“...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel
Hello old friend, so you're back again!
I thought I'd lost you forever & never missed you for a moment. I hobbled from you into the light & found joy & resilience there. As acceptance banished you I wrote words of hope & strength for others. Growing to believe my words were my reality, my future, my new life.
I could feel your presence lurking but I locked the doors & closed the windows tight. I don't know how you got back in. You're toxic, festering in my dreams & my dashed hopes feed you. You've grown so strong now, my pain blinds me to the joy in life. The veil of pain shows everything drab & worthless.
My only faith is pain. It never deserts me like the fair weather friends who's company I long for so desperately. Did you know my isolation? We're you drawn back by my loneliness? Like a hurt child I cried for my distant parents loving arms but you were the only one who answered. I'm trapped in your darkness again, no energy to fight both my pain & you.
I reach out to strangers on the computer to lighten my load. They know your choking presence well but I fear reminding them of your face & name. Please leave them alone. Torment me, torture me in your void, let them feel the sun on their faces for the rest of their days. I can tolerate your torments. You see, I know so well all you have to throw at me. We've danced these steps before. You'll grow tired & leave as you have before & I'll continue with my pain, my constant companion into a brighter dawn.
“I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant.
I feel so tired & so desperately alone... This is just my pity-party, sorry for the invite! Tomorrows another day. ;-)
Osteoarthritis & DDD.