Health.

    Doug Hell
    Realize that FEAR is our worst enemy. Get up & get out in that stormy weather of the real world & kick fear in the teeth. Stare at it dead in the eyes & walk right through it into the storm; because once you're wet, you won’t fear the rain anymore
  • TreadmillTTreadmill Posts: 40
    edited 01/03/2016 - 4:24 AM
    I am glad to hear that you are seeing a surgeon who sounds like he is going to help you. In my opinion the neck pain is worse than the back pain because of the headaches, vomiting, and inability to get comfortable.

    Maybe I missed it, but were you in a motor vehicle accident? When I started seeking help for my pain I was 45 and the drs thought I was too young, so I can understand the place you are in.

    I hope you keep us updated on the visit with your surgeon.

    Wishing you the best.
    Scoliosis and other problems at every level.

    2013: C-5 to C-6 ADR
    2014: C-5 to C-6 fusion/revision of failed ADR
    2014: Total hip replacement, right

    Cancelled multi-level fusion - fear being more crippled and in more pain.
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,805
    edited 01/03/2016 - 5:53 AM
    Anger is something that can be a gift and a curse, if you can channel it into getting better it may very well be a huge asset , but it can also turn on you in a second and cause you to do things outside who you are. you seems to have a tough case that the pain is obviously not controlled and maybe surgury will help that , but how do they plan to help your pain after surgury while you are healing ? Seeing a physiologist may be the right step in controlling the anger and dealing with some of the anxiety , but uncontrolled pain will break a person down, dehumanize them, cause them to become another person at time then face the guilt after, it can be a terrible cycle that may only end with your pain under control. I believe with all my heart uncontrolled chronic , terrible pain is much worse mentally, physically and all around than the risks involved from it being properly managed, but again you have a tough case with the cureent situation.
    Also did any dr speak about getting your testosterone under control? If you are very low it can lead to anxiety, more severe pain, panic attacks, depression , mood swings and a host of other pretty bad things. I would think it's essential to help after surgury to have a properly functioning hormone system.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • Have you researched anger as a side effect of the medication you are taking daily?
    After reading your post, I remembered a woman who posted about the side effects she was having and anger was high on the list. It might not be a bad idea to check out Subutex and anger side effects. Best of luck to you and your fiance!
  • tinkz44ttinkz44 Posts: 83
    edited 01/21/2016 - 12:38 AM
    Hi Living In Hell & anyone else that wants my 2cents

    In 2010 I had a C5/6/7 caged fusion.

    Jan 2012 I had a messed up ACL reconstruction from an [EDIT] Dr who after I complained several times kept saying, 'no you're fine & im wonderful!' Ok an exaggerated version but he left me with painful nerve pain Knee down & into my toe beside the baby one.
    I had to go get my own tests to prove him wrong then when I advised him of the results he say, 'well those things happen!' And walks out of the room I'm in to head to the next patient. {EDIT] Thanks buddy!
    I live in Canada & there is no sueing dr's here

    March 2013 I have a discecomy in the L3/4 area & within 3 weeks I mess it up by bending down & trying to close a bottom drawer in the kitchen with casserole dishes in it. My heaviest kitchen drawer!!!

    Jan 20th, 2014 I have a fusion of the L3/4 area still painful nerve down leg better tho.

    Sorry I just need to give you my scenario before I give you an option for pain relief.

    Ok now i'll get to my 2cents......

    I've tried lots of different therapy & yes cognitive therapy as well. I liked & didn't like the group therapies or the one to one.... I've had radio frequency that helped for a bit but I feel the tingles as I type. They're returning & I knew they would but not this quickly. (3mths) I tried IMS.... Massage, Physio, PRP & a host of others.
    I've tried yoga, that helps sometimes but not the 'twister' yoga where you're in all sorts of complicated positions. I do restorative or stretching yoga.

    I also have recently started pool jogging. I was an athlete & miss my running days. So I strap on a floatation belt & jog upright in the water. I'm now up to 45 mins. After I do some arms with the pools styrofoam weights again in the water. Submerged. Head up! Lol

    I am only suggesting this becuz I'll be able to get stronger with the rest of my body & I'm hoping i'll be able to get relief by being stronger to carry my pain better...... BUT WHEN I'M IN THE WATER I FEEL CLOSE TO NO PAIN. the minute I get out the pain is there again. But I now get excited to ho to the pool.
    Before that you'd NEVER find me in a public pool. But to get the relief from my body being under water it's like ....... Aaaawwwww!

    I also do medical marijuana (all legit have license with gov). I make my own cookies.
    I had a grower (all legit) that grew a strain with more CBD than THC..... That's the kind of MJ that numbs the body more than a head stone.
    You mentioned the pot isn't helping you. So maybe try eatibles with more CDB than the THC....

    All that for 2cents....
    Hope this has helped. But I do urge you to try the water. Even try the bathtub first. ?? See if you feel less pain??

    Best of luck to you.


    Before you try any supplement, herb, over the counter item, exercise program, mechanical aid, brace, etc always consult with your doctor to make sure you get their approval.
    Some of these products may be very effective, but no two individuals or medical conditions are alike. What works for one, may cause trouble for another..

    For helpful information please click on link
    Welcome to Spine-Health
    Liz -Spine-health Moderator
  • I hope I didn't offend anyone with the word before 'doctor'
    I really didn't think there was anything wrong or negative about that word.
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