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Pity Party

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,623
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:20 AM in Depression and Coping
I've had a several surgeries (not all listed) including Spinal Fusion in an emergent situation. In my case my pain levels stayed at a 10 or above for 4 months after. My pain levels started to lower (a little bit) when I was able to go for PT, walks and very light exercises. What I received from getting the Spinal Fusion done? Well, I can walk again, previously totally bedridden.

My insurance company stated I can now preform my original job duties so they gave me my job back. My supervisor is still giving me a hard time even though I'm on light duty per doctor's orders. I just was never ready to go back to work. My job as a Laboratory Specimen Technician is very physical, a lot of bending, twisting, reaching and heavy lifting. I can go from a sitting position (I can't sit for more than 20 min without going into spasm) to a standing position during my shift and at least it's not a desk job. I know I do more than my share of responsibilities at work, above and beyond quota for specimens processed. Since I can't preform machine maintenance (dumping 5 gal drums of chemicals) and other duties I'm constantly being ridiculed for not preforming my job by other co-workers.

OK, so now I'm still mostly at pain levels between 8 and 10>, in tears daily. I am now back on FMLA but am afraid to call in sick or use any time. I just had the SCS trial. Yes it worked! I got my pain levels down to be uncomfortable but manageable (still took heavy meds) So now I'm waiting for implant and trying to save FMLA and sick time for healing up after implant is done.

Oh one more thing, my PM sent me for a Thoracic MRI and now I have a suspicious spot not identified yet. When I was getting MRI without contrast, the radiologist came in and asked me to sign for contrast so she could get better picture. I will not get results until I see my NS late Monday afternoon.

I just want the SCS implant, no more delays. Was this another TEASE. Finally got some pain relief and a little bit of sleep and now I'm back where I started. I don't see the light tonight and having a pity party. Too much time alone. I'm only 46, feeling desperate, dateless, tired, lonely and just want things to stop happening. Where's my cabin in the woods, gotta get out of this city!
Sorry- just ranting because I can't scream.

Wishing everybody to get pain free and a little bit of sleep.


  • I can imagine why you're feeling so low. Pain sucks. I can't imagine having to work at this point and there is no way on earth that I can ever do any of the jobs that I used to do.

    Hold your head up high and don't let the ridicule of others get to you. They have no idea what you're going through and they react this way because they're afraid that one day it may be them. perhaps they figure if they're cruel enough then this chronic pain may not touch their lives. You have to answer only to yourself and you know better then to try to "prove" anything just to shut them up.

    Go and do something nice for yourself. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit, get a massage, have lunch with a girlfriend, whatever makes you feel really good. We forget about these things when we're in pain and they're still important. A new pair of shoes can be worth hours in a therapists office! (Men, you will NEVER understand this about us women LOL).

    Keep going, you'll get there. Let me know if there is anything I can do.


  • Thank you Griff for your encouragement. I know I should be thankful for the things I have going for me, stuff could and have been worse. I'll take your advise and find something to keep my mind occupied and make me feel better.

    Have a good weekend, I wish everybody was pain free.
  • can have a pity party any time you need to. That is just one of the reasons that this site is here. If there is anything at all that I can do to help you then please just me know. Please keep us posted and please remember to take care of you...that is the most important thing right now.....Miki
  • In the Cytology Prep department I work there are 7 employees. Two employees hired within the last 2 months. It's been so hard for me because they have this agenda for making my work life miserable. Every shift something is said or done to me to make me feel anxious or uptight.

    My supervisor continues to say that I am unapproachable. I told her I am the one that they come to when they have questions about how to process and take care of a patients test, machine maintenance or any other work related issues. I have been in this department for over 5 years, trained 5 of these employees and have always tried to encourage them in a positive way to do better when they have made a processing error or have wanted to learn something new. All other areas of my performance evaluations are "achieves" or "exceeds" expectations. I have always had a high work ethic, never late, willing to help others and believe in treating everybody with common respect.

    The problem is I don't socialize with them and talk about other employees behind their back. Several times I have told different individuals that I prefer not to be party to gossip, if someone is affecting the way they do their job or patient care it would be best to take it to our supervisor. I am a personal target for one of my co-workers who tries to get the others involved in gossip and pure mean spirited actions. A few examples of things being said about me to my co-workers and now to people in other departments:
    "She thinks she's the boss and knows it all"
    "She's getting preferential treatment because she's faking her pain"
    "Isn't she ugly and putting on an act"
    "Nobody wants her here"
    "She should go back on disability, we're better off without her"

    I have had derogatory e-mails sent to me, help wanted ads taped to my locker and employees from other departments go to my supervisor to say they are tired of hearing the negative talk about me. I use a grabber stick at work to reach some of the power buttons on the machines at floor level. Someone took it and put it in the toilet of our department bathroom. Another time it went missing for two days, it magically appeared behind one of our processing machines.

    When this was previously taken to HR with documentation, the HR rep and my supervisor got together and put me and this other employee on a probationary period in which me and this co-worker were supose to have weekly meetings to discuss issues. LOL - never happened. I made sure this did not go on my permanent record.

    We are short staffed by 3 employees that have quit and were never replaced. I use to work an average of 15 hours overtime a week and now I signed a contract for light duty and was told if I work any overtime I will be written up and it will be put on my permanent record. A write up would mean no opportunity to transfer to another position if one became available.

    I ask the higher power everyday to bless me with strength to get up and do it all over for another day. I just have to hold onto my medical insurance until I can get my pain under control. Maybe I will find a more suitable job, I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up and need to learn what my limitations and capabilities are now.

    Sorry I'm stilling ranting, crying and just plain miserable. It takes me all weekend to recuperate and I the only support I have is my father. I can't talk to him about everything because I don't want to stress him out and he's suppose be enjoying his retirement not running over to my place taking care of me. I haven't been able to make any friends since I moved here because I have been either working or sick.

    Okay, I need the heat pad, pain pills, more Kleenex and just someone to say they give a hoot. Sorry ... I'm making myself sick just thinking about it all! :sick: :(

  • know you must be doing something right....why else would they want to talk about you so? Just hold your head high because you know who you are on the inside. You don't deserve this at all but I can also understand needing to keep your insurance. However , if I were you , I would document all things that happen and save those e-mails....you never know if you may need that info later. Also , the whole thing about not socializing , well , my hubby always says leave work at work....never bring it home with you and never socialize with the people you work with because you never truly know what they may end up saying or doing about you. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you may do and the offer still stands , if I can help you at all then please just let me know.....Miki
  • Thanks Miki,

    I'm just having one of those days. Don't know what to do with myself. I'm not sure why I can't stop crying. I have had it worse than this, just feeling so BLECK and uncertain about everything. All this stuff is making my pain level stay up. I'm going to try to lay down for awhile, wish for sleep and try to get my head clear.
  • we all have days , weeks like this....and we are entitled to have them. Just as long as we don't stay in that bad place forever. We are all here for you dear , you won't go through this alone , I can promise you that. I hope that you are able to get some rest....take care , Miki
  • I agree with Miki. People talk because they want to be as smart as you are. It's envy, pure and simple, and the only way to combat that is to be kind to them. I know that sounds horrible but it's hard to be mean to someone to a person who smiles at you day after day. That doesn't mean I want you to kiss their butts, mind you, it's just a way to let it roll off your back from day to day.

    Document everything- I'd go so far as to take a camera and a hidden tape recorder with me to work. Fight those mean people and don't give up on being right. What they're doing is illegal and the fact that your supervisor is pushing you out is too. Sure, every company wants their employees to be at the highest production possible but sometimes life happens. In those cases we have laws in place to protect us from losing our jobs because we are sick or injured. Perhaps you need to point that out to them.

    We are here and we will be here for you. You don't have to go through this alone. Heck, I might even come over there and harass your co-workers right back for you. I do love a good fight ;)

  • Thank you Priestess and Griff!

    I have been documenting everything at work. I'm usually so good at letting things roll but I let myself get overloaded this week. It takes me the full weekend to get me back up to go and do it all again the following week.

    My NS appointment is tomorrow afternoon so maybe he can put my mind at ease about another suspicious spot and get my surgery date for SCS implant. The spot is probably nothing, I am prone to cysts. I just don't want any delays on getting the SCS implant. I know it's not a cure but it sure did help me get around better.

    I think I have my mind made up that if he can't do my surgery soon I will ask him to put me back on STD. After the tease of the trial my medications don't seem to be taking enough of the edge off. My PM just raised my meds again too. I've also never been able to lay down more than 2 hours at a time even with sleeping pills. When I had the trial SCS I was able to sleep 4-5 hours.

    Just have to shut my mind and tears down so I can rest. I think I can...I think I can... :)

    If either of you get to Las Vegas look me up I'd like to take you to coffee/lunch.

    Thank you for your kind words, it helps to get over the loneliness and not having anyone to talk too. I know both of you have definitely been through your trials as well.

  • it is good to see that you have a plan in motion....that is always the first step. You will get through this , I have no doubt and you will have all of us with you every step of the way....even if it can only be with support , prayers and well wishes....but those very things have gotten me through some really tough times in my life so I do speak from experience.... ;)

    A Vegas trip....hhhhmmmmm.....now that could be all kinds of fun... :)
  • And girls can be the worst. It still amazes me that grown people can behave like they did in grade school. I agree with Griff and Miki. It sounds like some pretty unhealthy competition going on at work that is creating a hostile work environment for you. I'm sure all the negative energy that you are surrounded by at work is effecting your health and mental state. Please come here for support when you need to and we will tell you that you are OK. There have been days that I have logged on here feeling lower then a snakes belly. A few hours in chat and I am literally LOL and feeling much better.

    I read a good book recently titled "I can't believe she did that." It's about female competition in the work place. I got alot out of it.

    I also love your avatar!!

    Hang in there and come hang out here when you can. There is power in numbers. Especially when intelligent women get together!!
  • I will look for that book, maybe it will give me some insight to why this nonsense is going on. Don't they know I'm a good person.

    My avatar reminds me of where I want to be. I'm a country girl stuck in Sin City of all places. LOL

    My mind is tired from thinking to much, I'm glad I posted, I do feel better even though I haven't slept yet.

    Thanks for replying and I wish you a pain free day.

  • You are doing all the right things and keep in mind you have to do what is best for you. My boss just doesn't want to let me off any hook. After my knee replacement last summer I ask for one of the aides to escort the "jailbirds" to lunch. He said NO so I did it. Kids were very understanding about one of them walking with me in case I stumbled. THEN he wanted to throw it back in my face at the end of year eval. I am not even going to ask for anything this year and make sure I smile at whatever he tells me to do. I am, however, going to ask my surgeon for a written list of what I should NOT be doing just to cover my butt. Some bosses can be pissy little boys.
  • Heck, I'll be there! I love to play poker and I don't know if you'd ever see me past that cup of coffee LOL! You, Miki and I could get into a LOT of trouble :jawdrop: I do miss the desert, though I don't know if Vegas qualifies anymore. If you need a little country air you're welcome to come on out and visit my little mini farm in Missouri. I'm surrounded by woods and it's beautiful, lush and green.

    Hey, if you WANT to work do what it takes to keep doing it. Don't let those female dogs in heat drive you out. If you really can't do it I totally understand. I don't sleep more than 2 hours at a time and I can't imagine going to work everyday- I have no idea how you manage.

    Hang in there gal :)


  • I have the beach.....sounds like we are pretty much set with some variety here.... ;)
  • Mean people suck...The joke is going to be on them because now my NS wants me off work for 3 months when he gives me my implant. He said because he knows I won't take it easy and just do my light duty, important to heal right. He must have felt sorry for me today, he even gave me a trigger without asking. I must really look like sh@tz.

    Okay, some-one's telling me I need a break!

    So how is everybody else? I read the boards a little bit and I saw "The letter to the Normals". I think I need more than a few copies of that one.

    "Spoons" was good too, but the type of people I'm around couldn't count and may start a rumor that I have Lupus among my many issues. LOL

    Well, I still haven't had any sleep and must try again. My eyes are hurting and swollen. I have to be to work at midnight and have a meeting with MGR in the morning.

    I hope everybody is pain free today. thanks for being there, its good to find new friends.

  • hey sounds like you work for the government with all the BS they are doing. why do i say that? because i also have chronic pain, leg neuropathy and a fusion from L3 to S1 and am getting greif. i am a disabled veteran and work at a VA hospital and am fighting the fight of my life to keep my job. i work in a boilerroom and have filed a EEO ( equal employment oppertunity ) requst with my department because i will fail my yearly physical at end of august. now they are trying to medically retire me, fill out a limited duty form, which i refused because i am disabled now no recovering from an injury. and yes co workers don't understand and no matter what you say or do they won't understand. just document evrything, keep a good file of everything they say or give you, and don't bite when they egg you on. i understand how alone you feel at work but remember you are not alone!!!!!
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