It's been a mess because I had thought I could avoid more surgery with good pain management. This has been wonderful but being out of pain does not mean that I can do all those things I need to do. I have issues with my neck and with my lumber spine. The whole Illio-sacral area is inoperable due to severe arthritis, joints fusing that shouldn't be, and, of course, I was born with a congenital issues with my hips and pelvis. (Sorry, I have all the words but once my pain meds kick in I feel more comfortable asking for support but I make less sense!)
I mostly experienced positives with my lumbar surgeries. No one told me I'd lose feeling in my toes- that's okay but I would have liked to have known. I've also had three knee surgeries. I was left with a bunch of weird issues there. I have lymphedema. My left leg always looks 2 sizes larger than my right leg. I knew there would be a bad scar but I didn't know a nerve would be severed and the pain that is from that- 12 years later! I can no longer kneel- when I think about putting my knee to the floor I pass out. Don't know if it hurts or not- I have never gotten that far!
So with my neck. The severe stenosis is c6-7 but also with several of the thoracic disks just below that. Those who have had fusions, have you been able to turn your neck? I cannot now- people yell at me for being rude but it's painful to keep looking back, turning my head to try to remain engaged in conversations. Can you drive? Back, 10 years ago when this started I remember it getting more and more difficult to look behind my car. Do you have a scar in front of your neck or in back- or both?
For me, the scariest thing is going this alone. I know many of you would offer to help out but I'm one of those people who doesn't accept help easily. I've been on disability for almost half my life so I cannot afford to pay people. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I get afraid someone will say I cannot take care of my dog and cats. I would prefer to run to the woods and live with those guys- the heck with humans! I also have Celiac Disease which makes it almost impossible for people to shop for me, cook for me........ they definitely mean well but I cannot have any mistakes there!
I feel the depression sneaking in. I want to be left alone but I need others to help. I have zero family but lots of friends. Problem is, I have busy friends- people with new babies, people who are doctors and travel a lot. People who I don't want to bother.....
How do I get through this? (I'm on medicare but trust me, the co-pays and deductibles are going to bury me!)
Thanks- even just writing this helps
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by...... (Robert Frost)
I still don't know if I should have taken the one that said, "Caution! Dead End" (Me)